25 Self Care Activities for August.

Posted on August 1, 2021 by danielleridgway

Hello August!

I’m completely shocked August is here. Summer is flying by, but there’s always time to focus on self care.

As parents, we sometimes forget to take care of our mental and physical health. It’s hard to fit it all in. Here are twenty-five self care activities that you can do all August long.

They can even be fun if you have littles with you too!

1. Take a walk

2. Read a book

6. Listen to a podcast

7. Binge a new series

9. Take a drive

13. Call a friend

14. Go to lunch

16. Look at the stars

17. Pick flowers

20. Go on a walk

22. Put new sheets on your bed

23. Take a phone free day

25. Try something new

No matter what you decide to do this month, make a little time just for you.

You are so important.

If you feel selfish for taking you time… your kids will benefit from your self care too! A happy mom or dad leads to happy kids.

You and your happiness matters.

What self care activity do you plan on doing this month? Any that you’d add to the list? Let me know in the comments.

The 5 Easiest Houseplants You Need to Buy.

Posted on July 12, 2021 by danielleridgway

If you LOVE the look of plants, but are afraid to kill them, you’ve come to the right post. I’ve put together my list of the 5 easiest houseplants you need to buy!

I promise they’ll thrive under your care.

Note, there aren’t any succulents, strings of things, or spider plants on here. They are way more difficult. I’ve killed all three of those ‘easy’ plants!

So dig in and reap the information I have for you! (I had to get one pun in…)

Pothos

The one type of plant I would recommend to every one are pothos.

They’re hands down the easiest plant to care for. You only need to water when their soil is dry. If you forget, they’ll forgive you!

Even though the Golden Pothos is the most basic houseplant, it’s so beautiful. You can up it’s variegation by placing it in a spot that gets more light. You can even put it outside, in the shade, during the summer.

If you want more variety, there’s so many different types of pothos. My favorite is between the marble and manjula.

I also love that most pothos are adorable. Of course, there are some rare ones that go for more. But, you can go to Lowe’s or any big box store and find a golden pothos for a good price.

Trust me, if you want to try caring for plants, start with a pothos!

Philodendrons

Philodendrons and pothos get mistaken quite a lot. Once you get familiar with the two rules, you’ll be able to instantly spot their differences.

This type of plants has a ton of varieties. Way more than pothos. There’s one specific philodendron called a Pink Princess that goes foe a ton of money. You can find good priced ones that are just as beautiful though.

My two favorite and the easiest to take are of are the philodendron brasil and the basic heart leaf philodendron.

Again, these plants are a breeze. Water when their soil is dry. These guys like a little more humidity too. It helps the new leaves unfurl. Other than that, they’re simple!

Have fun checking out all the beautiful varieties of philodendrons. You’ll find one to fall in love with!

Snake Plants

Snake plants are another plant I’d recommend to everyone. It’s very hard to kill a snake plant!

These plants can tolerate low lights and don’t need watered constantly. Of course, they’ll grow faster with more light. Remember: there’s no plant that is a no light plant!

I love snake plants because they’re very… interesting looking. They’re like little swords sticking out of the pot.

Again, you can find different types of snake plants. I love the darker kinds.

This is another easy plant to find in big box stores. They’re also really adorable, even for huge ones.

If you’re a person who forgets to water your plants, try one of these!

ZZ Plants

I have a small collection of different types of ZZ Plants. My favorite is the Raven ZZ, which leaves are black.

ZZ’s and snake plants have similar care needs. They can tolerate low light and drought conditions. Yet, I am just in love with how these plants look. That’s why I have so many.

These guys are a little more difficult to find than the others. Lately, Raven ZZ’s have been in stores, but not regular ones.

It’s all about the hunt.

If you master snake plants and want to branch out, definitely get yourself a ZZ plant!

Monstera Deliciosa

When you think of a popular plant, monsteras are probably the first that come to mind.

They just look tropical and eye-catching.

There’s a ton of varieties monsteras, but the deliciosa is the most popular. Let’s not mention their variegated counterparts. Those can go for a TON of money.

Monstera Deliciosas need medium light. Mine is right by a bright window and my humidifier. They’re watering needs depend on the season. In the summer I water way more! I can tell it needs water when the first two inches of soil are dry. So yes, I put my fingers in the dirt to check. You can also get a moisture meter!

