Four years of loving, grieving, and learning who I am post-loss. It’s also four years of wondering what he would be like through every stage and how amazing of a big brother he’d be. I wonder about small details like his smile, the sound of his voice, and how deeply I could look into his eyes. Of course, I wonder about the big things too. Every day I think about him and what we’d all be doing. I don’t think that’ll ever change.
This birthday was a lot harder than the previous three. I was not mentally in a good place on Saturday and it carried into his day. Every year, I try to just search for the light. I allow myself to be sad because this is unfair. A child shouldn’t die and they shouldn’t miss birthdays or hugs or any of it.
Instead of being sad, I just got angry.
Maybe it’s a mix of what’s happening in the world and just the constant realization he’ll never be here… or maybe it’s because it’s just sad and hard. We’re not supposed to talk about how angry we get. Anger is such an ugly emotion. It can show the worst in a person and it’s hard to control. Usually, it’s reactive and not the deeper emotion, but it’s hard to let go once you have a hold on it. I’d go through bits of being angry and then weeping. Honestly, I just miss him and I think my brain didn’t know how to cope with grief this year. This birthday was a lot harder than the previous three. I was not mentally in a good place on Saturday and it carried into his day. Every year, I try to just search for the light. I allow myself to be sad because this is unfair. A child shouldn’t die and they shouldn’t miss birthdays or hugs or any of it.
I’m scared about going into year five. It’s insane to think that it’ll be half a decade since he’s been born. Before I started writing this post, I wrote my annual letter to Jensen. While writing, I kept remembering the last time I felt him; to the point where I felt like a residual movement in my body. I wondered when they would go away and realized I wanted to keep that feeling forever. It’s hard to think one day I’ll lose that and I don’t want to lose any more of him.
The day did lighten up a bit as it went on. We had cake and sang to Jensen. That made me so happy. When I get to hear and say his name out loud, my heart feels at peace.
So, a little fun fact. On Jensen’s first birthday, I baked him a cake from scratch. It was cute. All blue and two or three-tiered and I tried so so hard. Honestly, it wasn’t the best tasting cake, but I loved that I made it for him. For the last two years, I’ve bought a cake for his little party. They’ve been much tastier and better looking, to be honest.
Well, this year, with COVID, I decided to make another cake for Jensen. I could’ve ordered one or whatever, but I’m glad I didn’t because I needed the space to create instead of being mad. This time, I had the help with a box cake but spiced it up a little bit. I put chocolate chips in the batter and decided to use fresh strawberries in between the layers and on top of the cake. Well, I didn’t have my two circle cake pans and had to use a rectangle one. I planned to cut it in half to make two layers… it crumbled while I was getting it out of the pan. The horror right?
I made it work. It might not have been the prettiest cake… but it tasted AMAZING. I feel like I redeemed myself from year one and that Jensen would have approved of all the chocolate. Mila sure did.
I’m happy I could celebrate Jensen and his life.
Four whole years of loving this amazing little boy who never ceases to amaze me. I wish he was here every day and in so many ways he is. This year of grief is going to be different than in previous years. I don’t know this part of my journey. It feels like a new ‘step’ or part that I’ve not encountered before. Maybe shock has finally worn off? Or reality has cemented in? Grief is so hard to explain, especially with it being different for everyone.
I just know I’m trying my best to be a good mom to Jensen and Mila. I know how much I love them both and miss my little man. I’m ready to evolve and have Jensen guide me through this next stage.
He’s always right here with me.
Happy Fourth Birthday, Jensen! You are so very loved and missed. Thank you for always being the light in my life.
Amidst everything happening in the world and the personal things too, I’ve not been looking forward to April. It’s the fourth one since everything changed. That feeling of grief climbing out of my chest is present.
Some part of me thought this April would be different with the coronavirus, Mila being a lively almost two year old, and dealing with things happening closely to me that I can not control. Yet, here I am. The last few days, it’s weighed on me more heavily. I just can’t believe it’s been another year without him.
