Tag Archives: love

I had a reiki session and this is what it was like.

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In efforts to really think about self care this year, I tried a reiki session.

I’ve wanted to try reiki for a few years. The first time I ever heard about them was right after Jensen was born. It was that thing where I wanted to try anything to maybe make me feel better.

Although I didn’t do it then, I still remained interested.

Reiki is about your body’s energy. Your chakras, or energy hubs, can be blocked. There’s seven of them and they each correlate with your physical, emotional, and mental health.

It’s really interesting to read about. If you want more information on the chakras or just some general tidbits, look here.

Anyways, on Instagram I saw that one of my friend Kiersten from Eclectic Serenity offered reiki sessions. I instantly messaged her about it. She also has amazing face products and macrame hangings too!

It felt like I needed to do this for me now, but also to honor my early grief. So we set something up.

I would like to say, I went into reiki completely open to what was going to happen. Instead of going in for a specific reason, I just wanted to see what my body was going through.

The day of, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was actually really excited.

Kiersten’s reiki room was so relaxing. There meditation music, oils going, and it was warm. Perfect for relaxing and really getting out of your head.

Without going crazy into detail, reiki is set up like an energy massage. It’s the same feeling as going into a massage but you lay on your back, clothes are on, and you’re not physically being touched; except for light touches.

I had a weighted eye covering over my eyes and just tried to shut my mind off. For the first ten minutes, I feel like I was trying to relax.

Then, all of the sudden, I was under. I was still conscience and aware, but I was feeling weird things.

There were times it felt like energy was going through me. It kind of felt like how a copier scans a paper. Other times it felt like there was a string being tugged from my core.

It was wild

I will say, everyone has a different experience in what they feel and which of their chakras are closed.

When Kiersten was working on my left side, I had a strange feeling. It almost felt as if I was either under water and couldn’t get back up. Or like there was huge stones on my chest. So, at times it felt hard to breathe. Honestly, I knew I was safe, but it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

Then, on my right side, I almost felt like I was floating or really light. Both sides, I was tingly though.

The session was an hour and when she was done, I felt like I was waking up from a deep sleep or getting done with a massage. My body felt heavy and I needed water.

I found out I had two chakras blocked. She gave me the information about it. It correlated a lot to what was going on in my life.

Some instant changes I felt in my body were my thoughts weren’t racing and my head didn’t feel full. My anxiety causes those things to happen, so it being clear made me feel like a new person.

One other thing that happened was the next morning I threw up. TMI and gross warning ahead… it wasn’t like food, but almost like brown stuff. When I asked Kiersten about it, she said it was normal and my body was releasing the toxins in my chakra’s blockage.

Since reiki, I’ve honestly felt a lot better. My head doesn’t feel as full as normally and I haven’t gotten a ton of headaches.

I will 100% go and do it again.

Emotional and spiritual health is just as important and mental and physical health. My first round of reiki made me feel better and I want to keep it up.

So, that’s my reiki experience! Self care is so important and it’s nice to find something else to add to my routine.

If you’re local to me, definitely check out Eclectic Serenity on Facebook and/or Instagram. Non local friends, you should definitely see if there is reiki services near you.

I hope you all can add a little self care in your day today. Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever tried reiki before.

Mom Tip of the Week: Dress Up

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I had a lot of things planned for Mila and I to do today. Of course, she had an agenda of her own when we woke up.

She ran straight to her closet and picked out a dress. Not unusual if you know Mila, but…

This is the dress she chose. Today she is Princess Mila.

I brushed her hair all out and put her in a little ‘crown.’ We found the most perfect princess shoes. Then, we put it all together and she wanted to take pictures with her ‘beast.’

So, we did just that.

My biggest tips for moms is things don’t go exactly as planned. Just try to roll with it.

It might not be what you wanted, but these unexpected moments can be just as wonderful. You never know when you’ll have the beauty and a beast in your house. Or a fire fighter, police officer, chef, or dance teacher.

Embrace these moments. They go too quick.

What’s your child been pretending they are lately?