These guys take a little more care than the other ones on the list. They’re still not hard though!

Plus, they’re one of the most beautiful plants. They get really big and their fenestrations are breath taking. This was one of my first plants and I still have it!

You can also check out the two adansonii varieties. They’re just as amazing as the deliciosa.

I hope that you can make a planty purchase here soon. Houseplants are a fabulous way to practice self care and bring you happiness all year long!

Do you agree or disagree with my list? Either way, let me know what your favorite plant is too!

If you’d like to see more of my plants and the journey through plant parenthood, follow my planty Instagram.

10 Things to Try When You’re Feeling Stuck

Posted on February 6, 2021 by danielleridgway

If you’re stuck at home or work not knowing how to get motivated, try some of these activities. They may just get you back on track.

1. Take a shower or bath.

The first thing I do any time I’m feeling stuck is take a hot shower or bath.

Water is so healing. Showers feel like they wash away all troubles from your skin just as the water falls. It instantly feels relieving. Baths are like a warm, water hug. All your stress leaves your body and the bath helps recover that trauma.

My favorite thing to do is add aromatherapy to showers and baths. I feel like it helps clear my head. Usually, I use eucalyptus and lavender.

2. Listen to a podcast.

I just discovered podcasts in 2020, but they’ve helped me get through the toughest times.

When you’re trying to get through a stuck moment, find a podcast you want to listen to. When you listen into a conversation about something that inspires you, you want to get up. A lot of the time I do chores or work, I’m listening to podcasts. It definitely helps motivate me.

Some of my favorite podcasts are from the Exactly Right Media, like My Favorite Murder, That’s Messed Up, and I Saw What You Did.

3. Tend to plants.

This one sounds SO silly, but tending to plants might be the most relaxing thing I do.

Any time I get to water my plants, dust them off, or propagate them, it makes me want to do more. It’s like the more I help them, I also want to help myself. Somehow, they’re self care reverse psychology. I want to do a post about the best starter plants for newbie plant parents, but I haven’t gotten there yet!

The connection to nature really helps get a person unstuck and back to themselves. You’ll have to try it out to discover that.

4. Meditate.

Meditation is one of the hardest things to practice, but it really clears your mind.

There’s a ton of meditation music on YouTube or any music app. If you want to try to mediate, put one of those songs on and try it out. I usually sit with my legs crossed, close my eyes, and take deep breaths. After a few minutes, I feel better and try to get unstuck with whatever I’m doing.

I don’t think anyone’s great at meditating their first time. So don’t be discouraged if you try and it doesn’t help.

5. Dance your heart out.

I feel like this one is self explanatory, but I’ll explain anyways.

Getting up and moving with your favorite songs, helps. Once you’re on your feet after a mini dance party, you’ll want to keep going. You just released a ton of endorphins which makes you feel happy. That’s the best way to get unstuck.

6. Call a friend.

One of the most underutilized resources we have are our friends.

When you reach out a friend or close family member, they can help with so many different things. If you’re out of ideas for a project, want advice, or have no idea why you’re feeling stuck, they’ll be able to help out. A person you trust can help organize your thoughts and motivate you to keep going.

Another great option is to reach out to your therapist. Some reasons why you’re feeling stuck goes deeper than surface level feelings.

7. Start a journal.

Not everyone is a writer, but there’s a variety of different journals to get unstuck.

For me, writing whatever is on my mind helps clear it up so I can tackle the things I need to do. If you want to write and don’t think you’re good at it, you don’t have to be. You’re just writing to help you, not impress other people.

There’s also art journals where you can doodle out what’s going on in your head too. Do whatever works best for you. This is to help you feel unstuck.

8. Do a chore.

Chores are boring and I put them off until they HAVE to be done. So how does this help?

It’s almost like when you check something off a to-do list. When you get a chore done, you feel a rush of endorphins. It also lets yourself know that you can get things done. This will help you realize you can do whatever or help motivate you to do more.

This one is the last option for me, but it does get me feeling better. As soon as I start folding laundry, I want to do anything else to stop. You can most definitely laugh at that.

9. Take a walk.

Again with the endorphins, I know.