I’m trying to be positive, but it’s just unfair. All the things I ‘should’ be doing for Jensen are more present around these days. I keel thinking about how much different quarantine would be with him. Life in general just would be… different. It’s so hard to explain. There’s no word or explanation that would make sense to other people. Here we are almost four years later and I can’t quite find the words to describe how sucky it is to not have your kid with you.
Mila helps. I’m weary of typing that because it’s unfair to her and parents who can’t or choose not to have more children; but she helps me. She makes me smile and I remember April is her month too. Jensen wouldn’t want her to be sad or for us not to celebrate how beautiful this month is even though it’s filled with sadness too. I know Mila senses the sadness. She’ll come over and flash her smiles, stroke my face, and just give me a kiss. I know deep down he picked her out for me.
One thing I’ve learned through it all is we’ll make it. Somedays you just have to take it second by second, but we’ll survive.
Like I’ve said in the past, the days leading are always worse than the actual day. Grief makes anticipation feel like dread. This past weekend, Mila hasn’t felt well and I was scared that it’d roll into April. So when she woke up fever free and happy, I knew it’d get easier.
We actually went and picked up a picnic table/bench that we’ll probably use frequently in the next few months (social distancing was practiced). She’s immediately taken a liking to it and it just makes me feel better. Finding happy moments when everything feels heavy makes the day a little nicer.
I’m hopeful April’s will get easier. I’m hopeful that I’ll start celebrating them again. I’m hopeful that Jensen’s day will be seen as happy and I won’t be as sad. I know I’ll always carry the grief and heaviness of losing him, but I’m getting to a part in my journey where it can coincide with happiness simultaneously.
Today I’m just grateful for Jensen, Mila, and watching her cheesy fingers throw Cheetos to Max. I’m hopeful for peaceful April’s and breakfasts our on our new picnic table. This year, I’m ready for April and going into year five of grieving.
Today was absolutely BEAUTIFUL outside. We had sunshine and warmish weather this morning and afternoon. Mila and I were outside for like three hours and I feel so refreshed. We try to get outside for a little bit every day, but it’s just different when it’s perfect out.
Since it was so nice outside and I needed to get some things done, I knew I had to get Mila doing an activity. We had brunch, the she free played in the yard while I started on my homework this week. It’s like she has this alarm in her head when I get my laptop out. As soon as I started typing, she ran over to me and sat in my lap. It happens and I can’t be mad at her cute face. I asked her to go rake the leaves back in the pile and I’d get a sentence or two done and she was yelling at me.
I was looking around at what I could distract her with and all I could see was her water table, which I would 100% recommend to anyone. The big thing with getting the water table is she would have water everywhere and it’s not that warm out.
But I know water works; especially with Mila.
I went inside my house and went to get a big tub from my storage container to put water in. Then, I filled it up like a quarter of the way and had her pick up all the balls in our yard. To make it fun, I put Dawn dish soap in there to make bubbles. She loves swishing water around to make them bigger so that was a hit. I also got different cups/containers, utensils, and her bath baby.
With all the parenting blogs and instagram accounts I follow, they all recommend using tongs to promote fine motor skills. I finally got Mila do use them and she was picking up all the balls. She played with just the tongs for like thirty minutes. When she was over that, I told her to give her baby a bath and to make sure all the balls were squeaky clean. She was occupied for about an hour, which gave me plenty of time to write my discussion board posts and replies. j
Water works! I think it’s so cool how interested toddlers, and kids in general, are so into playing with water. Mila will fill up a cup and empty it in the bath for such a long time. Anytime she’s grump, I’ll put her in the bath or put a towel under a tub so she can play inside when it isn’t nice out.
After playing and cleaning everything up, Mila was ready for her ‘nack’ (snack), watched Moana, and is still napping. I’d say it was a pretty successful morning and afternoon playing in the water.
Yeah, my ‘mom tip’ might be pretty weak, but being under lockdown can feel overwhelming for parents and that thirty minutes to an hour can truly make it or break it. Although we did it as an outdoor activity, don’t be afraid to bring it indoors. I’m feeling a lot less stressed today with some me time and checking items off my to do list today.
