One of my promises to Jensen was to become a teacher. It was my dream to be able to have a good job and spend the evenings with him after school. Of course I work from home and I’d be with him all the time, but I wanted to become the best version of myself for him (and me).
This past month I was able to make another step towards that dream and received my substitute teaching license. After a friend of mine got me into contact with her principal, I sent my paperwork in, interviewed, and was asked to start as soon as I could. Today was my first day.
At the end of last week, I was genuinely so excited. I couldn’t wait to be able to go into the classroom and help students learn. I know it’s not as impactful as a full blown teacher, but one day could change someone’s life forever. Plus, I was really excited to be able to begin this promise to Jensen. The excitement started slowly swaying to anxiety as Monday started getting closer.
I’m going to do terrible.
The kids are going to hate me.
What am I going to do if I have a mental breakdown?
If I start crying, how do I regain my strength?
A hundred percent, you’re going to fail.
Anxiety is not nice to me one bit. These thoughts kept coming to mind and the worst scenarios played out in my head. I could just see myself crying in front of all these children and I storm out of the room to hide away in my car.
Deep down, I know anxiety was the culprit to these thoughts, but I had to do something about it. Being productive helps me fight it off. So I did what any semi-sane person does in this situation: Pinterest ideas about how to be a successful substitute teacher.
Have a goodie bag full of treats for good students. Check.
Bring a clipboard to keep paperwork straight. Check and double checked for Jensen colored washi tape to keep me calm.
Always have pencils ready for you and students. Checked and sharpened.
Pack snacks, lunch, and headache medicine. Check, check, and check.
Wear comfortable clothes and shoes. Outfit planned and laid out, check.
Sounds silly, right?
I also set six alarms, had my makeup set out and in order, repainted my nails, and even had my cats’ food on the counter so I could quickly get it done in the morning. It would be a foolproof morning for me to get ready and have a successful day. I was still so nervous. Anxiety kept telling me that even when things are so perfectly planned that they can go up in flames. Would it be to the effect of losing Jensen? Of course not, but I just wanted it to go perfectly.
My last foolproof way to make the day go better was to go to sleep early, which we all know it a huge feat for me. I wrote my letter to Jensen and asked God to help me sleep well tonight and for strength to have a really good day for tomorrow. Sleep welcomed me right after I said goodnight to my sweet boy and blew his candle out.
What seemed like seconds after I fell asleep, a buzz awoken me.
We’re on a two hour delay.
I thought, oh good. This short day will be a great first day of subbing for me. Then an hour later I heard another buzz…
The universe has a funny way of letting me know I shouldn’t always listen to my anxiety.