Throughout the last three years I’ve documented the most vulnerable parts of my life on this blog. Things I didn’t think that were safe anywhere else somehow oozed through me when I started typing. Everything felt okay to talk about besides one thing because I promised I never would. Words and promises don’t mean a lot to most people anymore, as most of us know, but I try my best to be a person someone could trust.
Somewhere around two years ago, I met someone who swept me off my feet, let’s call him AM. We could talk about anything and when we did get to hangout, a couple hours felt like a few minutes. I felt like I could by my whole self and there was an understanding of what we needed each other to be for one another. After a little while, I ended up getting pregnant. Things happen and birth control doesn’t always work, but I was okay. I was ready to start with pregnancy all over again and hopefully being home a living child. On the other hand, I was terrified. I didn’t think a mistake had been made, but I definitely was nervous to see what my family would think and how I’d tell AM. For a few weeks, I sat on my little secret. I continued talking to him and going on about life fairly normally.
Then something popped up a few weeks later. When he was over one day, I caught a slip in what he had told me about himself. Like any person, I went to the internet to investigate more. What I found wasn’t at all what I had thought. I found he had a family and a life he had never talked about. The things he said were true, just the other people left out. Honestly, I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. I went to my mom to tell her, first about the baby, then about everything else. She wanted me to keep it all to myself. That I could do it all alone and that’s totally true. Maybe I should have and it would’ve saved a lot of pain… but I couldn’t imagine having a child and just not knowing. Maybe I’d end up solo parenting this child, but I juggled with her advice and telling him. Instead of taking her advice not to tell AM, I had to…
Now the people who this is intended for don’t really need to know that background. I’m the bad guy in your guys eyes.. I get it. It’s fine and I’m alright with it. The whole time Mila was a secret to you, it was very real to Adrian and me. You were unaware of the war that was going on in his mind and sort of a second life/family, whatever you want to say. There’s 100x more damaging information to him and the family that was told to me that would shock you, but that’s not for me to share…
What I need to say is way more important than that. All the secret stuff was never really about him and I. It was always about Mila. You didn’t see after the shock when we’d talk about how we thought she’d look like or me telling him what I planned on naming her (which I had picked when I had my child, I didn’t even know it was.. taken. Even though I asked if I should change her name.). You didn’t see the trying to catch her moving around or the belly kisses. Or know about the constant updates from allllllll the doctor appointments or see the ultrasound I tried to point out what body part we were looking at. You didn’t see the worried texts from when I was in labor and I’m guessing you didn’t understand why he probably seemed off that week. You didn’t see his face the first time he met her or how weird it was when he asked to hold her. You didn’t know how many times a week he’d come to see her or how she looked at him. You have no idea how hard it was when he’d leave and she’d look or crawl towards the door wanting him to come back. You don’t know the gifts he got her for Christmas or anything.
There’s also the negative you didn’t know existed too. Like my many options for him to ‘get out.’ A complete erase for everything and continually was turned down. Or the times I wasn’t the only one being ‘talked’ to and shut it down. Arguments about how supporting Mila and how everything needed to be in the open. Everything would always turn around and a compromise would be made. Things would go back to the normal because there was never an option of him being out of Mila’s life.
I can’t tell you how many conversations there were about her calling him dad or how that’d work out in the future. He told me that no matter what, he was biologically made to love her and she gave it right back to him. There were many conversations about her meeting her grandparents because I thought about how horrible it would be to not know she ever existed or to see how much of him was in her. All the promises he made to never not be in her life because if you know him, you know he’s an awesome dad.
When things started to turn mid last year, I started to be unaware of what the future would hold. I got angry when he told me he loved me and Mila, wouldn’t even say it back, although we both knew for awhile. Yeah, ‘mistakes’ were made. He wasn’t always a great person, neither was I, but isn’t that everyone?
The day he told you, we were on the phone for hours, just arguing on what to do. None of us wanted to let go, but I don’t think we really wanted thing to change or to hurt anyone either. There were so many times I wanted to tell everyone, but I stuck to my promise. I’ll never forget the things he told me was said… like how he’d forget ‘that’ child and me in six months time if he just stopped communication. Because that’s not obviously happened… I don’t even understand how this thought could even make sense. I haven’t had my son for three years and I still think of him everyday. To have a child just a few towns away… there’s no forgetting. How I’m a serious ‘home wrecker,’ which is hilarious because if you knew me, I’m totally the opposite person to that. I’m sure you think that’s annoyingly humorous as well. It’s known that I’m not the ‘problem’ and you continue to choose to ignore it. And if you knew Mila, you’d know you could never forget her. People that aren’t even her family wouldn’t forget her… but it was so easily for you to and to see how much that affects him…
I guess you were never her family anyways nor would I want that. I wouldn’t want anyone to make a person in their life feel like poison in my daughter’s life. When she gets of age and starts to ask questions, I won’t lie to her. I’ll tell her everything she asks and wants to know. Because she does matter and she has a right to know. And in that truth that she’s told, it’ll never be because you didn’t want her or to have your family/image tarnished or whatever your reasons are, it’ll be because you simply did not deserve to know her. And at the end of the day she’s loved beyond all measure.