And I just love sharing how Mila’s growing with you all. If any activities help you as well, then it’s even better.
I hope you guys are keeping sane throughout this madness! As always, if you have any fun toddler activities, I’d love to hear and try them out!
The coronavirus was not rapidly spreading throughout the US and the world felt a little more normal. (By the way, Mila and I are doing okay here! We’re just staying at home and to ourselves.) Since I was on spring break from school, I thought it would be a nice weekend to getaway. After a little research, I settled on Louisville, Kentucky!
Not your average and usual spring break spot and maybe not the first place you’d think about taking your toddler, you know…the birthplace of bourbon. BUT it’s less than a five hour drive for me, there’s a TON of museums with a wide variety that anyone could enjoy, and GIANTS.
After booking the hotel room, packing up the car, and getting all the snacks for Mila and I, we headed out midday Friday.
Let me tell you, I was nervous for the drive to Louisville. Mila still really dislikes being in the car to the point where the only way she doesn’t cry is if it’s twenty minutes in the car OR I can use an iPad to distract her. Honestly, we only had to stop once on the way there. Disney+ and Pets 2 on Netflix (better known to Mila as ‘Dog, Cat, Baby’) really saved me with nap time.
We didn’t end up to the hotel (which was downtown, so easy to get to, and the staff was friendly) until like seven. If you don’t know anything about Louisville, just know almost everything closes at five. So, Mila and I ordered Chinese in and went swimming in the pool. Honestly, I think we could’ve went to any hotel with a pool and Mila would have been a happy camper.
The next morning, we sort of slept through breakfast… oops. The pool really tired her out. But, we woke up, got ready, and started our little adventure.
Kentucky Derby Museum
We started out at Churchill Downs, home of the Kentucky Derby. This wasn’t originally planned until I got to the hotel. I’m not a huge fan or horses (I literally call them land sharks), but Mila is really into animals. After looking at their website, I found that their museum was super interactive and we could see one of their horses too.
I let Mila wear her fancy dress and she had an absolute blast. There was so much there to learn for me, but even more to play with for her. She was obsessed with this game where you sat on a fake horse and did a virtual race. There were three horses that could race against each other and somehow all she had to do was sit there and she only didn’t come in first place once? It was really weird and funny. Maybe her yelling, ‘GO, GO, HORSE, GO!’ helped. We spent a good while there and I had to promise her there were more horses for her to see.
Honestly, Mila loved looking at the hats and outfits they had displayed, wanted to sit on every fake horse we saw, danced through their 360 movie, and was shocked when she saw their horse and pony. I am SO glad I decided to take her to this specific museum. She really loved stand I got to learn a few things too. We were there for about two hours, maybe a little more. It was definitely worth the price of the tickets for as much as we did, and we didn’t even do the included walking tour.
One of the big draws to go to Louisville was the giants at Bernheim. I don’t really remember how I found out about them, but they’re made from recycled materials and they’re really neat. The forest has a lot of walking paths, playgrounds, and information throughout. Mila loves being outside, so anytime I can incorporate that, I’m all for.
We actually went straight to the forest after being at Churchill Downs. Mila napped on the way down there and as I got changed to hike through a forest. I woke her up, got her changed, and we were so hungry. They have a little café called Isaac’s Café in the visitor center. A really cool fact is they grow their vegetables, herbs, and edible flowers a stones throw away. Everything tasted really fresh and Mila ate all of the sandwich.
Everyone who was in the forest and the people who worked in the visitor center were kind and helpful. Interacting with everyone there really made our time at Bernheim special. I would 100% recommend anyone who is visiting the Louisville area to check out the forest. As an adult, I know most people that way are going to the Bourbon Trail, but this is a good way to escape that. The giants were amazing to see in person and I loved the stories that went with them.
I know the giants won’t be around forever, so I’m glad we got to see them. If I had another day in Louisville, I would have spent the whole day there. Maybe another time!
