I can’t explain how important self care is at least once a week.
By the end of the week, I usually can feel my body and mind aching for a little me time. Just a few moments of not being a mom or any of my roles. Five minutes of just being me.
I was able to write another poem and knew I needed to share it here.
even when things pull you apart, it’s just the time to show heart.
you can do all hard things, no matter what life brings.
just keep growing.
Throughout life, there’s always times where it feels constant. You might feel like different responsibilities are ripping you apart. Before letting it tear you down, center yourself. Realize how powerful you are. All you have to do is keep growing and going.
After filling out my planner this week, my thoughts were running; which isn’t the goal for that activity. It was nice to be able to take a few minutes and just paint.
I love plants. They remind me we can grow through any conditions, but when we try to give them what they need, they thrive. Humans aren’t too different from plants in that aspect. I see my plants that are slow growing right now, even during spring. They remind me of myself and getting through these last two weeks of school.
Soon, I’ll be thriving. I need to just keep growing.
April is not an easy month for me and this year feels extra difficult too. On top of my intense grief with Jensen’s birthday only four days away, I’m drowning in my last semester of school, work, and Mila’s birthday too. It’s a dangerous combination. Breakdown probably imploding soon.
Through it all, I’m trying to remain positive, even when it feels really hard.
This morning, I didn’t know if I was going to blog today. Instead, I took the morning easy and painted with Mila. Since it’s National Poetry Month, I thought it’d be fun to write a poem too.
My plan is to write a poem a day, whether I share it or not. It challenges me to think inward and be expressive. In a month where I don’t have a ton of time to self reflect or do a lot of self care, this will be my time.
For the first one, I thought it’d be poetic to write one about April.
April. you hold so much of my heart, i don’t know where to start. you’ve brought me life and death, promise you won’t take my breath. your sun shines so hot, my son comes through forget-me-nots. you have flowers grow all around, while my daughter runs all around. you always tempt me to love you, and one day that’ll be true.
It may not be the best poem around, but I think it perfectly describes this month for me.
Here’s what’s coming up for the rest of the month. Again, it’s going to be really busy here, but I’ll be around… promise.
April 4 – Easter & Family Pictures
April 5 – Jensen turns FIVE!
Mila’s Birthday Party
April 14 – Mila turns THREE!
April 22 – Earth Day
April 27 – Last day of this semester.
When it’s listed out like that, it doesn’t seem like so much. Yet, behind every single one of those is a lot of emotions and time. So, I’ll be just a bit busy.
Let me know if I should share my daily poems. Maybe I’ll paint too!
Moms know what this means. We had a long weekend so all the clothes in the house were to be folded. Extra cleaning was to be done too. The chore list doesn’t just do itself. It was all supposed to be neat and tidy for the week ahead.
Even though it was supposed to happen, it didn’t.
All the clothes are still waiting to be folded. The floors are swept and the house is somewhat tidy, but not to the level it could have been.
Instead, I focused on the hardest job: being a mom.
Mila and I played outside most of time. We went to get dinner at a food truck and made new friends. When the weather was it’s nicest, we went on a hike. She made me wear silly headbands, pretending to be a pirate. I played along with all that she asked. At night, we cuddled and watched movies. I listened when she needed to be heard. She showed me her new superhero power. We did what we needed to as a family.
Even though there’s a to do list full of chores, it didn’t seem so important in the moment.
At this time next month four turns to five and two turns to three. Time is continuing on, even when I want to hit pause.
I’ll always think about the should be’s, the moments I missed, and the extra laundry too. The Jensen-size-hole in my heart is just aching a little more. It reminds me of the choices I make on weekends like these.
He reminds me of moments and why I soak them up with her. Things around the house will stay, but she’ll continue growing. I don’t want to miss any more.
So, if you ask how my laundry weekend went just know…
All the laundry that was supposed to be folded will always be there. These moments won’t.
To say I wasn’t prepared for Mila’s new and unwritten milestone would be a complete understatement. Not only did it come out of no where, it completely took me off guard.
Usually, Wednesdays are to tell you all about their weird things Mila does. It’s one of the things I look forward to sharing most about. They make me laugh to think about and I know other parents can connect to them too. I’m pretty sure all our kids are somewhat weird.
Anyways, I couldn’t even call what she did yesterday weird. It was more like… touching, heartwarming, and inspiring.
She absolutely made my heart grow with one little sentence.
Here’s what happened.
As I was leaving to go back to work after lunch, Mila did her normal goodbye routine. She has to give whoever a hug and kiss, at least two times. Then tells them she loves them and to have a good day. Just when you’re about to walk out the door, she’ll yell, “I need a hug and kiss!” Then run up to you.
Well, this lunch period was a little different. She ended up walking me out of the house, instead of watching me go. When I bent down to give her a hug and kiss, she said something new. Something no one prepared me about: the unwritten milestone.
You’re the best, Mom.
She has never, ever said that before; especially when I’m about to leave her for a few hours.
As she said it to me, she gave me a big squeeze. Then, she flashed her smile and walked back to the door. She waved and told me to have a good day.
In that big moment, I had to take a deep breath and get back to real life.
On the inside, I melted. I swear if it was any other time, I probably would have cried. With all the leaving her lately, I wonder how she thinks of me. That statement let me know everything I was doing was right.
It might sound silly to cherish this one unwritten rule, but no one told me what that one little saying would feel like when they said it.
There’s a high chance I’m not the best mom in the entire world, but I’m the best mom to MIla and that feels pretty good. One day she’ll learn the power in her words and how I’ll always think she’s the best girl.
For now, I’m celebrating this victory in motherhood and the unwritten milestone.
Yes. You’re going to change the world. You are powerful.
