I feel like it’s been awhile since we’ve talked, but I see all of you and your babies gone too soon.
Whether this is your first Bereaved Mother’s Day or fiftieth or somewhere in between, I want you to know that your child and the way you mother them is not unseen. I know some days are harder than others and maybe you’re in a long line of hard ones, but you are doing the best you can do. Please reach out on this day or any of the difficult ones you have. There are so many of us here to remember our babies with and to lift each other up when we need it most. And if you’re having a good, gentle day, I’m so happy those moments are here for you. You are so deserving of them.
I’m so sorry that we know this deep of a loss and the tidal waves of grief that comes after. There’s nothing quite like it. On the other hand, there’s love. That love you feel for them, oh, it’s so powerful. This love powers through death, not that anything could tear apart the love a mother has for her child.
Like everyday, say their name. Share a memory about them with someone who knew them or someone new. I know how proud you are of them. They’re proud of you too.
So today, and everyday, I want you to know, I see your motherhood and your child matters and is loved by many. And you, beautiful mother, for as much love as you pour out, there is so much coming your way.
At the beginning, darkness was ever present. Then, he showed me light.
It’s the start of a new month and with May brings a lot of different things. One, that I’ve tried to do since Jensen has been born, is May We All Heal.
Usually I end up starting strong, then something pops up and I get off track. Since we’re stuck at home, I’m hoping to be creative each day and maybe even have Mila join in.
Today, I wrote a haiku. I’m not the best at poetry, but I felt like this poem spoke to my heart. Losing Jensen was the hardest moment of my life and the grief after has been life changing. It was all darkness, but slowly, he’s led me to healing and becoming stronger through love.
Any parent knows that smell. You don’t even know what it means until it’s truly gone. I remember everyone telling me she smelled so good and I’d think, ‘obviously, I bathe her.’ Then when it went away, I knew what they were talking about.
And today I got it back.
Somehow the smell fought through her hands and face covered with Cookie Crisp cereal. It overpowered the candles burning and the flowers on our dining room table. I don’t know how it pierced through the after smells of lunch, but there it was.
Maybe it was because she napped on me on the couch like she did when she was itty bitty. Maybe it’s because you never notice the last time you’ll experience something, but I know this moment was it.
This is the last time my Mila will ever smell like a little baby. It was only for a few moments, but it’s all I needed.
It’s a bittersweet symphony of being happy she’s growing, thriving even, and a sweeping melancholy for knowing she’ll never be this little again.
So for the rest of the day, I’m just going to keep her close. We’re living today in a mix of crazy toddlerhood and sleepy infancy. It’s not going to be long until it’s full out toddlerhood and into independent childhood. I know I say this a lot… but I’m really going to miss these moments.
Mila has been ultra curious about birds lately. When we wake up in the morning, she hears them singing and remembers that birds sing to us. She makes the cutest face every time she hears them. The downside is… she thinks all the birds are her friends and she wants to hold them. NOPE! If she sees them in the yard, she’ll chase after them. It’s hysterical.
Sometimes, we don’t get a lot of birds that fly on our tree or around our yard. It probably has a lot to do with the two year old that chases them and the big dog that’s never far behind. With Earth Day almost here (tomorrow), I figured out a way I could combine Mila’s new love for birds and an activity to teach her how to help them… DIY bird feeders.
I took my memory way back to elementary school when I first made one of these. Fortunately, I had recently purchased birdseed, so I had all the supplies at home too. As with anything, you can substitute these items with something better you have at home. It’s whatever is best for you and your child. I probably should have researched using something other than peanut butter. I’m allergic to it, but not severely. Mila loves it, which is why I keep it at home.
Supplies:
Toilet Paper Rolls
Bird Seed
Peanut Butter
String
Scissors
Hole Punch
Knife (or spoon)
Baking Sheet (or something flat to roll bird seed on)
To make the bird feeder, it’s pretty easy.
First, I poured birdseed all across the baking sheet. I did this first because I didn’t want to be stuck with sticky peanut butter all over my hand, then try not to mix the two.
Next, I hole punched two holes in the toilet paper roll so I could easily put the string on it. You could also just put it all the way through.
After, I spread peanut butter all over the toilet paper roll. This can be a little messy.
Then, it’s rolling time. I just made sure to get an even amount of birdseed around the roll. For some parts, I had to push down with a little pressure to make sure it stayed. When I was done, I sat them up so the peanut butter could dry a little.
After it’s dried, it’s time to tie the string on the holes. Then you’re finished and can find the perfect place on your tree.