To learn more information about Bernheim Arboretum and Research Forest, click here.
After a few hours, we went back to the hotel, and again, we were beat. We ended up napping and my mom and dad surprised us by meeting us in the city. When they got there, we, again, ordered in so we could spend some time in the pool.
The pool was probably the most fun of everything. Mila was singing and stomping her foot to make noises. She jumped in the pool… all by herself, after throwing the ball across the pool. It was scary, but she wanted to keep doing it. Summer should be a joy to try to keep her out of the pool.
I think everyone fell asleep pretty quick after the day Mila and I had AND after my mom and dad drove all day. We did wake up for breakfast the next morning, so score one for us.
Another big thing I wanted to take Mila to was the Louisville Zoo. We drove out there and were about to talk in when we realized a lot of people were leaving after the zoo was only open for forty minutes. A lot of the animals aren’t out because of the time of the year. Mila also fell asleep in the car on the way there. We made the executive decision not to even go to the zoo and change our plans…
Muhammad Ali Center
I had heard so many good things about the Ali Center and I knew there we interactive parts for Mila. Honestly, there was so much infomraiton. I learned a lot about Ali, historical racial issues in the US, and about boxing. All the exhibits let you be interactive and if Mila wasn’t so tired or if she was a little older, I think I could’ve spent a lot more time there. But with a tired, almost two year old, you do what you can.
We played a lot with their boxing area. There was a boxing ring, shadow boxing, and speed bag. I low key feel bad for how much time we spent there, but Mila was all for it. It was fun to like have little competitions between the three adults too.
By the time we got done playing, Mila seriously needed food and a nap. Again, I wish I had more time to go through, but again, I can always go back when Mila is older and she can appreciate the education too.
At this point in the trip, Mila and I had only been to one sit down restaurant and I hadn’t had any bourbon. I don’t drink frequently, but I really wanted bourbon since I was in Louisville. Anyways, after looking on Pinterest for child-friendly restaurants and something that was unique, I found the Troll Pub Under the Bridge.
Honestly, I LOVED this little pub. It’s aesthetic was perfect and the theme was spot on. The food was delicious. I got the burger with beer cheese and it was delicious. My dad got the chicken and waffle sandwich, that made me jealous I didn’t get it. The berry, bourbon drink I got was fantastic. Seriously, just an overall positive experience for me. Mila liked her food, but was a tiny bit afraid of the troll that she called ‘beast.’
If you’re Louisville definitely check Troll Pub Under the Bridge. Their website is here.
After going back and forth of whether we should leave or not, we walked around downtown for a little bit. Louisville is such a walkable city. We did notice all the home plates and bats commemorating different baseball players and the bats they used. I went back and forth of whether I should take Mila to the Louisville Slugger museum. Well, we thought what the heck and decided to go!
Louisville Slugger Museum
So I fibbed a little bit. We technically went to the museum and saw the biggest bat and glove there is in the world, but we didn’t go through the museum. I had a bat custom made for Mila. Of course it’s pink and mini and perfect for her to chase me around the house with. It only took around twenty minutes for it to be done. In that twenty minutes, Mila played a game of hide and seek without letting anyone know… Panic ensued. One minute she was in front of us and the next she was gone. My mom and I just like instantly searched the store, then my dad said something to let us know she was okay. She decided it’d be fun to hide in the clothes rack… not fun, but she was safe so I didn’t care.
Again, we didn’t go and see how the bats were actually made and this history of it. We did go to the batting cages and Mila played in their little area. We actually put Mila in their kids tball batting cage… she liked hitting, maybe needs to work on her aim. But it’ll all come together.
Louisville Slugger Museum (or what we saw) was a hit. Pun fully intended. I can imagine the full tour was informative and the building was beautiful.
If you’ve never been there, check out their website here.
Mila and I had such a blast exploring Louisville and were happy that my mom and dad could join along too. It was so nice to get out before the coronavirus hit. A mini vacation before our quarantine.