No matter where life takes you, there are so many opportunities at your fingertips. It doesn’t matter who you want to become or what you want to be. You have the ability to do what you want.
In a world that I’m not so certain of, I am certain of your value and worth. We live in a time where girls can grow up and not be looked down on just because they’re women. Women are superheroes. You, my small, little woman, are a superhero.
As you grow up, I’ll never pressure you to do anything you don’t want. I will, though, show you how much women have overcome throughout the history of the world. It’s important to know that growth. Better yet, to help you realize your strength and importance in the world.
You independent and intelligence is going to get you everything you’ll ever want. When those don’t seem enough (and believe me they are), you have the support of women everywhere.
I don’t know what the world will be like when you’re in your twenties, but I hope it keeps evolving.
It’s my dream that you’ll have a society where there’s equality and justice. I don’t want to ever worry about someone ever hurting you and then getting away with it. I hope there won’t be any threat to your right to choose what you to with your body.
Mila, you’ve been born into a generation full of power and opportunity.
I’m so excited to see you grow into whoever you’ll be. Always know, you’ll have your mom’s support. No matter if you end up becoming a dance teacher or a world leader.
I had another post planned for today, but I wanted to write this out before it got lost in the others.
My house and I have had an up and down relationship. Yes, you read that right. The house I live in is sort of it’s own… entity. I’ve had a lot of spooky things that have happened throughout the years I’ve lived there.
In 2019, the house got so bad that I had to get it blessed. Honestly, it was a really scary time to live at my house. I considered moving, but wanted to try everything to stay there. Since then, it’s slowed down a lot. But, there are days, like this morning, that bring back that eerie feeling.
Back to this morning.
All night, I was in a deep sleep with really vivid dreams. So, when I woke up before my alarm, I was a little drowsy.
I opened my eyes and it looked like my living room light was on. Then I heard two things. The first was Max breathing and sounding like he was getting pet. Remember, he gets excited and when he gets attention, he sounds different (that sounds strange, but animal owners will understand). Then there was this squeaking. I thought it sounded like Mila’s one dump truck toy, but I had picked up the toys last night. So she must have found it and started playing with it again…
It’s not unlike her to get up and play with Max in the morning. She can reach the lights and knows where her toys are stored. I relaxed thinking it was just her.
Until, I felt someone move in bed beside me.
I turned my head to see Mila in a deep sleep. So, it wasn’t Mila out in the living room playing with Max and her truck.
After that realization, I involuntarily let out a sigh.
The truck stopped squeaking and a few seconds later, Max got up and ran into my room. I was afraid someone had heard me wake up and left, but I didn’t hear any footsteps or the door open.
Instead of getting up, I just laid there for a few minutes more.
There was no way Max could get the truck out of the bin and how could he make that squeaking sound. Maybe that sound was just in my head. I had been dreaming all night. It had to be explainable because my house has been so calm.
Before I got out of bed, I told myself that the truck was put away and I was psyching myself out.
When I walked into the living room, her yellow truck was flipped on its side. Just like it had been played with and put back down. Cold chills instantly went all over my body.
I know not everyone’s a believer, but it felt like there was someone in my house or Mila was playing out there. It’s the strangest feeling to not know what happened out there, but I know the toy was being played with and Max was getting attention.
No matter what anyone things, it definitely had to be a spirit or ghost. I didn’t feel threatened. It literally felt like a child was in my living room waiting on me.
Let’s just say, I’ll be burning sage in my house later tonight.
Three nights ago, I had a scary incident. I still have the bruises on my arms to remind me what happened.
Since it’s happened, I’ve been unsure if it’s a loss mom thing or a general parent worry. Either way, I wanted to share it with everyone who reads this little blog because you’ve followed my family’s story this far.
So, I have a barn door for my bedroom door. The doorway is in between my bedroom and living room. My mom and I built it and it’s pretty heavy and sturdy. It’s fallen off the tracks a few times, mostly when I’ve been messing around with it and no little living thing is in the way.
The other night, Mila and I got home later than normal. Max was super excited to see us. As I’ve stated before, he can get a little hyper.
I fed Max and gave him a bone to calm down. Afterwards Mila and I walked into my bedroom and I didn’t latch open the sliding door. Max figured out we weren’t in the living room anymore and took off to my room.
While he was running, the door was shutting. Mila was going toddler speed and was only a few steps in front of the door when it happened.
Everything that happened next was in slow motion.
Max tore through the door and knocked it off the track. I saw it pop off and lift up. Then it started to tilt.
I yelled for Mila to move. All my anxiety could just imagine the door smashing into her.
Of course, she was frozen because she didn’t know why I was yelling. The dog looked scared… probably because it hurt a lot and he knew I was upset.
As it falls more slowly and everyone’s still froze, I had to jump into action. When I took that first step, time caught back up.
I threw my arms under the heavy door as it neared Mila. Somehow I kicked her to safety too.
The door landed on my wrists and forearms. There’s cuts and bruises, but nothing I can’t handle. Mila was upset and the dog was too, but everyone was safe.
After it all happened, I just kept thinking of what could have happened.
Whatif I was in the laundry room and didn’t see it happen?
What if I didn’t catch it in time?
How serious would it have been?
Would she have gotten badly hurt?
What can I do tomake this safer?
Even though everything turned out ‘okay,’ all those questions scare me. I don’t know what I would have done if she had gotten hurt.
I think after losing a child, the thought of losing another is always right there.
Anxiety is always in me. When I’m not with Mila, it skyrockets because I can’t be there to save or help her. It’s exhausting to always keep worrying and thinking of the bad.
These cuts and bruises on me remind me that she is safe and I’m doing my best.
I’m never going to be able to protect her from everything; I’m just learning how to manage that.
Do you overthink situations like this? Or can you just put it in the past?