Obviously, this is a lot of steps for a two year old. I will say, Mila did try every step, besides cutting, tying, and hanging. The first roll we did together, she helped me put the peanut butter on the roll and enjoyed rolling the bird seed on. When I went to get the third one, the peanut butter was a little distracting for her. I’m unsure who got more peanut butter… the birds or Mila.
She ended up helping me roll birdseed on the last two, but thought managing and watching me was much more fun. I guess she’s a pretty cute boss.
We found spots in our tree where birds could sit on a branch and easily reach the feeder. With this activity, we were able to recycle the toilet paper rolls and help fees our local birds.
Mila definitely understood that the birds would come eat at our tree. She kept watching for them, but ended up chasing them off. One day, she’ll realize she can admire their beauty from afar. For now, she’ll keep running and stealing their peanut butter.
If you end up making recycled bird feeders, let me know in the comments!
Check out these other spring activities by other bloggers!
There’s been two things I’ve learned about myself since the COVID lockdown: I love to cook and I’m a terrible food photographer.
Some days I make these amazing recipes and try to document along the way. Then when I’m done and have already ate, I realize the pictures I’ve taken are awful. It happens and it’s life, but today you’ll be getting badly taken pictures of food and a yummy recipe.
Normally on meatless Monday’s, Mila and I fail on the breakfast part. She loves sausage and eggs, but this morning we had raspberry yogurt and Cheerios on the trampoline. I felt pretty confident tackling the rest of today’s food choices.
After a while of playing outside, we came inside to eat. As you all know, I’ve been obsessed with Pinterest lately so I followed this recipe.
The ingredients I used:
Sweet Potato
Canned Black Beans
Corn
Tomatoes
Avocado
Queso
Shredded Cheese
Tortillas
A lot of these items can be substituted. Or if you like all the main ingredients and want to make nachos or a burrito bowl, that would be really good too. We normally eat a lot of rice or quinoa, so it was a good change of pace for us.
I followed the recipe as close as I could. Instead of flipping the tortilla over on itself, I just put another one on top. It sort of looked like a Mexican pizza that Taco Bell sells. I still let each side go on the pan to make the cheese melt and get perfectly gooey. It didn’t take long to make or eat. Mila even loved it!
I dipped my pieces in salsa and sour cream. She preferred ranch. Both tasted great.
This meal could definitely be made for dinner. It’s filling and makes you feel warm. We love to go out for Mexican, but since we can’t go right now or if in the future we’d rather just stay home, I’d make this meal again.
I have no idea what’s for dinner, but fingers crossed I can keep our Meatless Monday going.
This week has went so quick, but has felt like a lifetime with all the things that have happened. Since Mila kicked me off our new toy, I’m reflecting on all the pictures we took this week. During this time we can all use a little happiness, so I just wanted to share ten moments that have made me the happiest.
Mila Cuddles
I’m unsure if she knew my heart has needed them, but Mila has been so cuddly lately. She’ll come sit on my lap to watch movies and at night she wants me to lay right by her while she plays with my hair. It’s made my heart feel so full lately.
The Piñata Beatdown
All of Mila’s second birthday was the best, but watching her spear the piñata… I don’t think anything can top that. If you didn’t see her second birthday blog post, go back and watch it. I giggle the whole entire time. By the way, the piñata is still being used. It’s broken, but can still be hit multiple times.
ConstantSinging
Two has also brought all the singing. Throughout the day, she’ll just start singing as loud as she can and want me to join along. Her favorite song to sing is the intro to Frozen, the ‘nah nah nah nah.’ If you’ve watched the movie or have an obsessed toddler, you know. I’ve also been listening to “My Favorite Murder,” which is a podcast, and she sings the intro tune for it too. Maybe I should mute that when she can here, oops.
An Organized Fridge/Snack Drawers
This is the smallest things and no one really thinks about, but this week, I cleaned out my fridge. I feel like a new person. Now I know all the food I have in there and everything has a spot. Mila even has her little snack and juice corner that she has complete access to. It’s the little things that make you happy and life go a lot smoother.
Gardening
I’m officially a plant mom. I check my little plants multiple times a day to see what else has sprouted. Anytime I see they need watered, I have my little squirt bottle and go to town. I didn’t know how seeing that sort of growth would make me smile so much. It gives Mila and I something to look forward to doing every day. A new part of our routine!
