One year ago, I wrote a letter that brought a lot of things to light. I’m pretty sure everyone remembers that one, right?
When I got the notification this morning that the post was a year old, I laughed out loud, and then I reread it.
“You’ll forget about them in six months.”
Out of anything ever said about the situation, the thought that Mila would ever be unforgettable is still the one that gets me. Guess what, that was wrong. It’s been another year of… this. I don’t know about you, but there isn’t a word that quite captures it. Let’s try: back and forth, yo-yo, shit. Forgettable… nope. Not in any of the parts.
I remember being upset. Mila had just turned a year old and it felt like she had this whole side of her she’d never know. For some reason, it made me sad. I have a great relationship with both my parents and my whole family actually. So to think Mila wouldn’t, made me sad and it is sad that a group of people have completely acted like she doesn’t exist. Bravo on not being about to care even a little bit about her.
The last year, I’ve been more… vocal. I’ve done things that haven’t been ‘savory’ and honestly I’ve not regretted those things. There’s not a ton in my life I do regret, but one of those things is seeing the good in Adrian.
Always saw the good because there’s been more good times than bad. Do the bad’s stick out the most? Absolutely. But I always went back with rose colored glasses.
You guys only see the bad in me, I get it. The bad times bring everything to the surface. I help uncover the horrible things that are constantly right under your noses. No one would like that. The truth hurts, a lot.
It hurt a lot this morning too. Reading what I wrote before and knowing the place I was in and have been in on and off the last year… it’s rough.
Another whole year of nothing. No birthday or holiday wishes for Mila. No asking how she is. No caring how these actions could potentially impact a child. All this time, I’ve seen it as a negative. Until this morning. Of course, while I was reading the past letter to you and thinking of all the hard and bad things he’s put Mila and me through, it was negative. Then, I felt free.
I felt the freedom for Mila and myself knowing my life isn’t going to be affected by the storm you’re going to go through. I felt freedom knowing Mila will never, ever be away from me. Freedom from the fears I had before about her being treated badly if she’d ever be there is gone. I felt freedom from every type of abuse she’d have to encounter with him as her dad. Freedom from the years of emotional abuse I’ve been through. I felt freedom to let go of it all.
Everything I felt trapped by is gone now.
The words that originally hurt me before have given me a new light today. You’re absolutely right, people can forget about someone in six months. They can have a completely different outlook on life, look what’s happened in three. Everything that is coming in the next coming months, shouldn’t be a surprise.
To those who have never deserved her, you never will. You don’t deserve to know anything about her or her life. It’s finally hit me, you never have, even in the very beginning before all the hurt. You don’t deserve her and you don’t deserve my peace anymore.