Goodbye Kisses.

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One of the toughest things I face as a single mom is wondering if Mila has enough love.

It’s hard being away from her during the days, but I have to be to give her the life she deserves. When we’re together, we play, read stories, and create. I tell her I love her every chance I get and she does the same.

We’re happy in our own little world.

But, it’s the days I have to go away. I question if she forgets about all our fun. There are some times I wonder if the love I instill in her stays. Or if she’s just made at me when I’m gone.

A few nights ago, I realized I shouldn’t put any thought into those fears.

I picked her up one afternoon after school. She sat in the car as my mom told her goodbye. As usual, she asked for a hundred goodbye hugs and kisses. Then kept saying bye. As my mom walked away, then started the goodbye kisses.

She blew them and for awhile they were reciprocated. Mom had to go back inside, but Mila did something that made me smile.

As the door shut and we backed out of the driveway, I saw her continue blowing goodbye kisses.

Between each kiss, she yelled, “goodbye! I love you!.”

She didn’t stop when we backed out. Or when we went down the street. Or even parked in our driveway. Outside our door, she kept saying goodbye and how much she loved her Gigi.

That’s when I realized, Mila has all the love in the world. She knows what love feels like and how to feel it towards others.

All those worries about if I’m doing good enough ease.

The next morning, when it’s hard to go away again. I see her goodbye kisses in action. It made leaving a little easier.

Because, I know those goodbye kisses never end and that love travels where ever we go.

Mom Fail: Fall Edition

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My literal top of the world for this story.

Sometimes you feel like you’re close to the top of the world. Just when you’re right at the top, you come tumbling down.

That was metaphoric, but yesterday that’s sort of what literally happened.

With a day off and a long to do list, I was running all over the place. I worked, planned a lot of things, and wanted to take pictures for my plant page. The latter is what got me.

There was something missing for my picture, but it was on the shelf over my bed. I had just grabbed a few things off of there and didn’t even think twice about doing it again. So, off I went.

When I stepped up, I put my foot between the bed frame and the mattress. Then, I lifted my other foot up…

Obviously my footing wasn’t as good as I thought.

I fell, heard a crack, and then felt pain and numbness all throughout my ankle and foot.

Mila witnessed it all and I felt so awful. I got my phone and told her to call Gigi (my mom) because I I needed help. She did so amazing.

After evaluating it and not being sure if it was broken, I went to the ER.

Four hours and a few X-rays later, I found out there was, thankfully, nothing broken. I did tear some ligaments though.

It hurts so bad to walk. I’m stuck on the couch today with ice and two amazing nurses. They’re not professionally trained, but they know where the snacks are and love to help.

My mom fail this week was literally the fall, but also thinking everything needed done in twenty-four hours. It was a painfully, humble reminder not to overwork myself.

To every mom who feels like she’s failing, you’re doing the best you can.

Toddler Activity – M&M’s and Diversity.

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Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

To honor that, I wanted to have another diversity talk with Mila. I figured to keep her full attention, I’d use her biggest motivation: m&ms. The girl loves them and always sneaks them. I guess I can’t blame her for that.

Anyways, m&m’s are a perfect way to showcase different skin colors, but we’re all human on the inside.

I lined her m&m’s up and asked her what colors they were. She told me all of the colors and I mentioned how all of them were all different. I talked about how people all have different skin colors too.

Then, I asked her if she would be sad if I told her she couldn’t have certain colors of m&ms. Of course she was. She told me she liked them all.

With that, I told her in the past, boys and girls who were black weren’t allowed to play with boys and girls with white skin. She seemed upset by this. Yet, i explained that some people judge others by their skin color.

Without giving her much more thought, I cut an m&m in half.

She seemed a little shocked, but I asked her if she thought the other m&ms looked the same on the inside. With a quick nod of her head, she pointed to another one and I sliced it in half too. It may be aggressive, but she liked it.

I told her that even thought people look different on the outside, we’re all humans on the inside. We have differences, but we still have the same emotions too.

Of course, as she gets older, these conversations will get more complex.