I can’t wait to start exploring with Mila more this summer and as she grows older no.
For now, I just keep looking back at pictures and am so thankful for everything in my life. In less than a month, Jensen will be four and Mila two. Through all the craziness, there is so much to be happy about.
This week Mila began a brand new adventure: gymnastics.
This is the first class environment Mila has been in. More importantly, it gives her the opportunity to be around other kids her age; something that I worry about her missing. When I found out a local gym had a mommy and me class, I knew she had to join.
Honestly, I didn’t thinks he’d have a problem. Mila is SO active; she’s constantly running and jumping. She’s also fearless, which definitely helps for when you have to literally jump and flip your body all the way over… althoughI knew that wasn’t going to happen in a toddler class. The class setting is a little scary with a toddler though. I didn’t know if she would listen or straight up tell her teacher no. She’s already started following directions (at her own discretion) and if she knows what you’re saying, she’ll do it or at least make an attempt.
I wasn’t afraid for her at all. The ‘mommy’ part of the mommy and me class made me a little nervous. When I was young, I pretty much failed out of gymnastics class. I’m terrified to go upside down, whether that be on my own, on a rollercoaster, or really anywhere else. I didn’t expect to be doing anything out of the box, but the flashbacks of being kicked out of class from when I was younger haunted me (can I put a laughing emoji in here?). Mostly, I didn’t want to hold her back by being afraid of her doing something and she sense it. Who know there were so many thoughts before the class even started?
Anyways, the big day came. Mila was EXCITED that she got to wear her ‘cute,’ pink leotard. We got to the gym and there was a lot to take in from first impressions, the actual class, and after…
1. Mila’s going to be able to do that?
As soon as we walked in, a bunch of ‘older’ girls (upper elementary aged) were running around and flipping. Mila’s eyes lit up and she wanted to go ‘play’ with them. Instantly, I knew she wasn’t going to be afraid AND I might have a little trouble keeping her containted.
2. Please be nice. Please be nice.
Again, a big reason I wanted Mila to be in this class is to be with kids around her age. Since it’s just her and I, all the attention is on her which is great, but I feel like she needs the other type of interaction.
So before class when the kids were mingling, all I could think was for her to be nice to the little boy and girls she would be with for the next few weeks. The little boy in class and her were beside each other. It’s always a toss up with what’s going to happen, but then they gave each other a big hug. Such a sigh of relief.
3. IT’S GO TIME!
4. I have to keep her on this little square… for how long?
During the first part of the class, the kids have to stretch out and there they learn different stances and things. Well, they’re supposed to stay on this little letter square and wait for their turn or instruction. Mila was antsy and wanting to run, so it was a struggle to keep her occupied in this section. BUT we did it!
5. When did Mila get this strong?
So a lot of gymnastics is upper body strength, even in the toddler class. They had to do little pushups and learn how to push themselves up on a lot of things. I was shocked of how much strength she had. It didn’t seem to phase her… I think that’s a good thing.
6. Oops, sorry. Watch out. Mila doesn’t know how to wait for anyone.
Our class was instructed to run in a circle. Instead of jogging behind the little girl in front of us, Mila just took off and dragged me behind her. We passed the mom and girl duo as Mila kept yelling, ‘go, go, go!’
7. Jump, jump, jump.
8. I have to help her do what?
The majority of class was split in stations. I, who knows nothing about gymnastics, did my best to help Mila with all of them. We started practicing somersaults, how to jump off the spring, and getting on the bar. All I could think about was how unqualified I was to be helping her do this. I just kept thinking how I didn’t want her to get hurt with the somersault. We figured everything else out as we went along. Maybe not qualified as a professional, but as a mom I made it work.
9. Nostalgia at its finest.
Near the end, I felt most confident with one part: the parachute. We all spread apart and made it go up and down. Mila had fun thinking she was directing everyone with what to do. We then had to run under it to go to the other side… Mila didn’t make it through the first time, but got the hang of it the second time. She loved this part as much as I did!
