How Anxiety Makes a Scary Situation Worse.

Story time.

Three nights ago, I had a scary incident. I still have the bruises on my arms to remind me what happened.

Since it’s happened, I’ve been unsure if it’s a loss mom thing or a general parent worry. Either way, I wanted to share it with everyone who reads this little blog because you’ve followed my family’s story this far.

So, I have a barn door for my bedroom door. The doorway is in between my bedroom and living room. My mom and I built it and it’s pretty heavy and sturdy. It’s fallen off the tracks a few times, mostly when I’ve been messing around with it and no little living thing is in the way.

The other night, Mila and I got home later than normal. Max was super excited to see us. As I’ve stated before, he can get a little hyper.

I fed Max and gave him a bone to calm down. Afterwards Mila and I walked into my bedroom and I didn’t latch open the sliding door. Max figured out we weren’t in the living room anymore and took off to my room.

While he was running, the door was shutting. Mila was going toddler speed and was only a few steps in front of the door when it happened.

Everything that happened next was in slow motion.

Max tore through the door and knocked it off the track. I saw it pop off and lift up. Then it started to tilt.

I yelled for Mila to move. All my anxiety could just imagine the door smashing into her.

Of course, she was frozen because she didn’t know why I was yelling. The dog looked scared… probably because it hurt a lot and he knew I was upset.

As it falls more slowly and everyone’s still froze, I had to jump into action. When I took that first step, time caught back up.

I threw my arms under the heavy door as it neared Mila. Somehow I kicked her to safety too.

The door landed on my wrists and forearms. There’s cuts and bruises, but nothing I can’t handle. Mila was upset and the dog was too, but everyone was safe.

After it all happened, I just kept thinking of what could have happened.

What if I was in the laundry room and didn’t see it happen?

What if I didn’t catch it in time?

How serious would it have been?

Would she have gotten badly hurt?

What can I do to make this safer?

Even though everything turned out ‘okay,’ all those questions scare me. I don’t know what I would have done if she had gotten hurt.

I think after losing a child, the thought of losing another is always right there.

Anxiety is always in me. When I’m not with Mila, it skyrockets because I can’t be there to save or help her. It’s exhausting to always keep worrying and thinking of the bad.

These cuts and bruises on me remind me that she is safe and I’m doing my best.

I’m never going to be able to protect her from everything; I’m just learning how to manage that.

Do you overthink situations like this? Or can you just put it in the past?

Have An Anxious Dog or Human: Try Happy Dogs CBD

Max, our Old English Lab, suffers from separation anxiety and hyperactivity.

I never really noticed his anxiety until I started working away from home in the middle of last year. When I’d come home for lunch, there would be shoes torn apart or papers shredded. This was not typical behavior for him.

He’s always been a hyperactive dog. Mila and him play constantly and in the summer we take tons of walks. It never calms him down so he can relax.

After having some personal experience with CBD and seeing a post on Facebook about CBD oil and treats for dogs, I was curious in trying it for Max. So, I reached out to Happy Dogs CBD. They sent me CBD goodies to Max and me in exchange for a review.

Although I got the items for free, this is my honest review that I’m happy to share with you.

First, what’s CBD? It’s the second most prevalent ingredient in cannabis. So, yeah it’s in marijuana, but its not the ingredient that gets you high.

CBD is great for physical, emotional, and mental health. It’s know for it’s healing qualities.

In the past, it’s helped me with my anxiety, depression, and just overall mood. There’s many different ways to take CBD, but before Happy Dogs CBD gummies, I had only used the oil.

There’s SO much information about the benefits of CBD on the internet that is readily available.

Happy Dogs CBD sent Max and me four of their products: dog treats, oil, pain cream, and gummies. We have tried each product and I can confidently say we love them.

Every time Max sees me pull out his CBD treats, he gets so excited. It’s definitely not like trying to get him to take medications. He seems to enjoy their taste and has taken the bag out of my hands a few times.

I only give him two of these treats when I have to leave for school or if I feel like he’s anxious.

He can also take the CBD oil. When I give him this, I put it over his canned food in the morning before I leave for work. I’ve followed the dosage on the back and it works for him.

