Pregnant.

One word can change two people’s lives forever. What better way for a mother-to-be to spend her birthday than knowing in nine short months she would have her bundle of joy.  As soon as this baby’s parents found out, they were overjoyed of course and quickly agreed to a baby boy’s name: Jensen Grey. The baby’s mom knew the baby was a boy before the doctor even told them. They dreamed of holding him, kissing him, and watching him grow. Their dreams for their perfect family had already began to unfold.

The mom-to-be ate healthy, took the prenatal vitamins, and went to every doctor appointment. At 17 weeks, they went for the anatomy scan. The BIG appointment; where you found out if you should be painting pink or blue. The baby’s mom already knew she should be painting blue, but this would confirm everything. Baby was not shy and showed everyone in the room that, in fact, he was a boy. Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa were all so happy to know they would have their Jensen Grey.

But Mom and Dad got more news than they would have liked. Instead of leaving the doctor’s office ecstatic they were their Jensen, they left scared. Baby Jensen was at increased percentage for Down syndrome. Mom and Dad were told all the bad things that revolved around Down syndrome. They didn’t let this bother them for too long; instead they researched and saw all the positives. The doctors still let them know the risks and even the increased risk of baby Jensen being stillborn. Mom didn’t think that was even possible.

Jensen thrived through all the ultrasounds. He moved when he was supposed to, stuck out his tongue for mom, and even practiced his breathing so perfectly. While Jensen was growing and getting strong inside his mommy’s belly, she got everything ready on the outside. She painted his nursery, bought everything he needed, and had a big baby shower to celebrate his life. Everything in life was going just as perfect as they planned. Their Baby J would be home so very soon.

On April 4, 2016, Mom and Dad went to go check up on Jensen to see how close he was to being born. Mom was 38 weeks with swollen feet and just ready to meet her little man. Everything about this day seemed to go normally, but they would soon find out it was not a normal day. Mom laid down for the ultrasound ready to hear the galloping heartbeat, but there was silence. The doctor was called into the room and they hurriedly looked at the ultrasound screen in frowns.

“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

One phrase can change two people’s lives forever.

Baby Jensen Grey was born asleep on April 5, 2016 at 4:25 in the morning. He was absolutely perfect weighing 7 pound 1 ounce and 19 3/4 inches long. Jensen shocked his mommy and daddy with blond hair, since they had dark hair. Baby was cleaned up and dressed, then nurse Angie took pictures for his mommy and daddy to always have. Later that night his mommy was sent back home to recover for the rest of the time. Although Jensen didn’t physically go home with him mommy and daddy, he now is always with them in their hearts.

This 48 hours was all a blur to Jensen’s mommy. At first she couldn’t remember it all, but it slowly comes back to her with each day. The fuzzy, grim phrase the doctor told them now screams in her ears. The empty belly aches of his loss. Her heart breaks more and more with every beat, wishing Jensen’s was beating more. After losing him, she is stuck in a tornado of grief only trying to remember the happy ultrasounds, Jensen’s hiccups, and her dreams for her baby.

My Jensen’s time here was short, but was filled with love. I remember his kicks when he got chocolate milk, turning his head for an ultrasound picture, and rolling to listen to his daddy read him stories before bed. His loss is unfathomable, no words can describe what it’s like without him. Jensen was my whole entire world.

As his mother, I know I have to go through this grief for Jensen. He only knew me as a happy person that would do anything for him. To keep his memory alive, I have decided to do a few things. First, to create this blog to cope with my grief. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and some of this process I think would be able to help other Mother’s of angel babies. Secondly, to help educate other’s on stillbirths and other topics of pregnancy and infant loss. I know I’m not an expert, but I am learning slowly and want to share what I am learning. It is important for other’s to know more of these topics since it’s usually never talked about and should be. Lastly, I want to take part in Random Acts of Kindness in Jensen Grey’s name. It is important to keep his memory alive in a positive way that’s inspired by ours and his love for each other.

I hope you follow me throughout my grieving process, participate in Random Acts of Kindness in Jensen’s name, and share his story. It’s a hard journey ahead, but my love for my Baby J gets me through today. I only hope that I am making him smile as he watches me from above.