10. Phew, that was a quick half hour!
After getting a stamp on her hand for doing such a good job, it was time to pack up and leave. It went so quick. I’m not sure who got a better work out… Mila or I? We had a blast and are so excited to go again next week!
Welcome back to another edition of Weird Things Mila Does! To be completely honest, I think all toddlers are a little weird. It would take me hours to list everything out of the ordinary Mila does… and who has time for that?
So, Mila loves dogs. She loves playing with Max and my parents’ dogs. We watch Pets, Benji, and Bolt constantly (with Beauty and the Beast and Coco too). If there’s a dog out while we walk or anywhere she can get to, she’ll dart for it. We also have an undisclosed amount of dog stuffed animals around the house too.
All of this, fairly normal. But Mila… well, she has to take it to the next level. Most days, Mila pretend she’s a dog. She’ll lay in Max’s crate and dog bed. She tries to steal his food and dog treats. When one of the cats are inside, she barks and chases them.
Honestly, it’s pretty comical. I was happy that she was using her imagination, but now she’s roped me into it.
She took off a chain from one of my purses so I can ‘walk’ her around the house…
At first I didn’t want to do it, but she insisted. Every morning she brings me her ‘leash’ to do our loop around the house. I swear if anyone looks in my windows they’d have to wonder what was going on.
I thought, as long as it makes her happy it’s okay!
The leash thing was weird, but then today, she stole Max’s collar. I’m unsure how she took it off of him, but it now is nestled around her neck and she refuses to take it off.
Notice the dog pajamas too…
I guess this is just life with Mila and all the weird things she does.
This is us. Right now. It’s 5:30 on a random Thursday night in February.
Yesterday, I planned on having her in bed early tonight to get school and house work done. Today, those plans were thrown out the window by a headstrong toddler and her canine companion.
To tire her out today we: ran, painted, danced, wiped cabinets down, folded laundry, put away her clothes, practiced Max’s commands, brushed each other’s hair, destroyed the house, and much, much more. I pulled out all the tricks get her to nap early, but she fought it. After I realized she wasn’t napping, I tried keeping her up. Which she ended up falling asleep standing up/leaning on me.
I gave in.
She’s asleep and bedtime was just in sight. Somedays it feels like I’m rocking motherhood and others just feels like a little pause in the rocking. I feel like maybe I’m just being hard on myself.
After realizing I’m probably not going to be able to do what I wanted, I’ve sat here and thought about Mila’s point of view. Today she got to play all day with her mom and dog. She ate her favorite foods, even cookies in the middle of the day. New music filled the house and with that we danced and laughed. And she ran and giggled and had no cares in the world. She was just herself, living in the moment, not caring what time it was or if she skipped a nap, or if bedtime was soon either. When she finally was tired, she went to the safest place she knew.
I wish I could live more like Mila somedays.
Forget about all the things that should be done. Forget how things should look. Forget about time. Forget everything besides being happy.
So with her hand still holding my pinky, I’m taking in this moment of calm and being her place of comfort. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being surprised with how much her and her brother have taught me about life and living. And tonight… after she wakes up, I’ll live like a toddler with no rules. We’ll eat ice cream and watch ‘Beast’ (Beauty and the Beast). I’ll remember what all toddlers can teach us and that she won’t be this little for much longer.
Without lots of pressure from me, Mila has finally decided to start using the potty!
After a few months of her yelling NO anytime I mentioned using the potty, she finally told me she needed to pee. Then ran to get her potty and went.
After she showed me that she went, we did a dance, high-five’d, and said yay about a thousand times! She’s so proud of herself, and I’m so proud of her! Hopefully she keeps it up and within a few weeks we’ll be done with diapers.
The last time we really tried potty training was last summer; she’d rip her diaper off and go. She had zero interest in sitting, but it did bring a lot of funny moments. Hopefully this go she’ll just keep her momentum, plus have a few laughs here and there too.
I’ll just be over here celebrating her potty journey (aka poop and pee) with her. Parenting is so weird.