I’ll never claim to know what racism is like to experience. The only thinks i can do is teach my daughter to see people’s differences, but love them for their character.

Kids will change the world, but it starts with teaching them about diversity, even with m&ms.

Here’s some videos about Martin Luther King Jr. that Mila enjoyed this morning:

Full of You.

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This morning was full of you.

It was so early, that I felt like I was the only person awake in the whole entire world. I didn’t feel alone though. You were with me. I felt your presence all around my body and inside my mind.

Some days I miss you more than any thing else. Those days, my grief runs deeply. It’s hard to have your child, that you love so much, be gone for so long. Other days your energy shines so bright. It’s like you’re not physically here with us, but your love and light is. Whether it’s while Mila plays, when we light your candle, or mornings like these, you’re always with us.

I drank hot tea from your ‘J’ cup. It warmed me and helped the calmness you bring spread throughout.

As I sit here, that warmth feels like you’re hugging me.

Even almost five years into this grief journey, I ache for everything I missed with you: your deep breathing while you slept, the look in your eyes when you saw me, and the sound of your voice. That’s the funny thing about grief. It doesn’t matter how far you’re out, it’s always right there.

In the calmness of the world and in myself, I can imagine all the things I wish I knew of you. It’s not the real thing, but it’s all we have.

I love you and miss you. I’m so thankful for this morning, full of you.

Toddler Activity – MLK Day Artwork

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With Martin Luther King Jr day quickly approaching, I knew I wanted to do an activity with Mila.

Plus, I thought it’d be fun to share beforehand in case you have your child home from school and want to do a productive activity with them.

Mila and I talk about race a lot. It’s important to me that she grows up anti-racist, especially in the world we live in now. It’s never too early to start those conversations. She has black barbies and dolls, books with diverse characters, and watches shows with people of all races.

Still, talking about MLK with her was a must. During this activity, I mentioned his name and talked about how people have different skin color. We also talked about how she would play with anyone, no matter what they looked like. She seemed shocked when I told her some people don’t like others because of the color of their skin.

Back to the project though!

This is an easy art project that actually took less than five minutes. The conversation we had before, during, and after spanned beyond that though.

Things you’ll need:

I started off by asking Mila what she thought her skin tone was between the three colors. She chose the middle color which was called “Territorial Beige.” It was interesting to see her perception of her skin tone.

This shade went in the middle because I wanted an ombre affect. Of course, you can do whatever color sequence you want.

I took a paint brush and painted her hand. Then we pressed it on the canvas. When pressing their hands down, make sure to get all of their fingers too. If not, it’ll be really faint. Finally, I cleaned her hand off and did the process two more times.

That part really is that easy.

After her handprints, or she calls them paw prints, dried, it’s time for the words. I ended up painting the phrase, “small hands change the world.’

You can use any quote or phrase here. There are a ton of MLK quotes that would work perfectly.

I have some more ideas to do for Black History Month that I want to share. They’ll be posted in the second half of the month. I have a few special activities for Valentine’s Day that I know you’ll love just as much!

If you like this activity or try it, let me know in the comments!

Un-talked About Nights.

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This is the side of motherhood that doesn’t get talked about a lot.

The times where it’s 2am and there’s been an accident. Instead of getting mad at your child who’s already upset, you choose to do the harder thing.

You strip the bed, get it cleaned up, and then take every clean blanket to the living room.

They’re still crying. It’s disappointing and when you’re almost three, you have big emotions. A single accident feels world shattering, but it’s not.

It’s the decision to sleep in another bed or, in our case, make a huge, blanket sleep space in the middle of the floor. You tell them it’s much more fun to have a sleepover in the living room anyways.

Then, you calm them and help get them back to sleep.

No. It’s not the night you wanted. I mean, who wants to sleep on the floor? But just because it was a physically messy accident, doesn’t mean it needs to be emotionally messy too.

Parenting is hard. Parenting with lack of sleep is even harder.

These nights are not in the greatest hits moments. Yet, something tells me these un-talked about nights have lasting effects.

