I’ve tried to write and share this post countless of times. My anxiety, PTSD, and depression have kept me from saying anything before, but, I’ve come to a point where I feel it’s necessary to share to help my grief and what’s happening in my life right now.
For the past twenty-seven weeks, I’ve been keeping a secret from everyone…
Yes, you’re seeing that right. I am twenty-seven weeks pregnant, exactly, today. The past so many months have been mixed with mourning my miscarriage, living without Jensen, and trying to feel some sort of excitement for this little baby. I’m doing my very best, but it is so hard. There have been many things that have happened in this time where I’ve wanted to share, but have bit my tongue. As I’m getting closer, I feel as if I need an outlet to say what’s going on in my mind. Especially to other moms who have lost a child, moms who have lived through pregnancy after loss, and every other mom I know.
Although I don’t want to overload everyone with information so quickly, I wanted to share a little about the baby. SHE is a girl and I’ve known since around November to start buying pink. All of her ultrasounds have come back beautifully. The only ‘abnormality’ is her single umbilical artery, which is an isolated incident. She has been seen by my regular OB and the high risk doctors, which they are all ecstatic by her growth and how she’s doing. I’ve had nothing but positive appointments, which as you know, is a stark difference from my past.
She has a name that I will share eventually, just not at this second.
Her due date is three days behind Jensen’s, hello PTSD and reliving each milestone almost exactly the same days. She will probably be delivered around 37-38 weeks, depending on what’s happening then… Jensen was born on 38 weeks and 2 days… you can do that math.
I am happy and so thankful for her. She hears Jensen’s name multiple times a day and I feel his presence close by. I’m scared the same thing will happen again and it has seriously affected my depression, but I’m doing all I can to smile and enjoy everyday that I’ve spent with her so far.
This is an exciting and stressful time for me. I also know how triggering it is to see pregnancy announcements and hearing about other people’s pregnancy journeys. Any time I talk about her on this blog will have a trigger warning picture. I don’t plan on giving weekly updates or things like that, but I do want to talk about how this pregnancy is intertwining with my journey of loss and love.