Again, he eats his food like normal and doesn’t notice a taste with the oil.

Both CBD treatments have worked wonders for Max. He’s much more calm and during the day, he’s able to be okay with just his bones and music playing. It’s been so nice to have him not get so excited. He would always jump and scratch me or accidentally run MIla over. Now we can actually play with him and he settles down after a while.

The toughest thing about starting CBD is getting the dosage right. I found that giving him it every day is too much for him. So, I’ll either give him the treats OR the oil and space a day in between.

This is the best for Max. Obviously, every dog has their individual needs. If you try these CBD treats, you’ll have to do what works for your dog… and self!

I was happy to try Happy Dogs CBD for people! Humans can use the same oil dogs do.

All you need is to put the correct dosage under your tongue for forty-five seconds. Then swallow the rest.

They also sent CBD gummies, just for human consumption. I take two every other day, if I don’t use the oil.

Just like dogs, people need to find the dosage that works for them.

The first day I took them, I got really sleepy. I’m unsure if it was a mix of not feeling my normal anxiety or if I just took too high of a dose. Either way, I kept taking them and feel amazing.

Happy Dogs CBD also sent some of their pain cream. I used it on my neck and felt a difference quickly. Honestly, I’ve only used it twice, but the times I did use it, I could tell a big difference. I think it’s a great option for individuals who are looking for a new pain cream.

Over all, I’m so impressed with the quality of the CBD and products in general. Their customer service rocks and they just want to help your him have Happy Dogs and humans!

If you’re looking for a natural way to treat hyperactivity, anxiety, joint pain, and yours and your pets overall health, you should look in CBD oil.

Happy Dogs CBD is such a great company to interact and work with. They shipped their products fast and safe too.

All of their products are great quality and I’ll definitely purchase more in the near future.

You can use their discount code ‘buy2get1’ to buy two of their products and get one for free. They’re also currently running a sale.

This is a wonderful time to help your dog and you improve your health.

I promise you won’t regret it!

Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever tried CBD products and let me know what you think of Happy Dog’s products.

Happy Dog’s CBD contact information:

Thoughts on Taking a Toddler to the Dentist.

A couple months ago, I noticed something up with two of Mila’s teeth. I could’ve sworn they were cavities, but it didn’t make sense that she would have them so young. Or the fact I’m sort of crazy about making sure her teeth are brushed and she takes her fluoride supplement each day. I mean, don’t get me wrong… she drinks juice and has sweets every so often, but not enough to damage her teeth, right?

Since this summer, I’ve been keeping a closer eye on them and they haven’t gotten better.  I’ve honestly had sleepless nights researching what to do for her and how I could do better for her dental health. It’s been a sore subject for me and I know how silly that sounds. I do my best for Mila everyday and I’ve felt like I’ve failed her teeth.

So, last week, I decided to finally call and make an appointment with a dentist. FIRST OFF, it is difficult to find an office to take a child under two to get their teeth checked and potentially worked on. With determination, I did find someone. Thankfully, they were able to get Mila in almost immediately.

Then the anxiety hit.

I thought the dentist would think I was a bad parent. I thought Mila would scream the entire time. I thought they would have to pull her teeth as soon as we walked in. I thought the appointment would be anything but good.

Fast forward to the day of the appointment (Monday), I have to wake Mila up from her nap to get her to the appointment on time. Snow is falling and it’s way too cold for anyone to be going to the dentist. My mom, Mila, and I file our way into reception and they are greeted with a very grumpy toddler.

After checking in, Mila goes to explore her surroundings, but finds herself at a loss when she isn’t able to go in the back. For a little while, she just laid on the ground, protesting to cooperate. I can’t say I blame her as the minutes ticked by during our wait. Finally she gets distracted by the snow and eventually mama cuddles.

Once we’re called back, Mila decides to cheer up and let her happy presence be known to everyone she passes. When we get back to our little area, the anxiety for me starts to set in again. While Mila played with the dentist’s ‘toys,’ I just kept picturing having to pin her down while they pulled all her teeth.

Yes, my brain is so amazing at producing vivid images at the worst possible times. Thank you brain for giving me that beautiful gift.

