Grief weighs so heavily on me. Most days I do not feel like getting out of bed to participate in ‘real’ life. When I actually do have the courage to go out in the world, it never fails that I head something that makes me want to run and hide in bed. This list has been weighing on me for weeks, with the last on it just recently being said to me.
This list isn’t meant to stir up trouble or make anyone weary of saying anything about Jensen to me. Believe me, I love talking about Jensen and sharing his story with others. There’s 38 weeks of his life that I proudly talk about. I have so many ultrasound pictures I’ll show you. I will talk about grief and baby loss. These are just the topics that are going on in my head every second about Jensen and the past fourteen weeks.
Good thing you didn’t get attached.
He wasn’t a puppy. Jensen was my child. He was a sweet baby who has a family that loves him more than anything. I see the picture of his first shoes and just want to cry thinking that people didn’t think I was attached to him. Or I feel as if that he wore these shoes or I brought Jensen home with me, I would be worse off than I already am. I don’t know, I just can’t wrap my head around it. How could I not love him just because he was stillborn. He died and I’m still attached to him. I was ‘attached’ the second I saw the positive sign when I took the pregnancy test. I had 38 full weeks with Jensen and had a lifetime of, well, life planned for the both of us. Just because he died doesn’t mean he didn’t exist and my love for him just ended. He is and always will be my first-born son; I’ll always be attached to him.
At least you’re not staying up all night with your kid.
This was said in conversation with a person who was complaining about being up all night with their child. I replied with understanding not being able to sleep at night, since I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep in months. Then it was said. Instead of being up all night with Jensen, I’m up all night missing him and crying. I would do anything to be up with him all night, even if he was screaming his lungs out. These sleepless nights are unending.
You can always have more children.
This might or might not be true, either way, I’ll never get my Jensen back. Sometimes I think this statement is meant to be comforting, but I can’t see it like that. If my mom passed away, I would never be able to have her back nor would I ever be able to have another mom. A child is no different. I will never have Jensen back. Another baby would not be a replacement to him, just a sibling. When I hear this, I personally feel like it makes Jensen’s life unimportant. Just because he passed away and I might be able to have another child, does not mean it erases everything that’s happened.
Isn’t it time for you to be moving on?
No. I will never move on from Jensen. Right now, everything is still so raw and the pain is so strong. My child died, it’s not like I lost an earring that I really loved. There is a ton of issues I have to work through, that are connected to his life, death, and this messy aftermath. I can’t even explain them all, I just know I have to work through them. More importantly, how can someone ever move on from their son. It’s not like it’s a bad time in my life. He was the greatest thing ever. Do I have to move forward with my life and continue living? Yes, but it’s hard. The hardest thing I have ever done is give birth to my son knowing he wouldn’t be alive. You don’t just pick up and move on to the next thing. I incorporate him in my everyday life, plan things that make his memory and life even more great, and just do everything for him.
Are you still depressed about this whole thing?
Yes. This question is sort of like the previous one, but I feel as if it’s talking more about me and grief. I’m not sure if it’s particularly about being depressed with Jensen, just the aftermath. But it always goes back to him and his death. It’s hard. I can’t separate the two right now, eventually I’ll be able. Depression and grief is messy. Some days I can go on semi-normally, but it’s mostly me crying and being depressed. In our world, depression is so negatively viewed and people brush it under the rug. It is messy and almost impossible to live with. For me, it’s loss of my son, the pleasures of life, my future, and even relationships. It changes everything. So yeah, I am still depressed almost fourteen weeks out. To get back to a ‘normal-ness’ can take up to five years. Please don’t be surprised or think it’s such a crazy thing that I’m still in a depression. This is normal.
God wanted him more.
I believe in God and I know Jensen is in heaven, but this did not comfort me. It could be the setting I was in. My previous doctor said this and didn’t call Jensen a him, he actually said “God wanted it more.” My son is not an it. I think this really put a bad taste in my mouth with other people comforting me with heaven and God statements. Do not ever tell a mother that her child is wanted more by someone else, even God. I know that has to sound horrible, but I’m sorry I would have done ANYTHING to save him. I don’t care what it was. To even say that he was wanted or loved more by someone else… it doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t really like the phrase, “He’s in a better place,” either. There’s not better place for him than with me. I know we’re all children of God, but Jensen is mine and I know he should be with me. This goes hand-in-hand with secondary loss. There’s a loss of faith during child loss that a parent goes through. I’ve struggled with my faith and relationship with God through all of this. I can’t imagine anyone or thing wanting Jensen more than I want him. For me, personally, religion and faith is a tricky thing. I enjoy hearing certain scripture and for me to interpret it as I need to at that time. Like I said, I believe in God and I know Jensen is in heaven with my grandma and Anthony’s mom, but it’s not comforting right now.