The Night the World Changed

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The rhythmic beeping of the hospital machines kept the rush of the room grounded in one place. There are people surrounding me. All the faces I love keep looking at me, but none of their comforting smiles are here. The nurses and doctors have solemn looks on their faces. Their mouths are moving, but I can’t hear what they are saying.

I can’t move and the light above me is blinding. All my body feels numb except the pressure in my belly. It is time and I am terrified.

There is only one option that I have and it’s the not one I ever wanted to choose. Reality is coming back to me. Everyone’s voices are becoming clearer and the beeping isn’t the only thing I can hear. My doctor, the one I’ve been seeing for over six months now, is telling me to breathe and to push. I remember the classes, but they never told me this would be an option. How can I keep going when I don’t know what’s going to happen next?

My body is more in control now than my mind. I’m holding my breath and everyone is counting. I feel him, but it’s not really him anymore.

Somehow, I’m still taking deep breaths and pushing on to the next moment. I know this will all be over soon, but I’m stuck in a place where I wish this was just it. There was no way I could turn back time, but navigating the future will be too hard. I get lost in my head during the moments of breathing. The beeping brings me back to the present.

“I can see his head. Only one more push and you’re here.”

My partner is staring at me. I can tell he’s scared too. The light is just so bright and I have to close my eyes to gain the strength to do this last act of love.

I push and I feel him enter the world. The room is silent and I feel empty. Isn’t there anyone that can say anything? I need someone to talk, to break the silence besides that dreaded beeping. As I look, I see them holding him. The one person I had been dreaming about for months, but I’ll never have him again.

“Does he have all his fingers and toes?”

It’s the only thing I can think to ask. I need some normalcy in this moment that’s anything, but normal. I hear a tiny yes. Still, no one knows what to say. They take him away from me, to the room next door. I want to get up, but I can’t.

Everything is getting cold. My eyes feel tired and I am weak. The room around me goes dark and I do too.

The beeping rings in my ear. I wake up. There’s just one nurse in my room. She sees that I’m awake and asks me if I need anything. The sun is starting to peak through the blinds. Somehow the world has continued on. I look at her and tears begin to fall from my eyes.

I feel her arms wrap around me and her calming shushing fills the room. She tells me he is beautiful as my hand covers my flattened belly. I wanted it all to be a horrible nightmare.

Time is passing quickly and slowly at the same time. I’m still crying into my nurse’s chest as she describes every detail of him to me. He has blond hair and the shape of my face. His hands are big and toes are long. There were pictures taken of him, but she is telling me about his pouty lips.

The door opens and I feel her retreat. Somehow, it’s time for me to already go home. My family packs up my belongs and the grief bag that someone slipped in my room. There’s an elephant that’s poking out and I hold on to it as I get seated into the wheelchair.

I see the room that he’s still in. He’s alone and I’m leaving him. Maybe he’s with me, but in a different way. All I know is I’m leaving and the world is swirling around me.

There isn’t the steady beeping on the car ride home. I walk in my room and see baby stuff with no baby to bring home. Life has ended for him and me too. All I can do is lay in bed and try to sleep.

Maybe when I wake up, this will all go away and maybe when I sleep, I’ll see him.

The Moon and the Sun.

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I wonder if the Moon ever aches for the Sun.
For the Sun gives the Moon its light from afar,
Letting it shine brighter than all the stars.
The Moon and Sun will never be one,
But they are always connected together.
Just as you and I, forever.

I watch as the Sun gives life to all.
Each night she lets the world go dark,
But her nurturing light leaves a mark.
She has to go to make a special call.
On the side of the world she’s searching,
Yet, her beloved moon is just now perching.

I see the Moon wandering every night.
His movements make the waves crash,
And the world feels their splashes.
The Moon doesn’t know how this is right.
All the wandering, but always too late.
Why does this have to be their fate?

I feel the Moon aching for the Sun.
The wandering and waves aren’t bizarre,
It’s just the way the Moon and Sun are.
Their distance isn’t fair to none.
But they are always connected together.
Just as you and I, forever.