While waiting, again, Mila discovers she can see inside the room beside us. She sees a family getting their teeth cleaned. At first, she thought she was just crashing on their nap, she soon discovered they were doing anything but going ‘night-night.’ The dentist tools whirled and made so many noises in the other person’s mouth. I wish I could have listened to Mila’s thoughts while watching this somewhat horrifying event for her, take place. The good news was, I didn’t need to hear her thoughts, I could just look at the pure confusion (and slight terror?) on her face. Her big, compassionate heart kept prompting to ask my mom and I if they were okay. I don’t think she believed us, at all.

She then made herself comfortable on ‘the chair.’ The dental assistant soon came and tried to brush Mila’s teeth. She was welcomed with a firm no. I was happy my girl could stand her ground, but terrified knowing what came next.

It all led up to this moment. Mila’s dentist came to check her teeth. She was somewhat intimidated by this man, but weirdly laid down to let him see her teeth. He had me lay her down across me and hold her arms. Her head was placed in his lap and as he tried to brush her teeth and put some kind of coating over them, she awkwardly laughed and I could tell how truly uncomfortable she was. Big crocodile tears fell from her eyes as she looked for me to help her. My heart broke, but I knew this was for her benefit.

As he finished cleaning her teeth and checking her our, she really did such an amazing job. Honestly, I was so proud of her. As a parent, it’s so hard to take your child to the doctor or dentist and not be able to explain why they’re getting a shot or why some random stranger is looking in their mouth. She did call him a meany multiple times after, so I guess she got her revenge too.

I know this is a long post, but this was a big day for her and I. Unfortunately, we found out Mila’s two teeth do need further assistance. Quite frankly, I didn’t know if I wanted to share this with all of you. I still feel like it’s somehow my fault, even after the dentist promised me that her teeth are just soft and prone to cavities. He even told me that he thought I was a great parent and to keep brushing her teeth to the best of my ability. But, Mila has to get caps on two of her teeth and will be under anesthesia for it.

I’m terrified.

This isn’t anyone’s ‘business’ besides Mila and I’s, but after making myself believe I’m a bad parent because she has two cavities and needs to get them fixed, I needed to share. If I think this, I know another person has had the same thoughts too. I just want them to know that you’re doing what you can and sometimes stuff just happens. Now I just have to make myself think that too.

The day didn’t end up in a negative place. Right after her appointment, we took her to Build-A-Bear for the first time ever. The pure joy of being able to make her own bear (dog) and pick it out an outfit made Mila’s world just right again.

I’ll never forget her holding her little dog in the middle of the store out from her and just screaming ‘yaaaaaaay!’ Her smile lit up the whole entire place and let me know everything’s going to be just fine.

Everyday motherhood teaches me something new and on this day, I learned that we have to be brave in situations that make us ultra uncomfortable. If this little toddler of mine can take on such a big day, not knowing what was going on, I can take on hard things too.

Sharing a Little Secret.

I’ve tried to write and share this post countless of times. My anxiety, PTSD, and depression have kept me from saying anything before, but, I’ve come to a point where I feel it’s necessary to share to help my grief and what’s happening in my life right now.

For the past twenty-seven weeks, I’ve been keeping a secret from everyone…

Yes, you’re seeing that right. I am twenty-seven weeks pregnant, exactly, today. The past so many months have been mixed with mourning my miscarriage, living without Jensen, and trying to feel some sort of excitement for this little baby. I’m doing my very best, but it is so hard. There have been many things that have happened in this time where I’ve wanted to share, but have bit my tongue. As I’m getting closer, I feel as if I need an outlet to say what’s going on in my mind. Especially to other moms who have lost a child, moms who have lived through pregnancy after loss, and every other mom I know.

Although I don’t want to overload everyone with information so quickly, I wanted to share a little about the baby. SHE is a girl and I’ve known since around November to start buying pink. All of her ultrasounds have come back beautifully. The only ‘abnormality’ is her single umbilical artery, which is an isolated incident. She has been seen by my regular OB and the high risk doctors, which they are all ecstatic by her growth and how she’s doing. I’ve had nothing but positive appointments, which as you know, is a stark difference from my past.

She has a name that I will share eventually, just not at this second.