I still screenshot every time I see 11:11 pop up on my phone.
After almost FOUR years, it’s still Jensen’s way of saying hello; amongst many others. I take that moment and just look at his face and tap it to my own. It might not be every day, twice a day this time jumps out at me, but it is most of them. I imagine he’s right next to me and I feel a sense calm fall over me.
When I look through the screenshots on my phone, a good amount of them are of Jensen with 11:11 over his head. Four years of screenshots and countless minutes that were just him and I even after he’s been gone.
Recently, I saw an Instagram post from another loss mom that described how it was hard to write about their child now than it was when it was still so raw. I found myself agreeing with everything she said. During that first year and a half, words flowed so easily. I tried my best to put what I was feeling into words and it helped. It helped me heal and remember Jensen in the best way I could.
Since Mila’s been born, it has been hard to write. She fills my day and each time I think I get a minute to write, she either wakes up or finds my laptop extremely interesting to inspect. The words seem to still come to me but get stuck in my head. They jumble up, and when I go to actually get them out, they stop flowing like before.
It’s so hard being without him. Even when it feels like Mila and I are doing good, I know he’s missing. He’ll always be missing and that fact will always make my little family feel incomplete.
I wish I could finish those blog posts that I’ve tried so many times to write. About when I found the notes to Jensen and me from his baby shower or how I already feel the weight of my grief crashing down as April draws nearer.
I really can’t believe he’s going to be four. Just knowing how much I’ve missed out on all things Jensen for four years. I wish I knew his likes and what movie he’d have Mila and me watching 800 times. I wish I could see him be a big brother for Mila and play all day, every day with her. I wish I could hold him tight and never let him go.
Gosh, I miss him.
Anytime I hear Usher, I think of Jensen’s movements. I think of seeing him on the ultrasound screen and watching him cover his face when the wand was over him for too long. I think about this time four years ago about how excited I was to meet him, wondering what kind of mom I was going to be. Now it feels like I’m always waiting for those moments I thought I was going to get with him.
In some ways, I think he still gives me the moments I needed. That’s why I have hundreds of screenshots of 11:11 and the feeling of him giving me an Eskimo kiss during that minute.
One of my top priorities in raising Mila is to make sure she becomes a decent human.
I always tell her please and thank you so she can catch on and do the same. When she does something ‘wrong,’ I explain what could happen and tell her other ways to do something. If she spills something, I have her help me clean up. When she plays with Max or other kids, I encourage her to share. I do my best to try and model the behavior I want her to pick up.
Most days, I worry I’m not doing good enough. She only has me to look up to at home and I’m no where near perfect. I can lose my patience and need a minute to just sit with my thoughts. There are times I raise my voice, then go to her to give the biggest hug and tell her I’m sorry.
I’m a human and I know none of us are perfect, so I’m aiming to be decent and for her to grow up the same.
Mila is nearing TWO! Crazy, right? She’s full force in all things toddler and sometimes I wonder if anything I’m trying to teach her is sticking. Either way, I wanted to celebrate her and my love for her on Valentine’s Day. I got her all the chocolate, a book, flowers, and a HUGE unicorn. She was ecstatic and loved everything.
All she kept saying was OOOHHHH with the most amazing smile. When she realized I was going to let her eat a piece of chocolate before breakfast (gasp), she quickly asked me to unwrap one.
Instead of digging into it, she grabbed another piece.
You haven’t even ate the first piece, Mila. You don’t need two!
Then, as if she was confused why I said anything, she held out the piece of chocolate to me.
Two little words melted my heart. So, I unwrapped a piece for me and took a bite. After she saw me take a bite, she smiled and took a big one herself.
That was the moment I realized everything’s going to be okay. All my fears of not doing good enough for her or not being all she needs went away. She has no idea how much her words and actions affect me. And I don’t give myself enough credit for what mine do for her.
As much as I wanted to leave this on a heartwarming note… I had to show you Mila’s latest reaction to certain “smelly” things. She always knows how to make those around her laugh and smile.