New Recipes
If quarantine has shown me anything, it’s my Pinterest addiction. I’ve found SO many new recipes to make now and try in the future. This weeks new recipe was this bacon cheeseburger grilled cheese meal. Oh my goodness, it was amazing. I’ve been craving grilled cheese lately, but this new recipe is just so good. I’ve also found new vegetarian recipes to make on Mondays and whenever I’m not feeling meat. It’s gotten to a point where I want to share all the new recipes I make, but that would be bombarding.
Mila’s Crafts and Independent Play
For the last few weeks, Mila’s started to play more independently. I’m unsure if it’s because I’ve put more thought into her activities throughout the day or she’s just getting older and her imagination is growing. We do an art craft or experiment almost everyday then talk about it, which she looks forward too. Then we read all the time, but she’s started ‘reading’ to her stuffed animals and Max. Another contributing factor is she got a lot of independent play toys for Easter and her birthday that have worked. I’ll try to write a post about toys she likes and maybe that could help another parent in deciding what to gift their two year old (or around this age) for whatever. One thing she’s gotten that has been used multiple times a day is her new easel. I love seeing her creative side.
Playroom Art
This venture will definitely be a blog post… or two. I’m converting Jensen’s room into a playroom. It’s been hard, but I know it’ll be worth it in the end. Again, I’ll save this for a future post when the playroom is completely finished. ANYWAYS, I recently found a college student who makes this artwork from pictures. It’s like she takes a photo of you and sort of makes like pop art. There’s bright colors, the outline of the bodies, and the details in the clothes, but all other details are blurred. It’s so beautiful and I’m thankful I found her!
Almost Finishing Spring Classes
If you didn’t know, I’m so close to finishing all my classes to teach full time. After this semester is finished, I’ll only have four more classes and student teaching. Not a lot at all! But, I still have to finish the two classes I’m in right now. Anyways, the stress of everything going on right now has made it hard to work on my finals. I kept putting them off, but as of yesterday, I’m done writing papers for the spring semester. That’s something to celebrate!
Trampoline Time
The new toy I Mila kicked me off of is a trampoline. It was put up last night and it was a birthday gift for her from my mom and dad. Every time she saw a trampoline, she’d tell us she wanted to jump on the ‘lean.’ Mila is so active and even though she’s a little young to have one, she’s obsessed. While we were putting up the safety nap, she was on there jumping and all day today, she’s been jumping. I love that she’s so active and seeing her get more comfortable with her body makes me happy. It’s crazy because it seems like she excels at whatever she tries to do. No matter if it’s gymnastics or running or doing defensive basketball slides, she’s just naturally athletic. I can’t wait to make memories and watch her make them on her trampoline. This is only the beginning.
I hope all of you can find many moments you were grateful for this week. Just a reminder that we’re all doing our best.
Today we made a memory. One that isn’t going to go away any time soon either. I marked Mila’s height on one for the doorways in our house.
Through this little mark, I learned two things. The first, Mila is actually pretty tall. I didn’t realize it until I stepped back and saw how high it was compared to a door. When I see her running around, I still see a little girl. I know she’s getting tall, but wow. The second thing… how much I’ve healed in four years.
I know that probably sounds silly. How does a little mark show growth? For me it’s the permanence of the mark. When I was pregnant with Mila and for so long, I thought I was going to lose her. I thought she was going to die so many times during pregnancy and that first year. Then I thought she’d be taken away with the psychological mind games that were played with me.
It sounds dramatic and overboard, but it’s true. She’s mine and no one can take her away, but I never believed she could stay. I felt like if I let myself believe it, something would happen. It’s been an awful battle. But she’s not going anywhere.
When I look at that little mark, I can picture the next sixteen years of measuring her. You know if she lets me and all. But I’ve never been able to see past so many years ahead. I’ve always thought I just had today. Those intrusive thoughts with parenting after loss are hard and can suck the joy out of everything. I’m really trying though.
We made a memory today and the physical memory is about an inch long. I know when I look back on those hashes, I’ll see Mila wanting me to remeasure her and the shock in her face that mama drew on the wall. I’m sitting here picturing how tall she’ll be next year and thinking I’ll write what she wants to be when she grows up beside them too.
I’m so happy about her growing and progressing. There are so many moments I wish I could pause, but I want her to keep getting older and growing as big as she’ll get. I know what it’s like to not have my child grow and have their hashmark on the doorway. Jensen has taught me so much about life and myself and Mila is teaching me how to move forward and grow. One piece of information doesn’t shadow the other. The light and heavy are always present in my life. I’m just doing my best juggling the both of them and making sure they both know how much I love them.