Her due date is three days behind Jensen’s, hello PTSD and reliving each milestone almost exactly the same days. She will probably be delivered around 37-38 weeks, depending on what’s happening then… Jensen was born on 38 weeks and 2 days… you can do that math.

I am happy and so thankful for her. She hears Jensen’s name multiple times a day and I feel his presence close by. I’m scared the same thing will happen again and it has seriously affected my depression, but I’m doing all I can to smile and enjoy everyday that I’ve spent with her so far.

This is an exciting and stressful time for me. I also know how triggering it is to see pregnancy announcements and hearing about other people’s pregnancy journeys. Any time I talk about her on this blog will have a trigger warning picture. I don’t plan on giving weekly updates or things like that, but I do want to talk about how this pregnancy is intertwining with my journey of loss and love.

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To Anyone with a Fragile Heart:

I want you to know you’re not alone.

Since my son, Jensen, was stillborn last April, I’ve found myself living with a heart that has been hastily taped together. There have been so many moments I didn’t believe I would be able to make it to the next. My heart felt like it was going to collapse and it still does to this day.

Lately, I’ve collectively felt what has been happening around the world. This could be you reading right now whose baby has tragically died. I know this journey you’re facing because I’m living it every second. This past few months I’ve seen so much loss. From the tragedy that happened in Manchester earlier this week to the person in school that doesn’t think their life is worth living. Even the people who are being mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexual abused. I feel like I’ve been extremely empathetic to every story I hear.

I’m sorry to each person this has happened or is continuing to happen to. I see you. It breaks my heart that you’re feeling this pain.

I will never be able to take your pain away, but if talking helps ease it, I’m right here. There have been times I’ve felt lost, but knowing there was someone who listened, that wanted to help strengthen my heart made me feel less afraid. Less fragile. It is terribly vulnerable to talk about your demons, but opening up and releasing those feelings can let someone know how to be there for you.

Please don’t ever feel alone in this world.

Here’s a little secret. To some, I’m a fellow loss mom or a substitute teacher or the girl down the street. In each of these roles, I’ve heard your story and feel everything that’s going on in your  life. When I see you struggling with your relationship, loss, or even yourself, I want to run up and comfort you. The worst is or has happened and left you broken. Each time I see you I want you to know you can come to me because ultimately we have lost part of the same thing.

Through each and every of  our difficult unbearable journeys, we have lost a huge part of our innocence. Nothing will ever change or bring that back. We now see this fragile world for how it actually is: broken.

The glue holding the world together is you and me and our relationships we build to strengthen each other. We’re able to help each other pick up the pieces. We are each others shoulder to cry on. when we are connected we become stronger. We fit in this beautifully, fragile community of survivors.

You are never alone.

You are so wanted

You make an impact on this world.

You are loved.

Remember, I’m always here for you.

Love,
Danielle
Jensen’s mom

A List of Five Positive Things in My Post Loss Life.

April, Jensen’s month, has come and went to very quickly. The fact May will be here next week is absolutely crazy. A mix of the lingering sadness of Jensen turning one and the anxiety to what May brings has almost pushed me over the edge; and I only just got back from vacation.

This morning I was super triggered.

A big thought that circled my head was, I didn’t deserve Jensen and he was taken away from me because I was a failure. This was obviously emotionally charged. I don’t believe any of our babies died for a certain negative reason. BUT that didn’t stop my thoughts from making me feel like the worst mom in the entire world. I cried the entire way to therapy and even when I sat down on the couch to tell her about everything this month held.

She calmed me down. Told me my anti-self was in control right now and I knew she was right. After I spilled everything that was weighing on my heart, she gave me a list of suggestions to help my anxiety. It included laughing, reading out loud, and smiling at myself in the mirror. One really jumped out to me today and I wanted to share it with you all.

A list of five positive things in my post loss life to remind me there’s more in this world than grief, anxiety, and depression.

1. Jensen

Obviously, right?

The most love I’ve ever felt in my life revolves around him, even in death. From the moment I found out he was growing inside me and for the rest of my life (and beyond), I knew he would always hold the biggest piece of my heart. He brings me so much happiness and peace when I think of our time together. I literally use his name for grounding techniques during anxiety attacks. He walks with me through my life and I’m so happy he’s mine.

