Who They Are.

 

Capture Your Grief – Day Two

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His name is Jensen.
He was so lively.
He loved chocolate milk and macaroni and cheese
He danced every time he heard music.
He posed for ultrasound pictures.
He listened to his momma’s voice.
He was surrounded by warmth and love for all his days.
He will forever be thirty-eight weeks and two days old.
He was born on April 5, 2016.
He had blond hair.
He had his mother’s nose, feet, and pouty lip.
He was perfect.
He taught me patience.
He showed me love.
He is my son.
His name is Jensen.

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In the Ashes of September.

I’ve never been one to wish away time.

Even when I was super pregnant with Jensen and my feet were so swollen. I happily waddled around and was so blissfully happy that everything seemed so perfect. Honestly, I didn’t even have a countdown for his arrival. His due date, April seventeenth, was always in the back of my mind, but each day was so special with him.

For the first time in my life, I wished time away. I wished September would have ended two weeks ago. It’s been a month full of pain and change. There were many days I just sat and thought of loss and death. I’ve had my darkest thoughts this past month; times I wanted to literally rip the skin off my body to feel some relief. Tears fell so freely and there were only bits of relief. As bad as this month was, no month, from forever on, will ever compare to April, but this September comes in second.

At the beginning of the month, I posted a blog: The Promise of September. I wish I would have listened to my gut instincts that I had on that day. The words I wrote even doubted good things to come. They were full of fear for the future. It’s like I knew deep down that this month would be another month that would change my life, just in all the ways I never thought.

“The promise of change scares the living hell out of me.”

Those words are ringing in my ear. September kept its promise of change and I’ve felt that living hell each day.

But I’m going to let you all in on a secret, no matter what happens to me in the months to come, nothing will compare to the pain of losing Jensen. I am a survivor. No matter how hard it is to be left or hurt or beat down, if my heart can still beat after Jensen’s stopped, I can take everything else. Death has creeped inside of me and stolen away the one person who I would have given the whole entire world. If I could survive that, I can survive whatever else this cruel life has to throw at me.

Once another beautiful mother told me, us loss mommas were like phoenixes. I might have posted about this before, but it holds true during these bad days and months. My soul and insides have caught on fire and burned out, just leaving ashes behind. But I’m rising from those ashes. For Jensen, for me, and for our story, I will rise and wish away the remaining hours of September to be stronger for October.

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Just another reminder that tomorrow is the beginning of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month! I will be posting every single day with the prompts from Capture Your Grief. Hopefully, you all can follow along and share your stories as well.

 

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The humidity was high, darkness set in, and you could feel the buzz from excitement as the lights scattered. First the drums set in, followed by the guitar, and then the screams of people who so patiently waited for the main act to begin. Music filled the air and everyone joined in singing along with him. I knew all the words, but at that exact moment where everyone was so in the moment, my thoughts turned to you. My eyes filled with tears that on your day that I wanted to celebrate you, I was at a concert that I’ve wanted to go to for so long.

There I was crying and thinking how I would never, ever be able to take you to your first concert. I would never get to see that look in your eye when you see your favorite band go on the stage. The expression when you hear the first note to your favorite song that I would have heard you sing over and over again. Would you belt out every word and dance to the beat, like I do? I’ll never know those little details. Maybe most people don’t wonder about that little moment until that happens. But as I stood there, I remembered him always kicking to the beat of every song we listened to. He loved my horrible singing and kicked even more when I would dance along with him.

In that split second of the first song starting and all those thoughts running in my head, I knew Jensen was there with me. I felt him, waiting to hear me sing along with Mark and Matt and most definitely embarrass his dad and uncle Logan as I danced crazily. Even if I’ll never be able to see Jensen at his first concert, he was definitely there and I already know what he would be like. His eyes would grow wide and he’d look over at me excitedly. Each time he knew a song he would yell over the title of it then start shaking his head from side to side as he sung it. His feet would constantly be stepping from side to side and he would sing. Probably as horrible as I would, but it would be the sweetest sound to me ear.

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