Yesterday, I planned on writing a recommendation post while Mila napped. Turned out, I must have needed one too. Her usual quick nap turned into her and I snoozing for three hours. I’m definitely not complaining about the extra sleep, but it pushed back some of my plans. Oh well.
Since Mila took her nap a little later and longer, she wanted to stay up. I figured instead of just watching a movie, we could do an Earth week inspired activity. There’s a few that I’ve saved on Pinterest, but during the lockdown, I found a subscription box that caught my attention.
The Kids Art Box is an activity box for kids of all ages. It can be modified for younger and older kids, which is perfect for siblings. March’s box, the one I have, came with four activities and a seed bomb visual recipe. The really cool thing about this box is everything you need comes in it, besides the visual recipe ingredients. This is a game changer. I have a lot of craft supplies at my house, but usually when I was to do a specific one, I have to go to the store. The Kids Art Box takes care of the trip to the store or tearing your house apart. It’s also all color coded. So, the instruction card comes with a colored dot and you can find all the supplies you need for that specific card with the same colored dot.
The mom who makes these, Melanie, does an amazing job of organizing the boxes, making sure everything’s in there, and explaining what needs to be done. Unfortunately, I didn’t snag a picture of everything wrapped up. Mila thinks everything need unwrapped immediately (thanks birthday week!). All activities are clever, creative, and conducive to learning. It’s definitely worth the price as well. The best option is $33 a month and you get everything you need. I think between having all the supplies and not having to search a while for activities, it’s so worth it. If you want to check out the boxes and want $10 off, press here.
Back to our story…
I grabbed the box and Mila had tore everything open. It wasn’t hard to figure out what went where, but she thought her way was better. When looking through everything, she kept noticing the picture of the Earth and she does this weird thing where when she sees it she tries to eat it. It’s from watching a movie, Pets 2. The next time we watch it, I’ll try to record and share; makes me laugh every time. Anyways, the activity I chose for her to do was the mixed media Earth collage.
It came with: cardboard cut in a circle, blue and green paint, a packet of buttons, a packet of gems, a glue stick, string, washi tape, glitter glue, and a paint brush. A laminated picture of the world, along with directions, supply list, and information about the craft accompanied it as well.
Mila is obsessed with the buttons and gems! She kept saying ‘cute!’ I told her we were using green and blue because that’s the color of our earth. After the eating noises stopped, she pointed to the different colors and I told her she needed to paint the earth on her circle. She did typical painting routine and I think she nailed it. I asked her why it wasn’t all blue and green and she pointed to the clouds. At least I know she was referencing the picture.
By then, it was getting late and Mila started yawning. We cleaned everything up and let her earth dry over night.
When we woke up and after we watched Frozen of course, Mila insisted on seeing her earth. The paint dried up nicely and we started right on adding other media.
She’s never really experimented with glitter glue or a glue stick, but caught on after I showed her. She loved squeezing everything out and was insistent on glueing the buttons and gems down. When it got too sticky for her, she let me help her. We played around with the different media for about thirty minutes until I thought she couldn’t add anything else.
I really loved this activity and Mila did too. We talked about why we were adding blue and green and what they represented. She kept pointing to the the blue and saying beach or pool. I can definitely see us doing something similar in the upcoming years. She enjoyed it and I think it’d be interesting to see how she progressing in her understanding too.
Our little earth doesn’t have a home yet, the glitter glue is still drying… she ended up using the whole tube. She’s all girl and loves her glitter. I’m thinking of putting all our Earth Week crafts where I usually have garland. When Mila sees her art hanging, she always points to it and shows it off when people visit. It’ll be adorable to see all of her different interpretations.
I’m seriously so happy with this art box. When we do the next activity, I’ll make sure to show everything packaged together and lined up. I really want to do a “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” activity, just trying to find something for her age. If you have any ideas or suggestions, let me know!
Again, if you’d like to look up more information on this, click here. If you follow that link, you can get $10 off of your order!
What are some ways you celebrate or how do you teach your child about Earth Day?
Mila turned two yesterday! Celebrating during a pandemic was something I’d never even thought would happen. She didn’t miss a beat though! When we first woke up, I sung happy birthday to her and the rest of the morning she danced and sang. During breakfast, she requested to watch ‘Anna,’ which is Frozen. It was such a fun morning, I’ll never forget it.