2. Family and Friends

Every family member and friend I have is as unique as they are to my grief journey. No matter if it’s a text to see how I’m doing or a whole day spent with them, they are so important to my life. They make me smile, laugh, and feel so very supported. Even when they don’t know what to say, they’re there for me. To listen and let me know that I’m going to keep moving forward. Most of all, they let me know Jensen will never be forgotten.

3. Leo and Poe

My two little kitties are such a positive light in my life. When I’m sad, they let me hold and pet them. They will find me wherever I’m crying and just sit there until I stop. Both of them are so different, but each know how to make me smile. Let me tell you, pets are such a stress reliever. It’s actually well talked about and proven that when you stroke an animal, your stress decreases.

4. Nature

The sun, wind, flowers make this heavy air feel so much lighter. Maybe being by the beach has this on the top of my head, but even today in my small, Ohio town, I felt so much peace. Seeing the trees and feeling the sun’s warmth on me relaxes me. Every part of nature is positive and healing to me. I’m so ready for summer to be here though!

5. The Loss Community

Without the loss community, I don’t know where I would be right now, besides feeling like a complete crazy person. Support is necessary and when I’m hurting I can reach out. The projects that take place throughout the year are so perfect and really help an aching heart. Through my tears today, I told my therapist how I was able to look forward to next month and it’s challenges, just because I know my tribe of beautiful mothers will be here to help me along.

Anxiety Adventures: Substitute Teacher Edition.

One of my promises to Jensen was to become a teacher. It was my dream to be able to have a good job and spend the evenings with him after school. Of course I work from home and I’d be with him all the time, but I wanted to become the best version of myself for him (and me).

This past month I was able to make another step towards that dream and received my substitute teaching license. After a friend of mine got me into contact with her principal, I sent my paperwork in, interviewed, and was asked to start as soon as I could. Today was my first day.

At the end of last week, I was genuinely so excited. I couldn’t wait to be able to go into the classroom and help students learn. I know it’s not as impactful as a full blown teacher, but one day could change someone’s life forever. Plus, I was really excited to be able to begin this promise to Jensen. The excitement started slowly swaying to anxiety as Monday started getting closer.

I’m going to do terrible.

The kids are going to hate me.

What am I going to do if I have a mental breakdown?

If I start crying, how do I regain my strength? 

A hundred percent,  you’re going to fail.

Anxiety is not nice to me one bit. These thoughts kept coming to mind and the worst scenarios played out in my head. I could just see myself crying in front of all these children and I storm out of the room to hide away in my car.

Deep down, I know anxiety was the culprit to these thoughts, but I had to do something about it. Being productive helps me fight it off. So I did what any semi-sane person does in this situation: Pinterest ideas about how to be a successful substitute teacher.

Have a goodie bag full of treats for good students. Check.

Bring a clipboard to keep paperwork straight. Check and double checked for Jensen colored washi tape to keep me calm.

Always have pencils ready for you and students. Checked and sharpened.

Pack snacks, lunch, and headache medicine. Check, check, and check.

Wear comfortable clothes and shoes. Outfit planned and laid out, check.

Sounds silly, right?

I also set six alarms, had my makeup set out and in order, repainted my nails, and even had my cats’ food on the counter so I could quickly get it done in the morning. It would be a foolproof morning for me to get ready and have a successful day. I was still so nervous. Anxiety kept telling me that even when things are so perfectly planned that they can go up in flames. Would it be to the effect of losing Jensen? Of course not, but I just wanted it to go perfectly.

My last foolproof way to make the day go better was to go to sleep early, which we all know it a huge feat for me. I wrote my letter to Jensen and asked God to help me sleep well tonight and for strength to have a really good day for tomorrow. Sleep welcomed me right after I said goodnight to my sweet boy and blew his candle out.

What seemed like seconds after I fell asleep, a buzz awoken me.

We’re on a two hour delay. 

I thought, oh good. This short day will be a great first day of subbing for me. Then an hour later I heard another buzz…

Snow day!

The universe has a funny way of letting me know I shouldn’t always listen to my anxiety.

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