The humidity was high, darkness set in, and you could feel the buzz from excitement as the lights scattered. First the drums set in, followed by the guitar, and then the screams of people who so patiently waited for the main act to begin. Music filled the air and everyone joined in singing along with him. I knew all the words, but at that exact moment where everyone was so in the moment, my thoughts turned to you. My eyes filled with tears that on your day that I wanted to celebrate you, I was at a concert that I’ve wanted to go to for so long.

There I was crying and thinking how I would never, ever be able to take you to your first concert. I would never get to see that look in your eye when you see your favorite band go on the stage. The expression when you hear the first note to your favorite song that I would have heard you sing over and over again. Would you belt out every word and dance to the beat, like I do? I’ll never know those little details. Maybe most people don’t wonder about that little moment until that happens. But as I stood there, I remembered him always kicking to the beat of every song we listened to. He loved my horrible singing and kicked even more when I would dance along with him.

In that split second of the first song starting and all those thoughts running in my head, I knew Jensen was there with me. I felt him, waiting to hear me sing along with Mark and Matt and most definitely embarrass his dad and uncle Logan as I danced crazily. Even if I’ll never be able to see Jensen at his first concert, he was definitely there and I already know what he would be like. His eyes would grow wide and he’d look over at me excitedly. Each time he knew a song he would yell over the title of it then start shaking his head from side to side as he sung it. His feet would constantly be stepping from side to side and he would sing. Probably as horrible as I would, but it would be the sweetest sound to me ear.

The onset of emotions from imagining his reactions to what was going on around me to being present in a concert I’ve been wanting to go to since I was a middle schooler was intense. But being able to feel him so present with me in that moment and for the whole night allowed me to take all of it in and enjoy it with him. We sung. We dance. We smiled and we cried. From the first note to the roar of the crowd, I experienced love, loss, and an understanding of this new life living without Jensen. It was my first concert since he’s been born, well my first experience with a huge crowd of people. During certain moments, I felt like I was outside my body. Dramatic, maybe? I just felt connected to him, I do most of the time, but the music built this bridge of understanding. It came together so perfectly.

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Besides the emotional and connection to Jensen, the concert was phenomenal. Everything that I ever imagine, minus Tom. I’ve wanted to see blink-182 for years and I was finally treated to going for an early birthday present. They sounded great live and the atmosphere felt indescribable. Concerts are always fun to be apart of. It’s crazy to me how so many people can be at one place and connect over music. I know that blink-182’s music has been there for me when I’ve been at my lowest points to my highest ones. When I really think about it, they’ve probably positively effected every, single person at the concert. Even in such a small way. Or it could be just my brain being overly emotional about life and being able to have a ‘good’ night out.

One of my favorite parts of the night was the end when all the confetti dropped. Earlier in the day I said I wanted to celebrate Jensen and there it was. People throw confetti or bake confetti cake to celebrate. Sure it was to celebrate a good concert, but in my mind every piece of cut paper was for Jensen. The light show in the background as they sung each song. It was actually one night where I could smile freely and feel so close to my son. All of it for him and one of dreams for when I was younger came true. I’m glad I could be in that moment. Such a great way to celebrate Jensen’s eighteenth week in heaven and the hurt in all of this healing.


2 thoughts on “blink-182

    • When Jensen first was born, I refused to listen to any music it was the one thing he really loved and I hated listening without him. I can understand how it is a trigger for you. But in sure Sidney recognized those sweet songs you sing to him. Thinking of you and your angels 💙


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