I will say, it seems like between Monday night and Tuesday morning, Mila learned a bunch of new phrases and words. It seems silly, but it’s like as soon as she turned two she jumped further into toddlerhood. I know she’s been expanding her vocabulary, but it felt like a huge leap! She’s been saying, ‘what the heck’ and ‘what happened’ over and over.
Anyways, we ended up doing a little photoshoot. If you don’t follow me on other social media, we celebrated with ‘Taco Twosday.’ Our little setup was fiesta inspired and even had a homage to the coronavirus. It was funny and made me laugh. Mila looked so cute. She was supposed to wear a little sombrero, but REFUSED to keep it on. There were so many cute pictures and I’m glad, now, we took them.
Let me tell you… anything with patience and staying still is not Mila’s forte. She is a runner and moves constantly. It was a workout to get the pictures I did. Midway through, she had a completely toddler tantrum to the point I made her lay down to take a break. That break turned into a two hour nap. BUT, I loved the pictures we got and the memories we made. Two can be difficult. Lots of emotions and things going on in her head!
Afterwards, we had a little fiesta at my parents house. My dad and Mila share their birthday. I remember when I was in labor, he was hoping they’d have the same birthday and said it was the best gift. Its heartwarming to me that they have this bond.
Mila is obsessed with blowing out candles and made us relight them two or three times. I made her cake and my mom made my dads. Obviously you can see the little finger swipes in Mila’s cake. I wish I could’ve heard her thoughts because she thought it was amazing she had her own cake.
After dinner, cake, and presents, we had gotten a piñata for her to hit. It was pure comedy. She had a piñata stick and everything. For some reason, she was in this hunter/spear fisher pose to hit it. (I’ll post one of the videos) Honestly, I want to go get another piñata for her to just take her aggression out. We let her play with it for like fifteen minutes until we broke it. She would’ve easily played with it for a lot longer! Just a little heads up if you’re looking for something for your toddler to do. Would not recommend keeping the stick in reach, since she chased me around the house with it today.
I won’t go on forever about the day, but I truly was so special. There are times parenting is so hard and days like this make all those moments seem so not important. Seeing her smile and just be happy is unexplainable.
It’s hard to believe she is two, but it’s here. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for her.
Yesterday while she napped, I wrote this…
This is TWO.
This is pure madness at every corner. This is growing. This is having fun. This is pushing the limits. This is her becoming the person she is meant to be.
Her two doesn’t look like anyone else’s two and I’m so happy for that. No matter where this next year takes us, I know she’ll blossom in all she does.
Mila and I had such a great Easter Day. When she woke up, she immediately asked for ‘bun bun’ and wanted to find her basket. She absolutely LOVED all her gifts, especially the chocolate, and we just had a fun day. I was surprised how much she loved the Easter egg hunt. After the initial one, I had to hide eggs three more times.
Honestly, it was so different than any other holiday, but I loved it. I’ll just spam you with some pictures here instead of making a post later today.
Seriously, such a great day., with the most random pictures ever.
With Easter, well in my house, comes all the hard boiled eggs. For lunch today, I was just staring in my fridge wondering what I could make with them. As usual, I went on Pinterest and found some inspiration.
I saw these little hard boiled egg sandwiches, that I thought would be perfect. Mila isn’t huge on bread for sandwiches or anything. When she eats, it’ll be like random slices of cheese and cuts of turkey and ham. I knew she was really enjoying hard boiled eggs yesterday for breakfast and knew I could put other things on there she’d like.
In my fridge, I found bacon, tomatoes, and avocados. Better known as a recipe for success. I fried the bacon, cut everything up, and built our little sandwiches. I only cut up two eggs, but should’ve done way more.
Of course, I added cheese and different seasonings. I feel like I always use salt, pepper, and paprika.
Turns out, Mila liked the mini sandwiches more than I could imagine. I only got to eat one of them and she mauled the others. Surprisingly, she didn’t even share with Max!
It’s a simple lunch recipe you can make with your left over eggs. The longest part of it was making the bacon and if you didn’t have bacon, it’d still be good with left over ham or turkey from Easter or whatever lunch meat you had in your fridge.
So serious about keeping her food to herself.
We have about four eggs left, so I’ll probably try to come up with something new to do for dinner or lunch tomorrow. If you have any recipes, send them my way!
Tomorrow is Mila’s second birthday! I’m feeling pretty emotional about it, but I know it’s going to be a great day. I can’t wait for everyone to see what we have planned.
If you try the egg sandwiches, let me know. I loved hearing everyone’s go with the French onion grilled cheese!
Grey Skies & Rainbow Highs 