It’s like losing a child…
There is not one single thing in this world that is like losing a child. Do not compare anything to this. I understand other loss hurts and it changes life, but losing a child is not natural and is out of any order I have ever known. It makes you question yourself as a person or me as a mother. This has made me question if I hurt him. Jensen’s death is not a single event, it’s the promise of life of before to everything being broken. Please, do not compare anything to losing a child. Trust me, this is not something you want to know.
With all these being said, saying absolutely nothing about Jensen and this grief is so much worse. It’s more silence on top of the biggest silence. Just saying his name and letting me know you’re thinking about us and our family does so much. Jensen’s name and the stigma about stillbirth needs to be talked about. Being silent about everything does nothing.
Again, this isn’t a post to make anyone feel bad or not let anyone say anything to me again. I just felt like I needed to share.
There are really no words. I am so unbelievably sorry. A mother should never have to bury a child. My heart aches for you. You are so strong, even if you don’t feel like you are. I’m really trying not to cry thinking about all you’ve had to go through, from the time you found out, to labor, to not going home with your beautiful little boy. Jensen will always be with you, and I send my heart and love to you. You are a wonderful mother, and I know that not much can do this, but I pray so hard for your pain to be eased in some way.
Stay strong mama, and take all the time you need.
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Thank you for your support and reading through Jensen and I’s story. It means so much to me that his name is being said and thought about. This journey is not one anyone would choose, but I am so blessed to be Jensen’s mother. I appreciate all your sweet words and prayers.
I’m sorry. I found this educational….because what do you say to someone who has lost a child? Nothing…there is nothing you can say.. I’m am a mother of 3, i have never lost a child but I do know that I wouldn’t know how to survive. God Bless you. You are strong, and I pray you are able to find peace throughout such an unimaginable time.
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It’s so very hard to comfort a grieving parent. Most of the times we don’t even know what we want said to us, but you’re absolutely right there are no words to say.
Surviving is very hard right now. It’s crazy to think this is my reality and I have to live the rest of my life without him.
Thank you so much for your support, kind words, and prayers.
The “God wanted him more” and “you can have more children” comments are so infuriating! I can’t believe someone said “at least you’re not up all night with your child” ?!?!?!? That is completely inappropriate and hurtful. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. Some people just don’t get it, but there is no excuse for that.
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I was absolutely shocked to hear that one too! They’re all so infuriating. You’re right most people don’t get it, but I wish some used a little more common sense while talking to a loss mom. I’m sorry anyone has to hear these things.
I lost my son two years ago. I was 34 weeks and five days along. I’ve been told many crazy and hurtful things. When I held my friends baby girl, who was right around my son’s age, I was told how sick I was, that I was pretending that she was my son. When I became pregnant again I fought with my nurse who told me that my son didn’t count as a child because he died. So many hurtful things come out of people’s mouths. One of my brevement mothers posted not to long ago some great advice. If you replace “baby” with mother, people would see how harmful their comments are. Example: Your mother didn’t count she died. You can always have another mother. By replacing that one word would make people quickly think twice before spewing it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It is an absolutely devastating journey none of us thought we’d be on. On top of that people say all these ridiculous things! I can’t believe you had to encounter that nurse telling you that. Of course he counts and ALWAYS will. Thank you for telling me about replacing mother with baby. I’m going to use that now so people can realize how harmful it is. Hugs to you!
I’m so sorry for your loss! My daughter, Lexi was stillborn on 2/8/16. Somehow, in this post, you captured everything my heart has been wanting to say!!! I feel like I scream and no sound comes out. Thank you for speaking our truths! You and Jensen are forever in my heart!!!
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I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Lexi, as well! Although I’m glad it captured everything your hearts been wanting to say, I’m so sorry you have to know how it feels. It is utterly heartbreaking.
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