But really. Getting up and moving releases so many good feeling hormones in your brain and body. It clears up your brain and gets your body moving. If you can walk outside, you’ll have the added benefit of the healing effects of nature.

Plus, if you can go for a long walk or a tough run, you’ll feel on top of the world.

10. Slow down and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Sometimes when you’re stuck, you’re meant to slow down.

When you take on too many things or just need a break, your body will let you know. Maybe this is your body and mind telling you to rest. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone needs a day or week to get back to yourself.

Once you give yourself that time, you’ll feel back to normal.

What do you do to feel unstuck?

10 Things To Try When You're Feeling Stuck

‘Your Loss Makes Me Uncomfortable’ and Five More Things I’ve Heard.

Posted on July 11, 2017 by danielleridgway

Last year I wrote this post about hurtful things I had been told only four months into losing Jensen. It’s been one of my most read post and I think by sharing things that are painful to hear will help others know what they’re saying is hurtful.

Now fifteen months into my loss journey, on top of my miscarriage, there are comments said to me that really sting. Sometimes hearing them is just the tipping point of a complete grief attack. It’s horrible. Deep down I believe a lot of these are just a person trying to help, but it’s a little misguided. Other times it’s just complete cruelty from a person. I’m not sure if that stems from not having any empathy/sympathy for a person or they just don’t care.

With all that being said, here’s part two of my original post. As with any of my posts that could come off distasteful, this isn’t me trying to put anyone down. If you have said any of these things, I’m not calling you out. This is purely just to help break the stigma of child loss and open the conversation of how to treat the bereaved. Of course, every person is different and what bothers me may not effect the next.

Your loss makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, I’m sorry that my child who died makes you uncomfortable, I guess I’ll act like it never happened so you’re okay. HA.

Guess what death and grief is uncomfortable and I live with that every second of the day. Losing a child is hard, sad, and really indescribable. The moments I get to talk about Jensen and the love he brought into my life are the ones I treasure the most. If I’m sharing him with you, that means a lot. Yet, when I hear how uncomfortable you are about my stories and his pictures… it makes me never want to share him.

Of course I keep sharing him because that’s what makes me happy. Babies who have gone so soon shouldn’t be hid away, they should be celebrated.

At least it was an early loss, it doesn’t hurt as bad.

This has made way in the mix of comments since losing Jensen’s little sibling. I was ten weeks, which was a lot less time with that little baby then Jensen. Our time together wasn’t ‘long,’ but it was that child’s whole life. The moment I saw that pregnancy test flash positive, I was over the moon with happiness.

Then he or she died and I tumbled down.

Pregnancy and infant loss, heck any loss, hurts. It doesn’t matter how long with a person you had, they still mattered and made a difference. Honestly, people told me this with Jensen too. That it was a good thing I wasn’t attached to him because he hadn’t taken a breath outside my womb. My question with this comment is how long is long enough time with your child that losing them starts to hurt?

That’s in the past. You need to live in the present.

My eyes roll so far in the back of my head every time I hear this.

Yes, believe me, I know how many weeks and days it’s been since Jensen and his sibling died. Just like I know that I’m in this day right now. This comment usually is said when I’m having a bad day because I don’t have enough strength to look my ‘okayest’ on the outside.

It doesn’t matter how long it has been, my life should be different. My present should not be how it is now. Jensen should be walking around all over the place and I still should be growing his baby sibling inside my belly. When you look at it like that, how could you not understand why the present is so hard? Their death is deafening. Loss parents try their best to keep moving forward, never leaving their children and their memories behind, and continue healing in the best way they know how. We are living in the present we never thought was possible, don’t judge us while we’re trying to figure it out.

You can always have more.

This was on the last list too, but I think it’s important to mention it again.

Maybe you’re right and maybe you’re wrong. I don’t know infertility rates off the top of my head, but I do know there are tons of men and women who are battling to get pregnant. There’s also this little thing called secondary infertility. Just because someone was able to get pregnant before does not always guarantee a future pregnancy.

Let’s take this in another direction, that I’m all too familiar with. What happens if you do get pregnant and that child dies too? Yeah, that’s real talk. The truth a pregnancy doesn’t always result in a living child. Multiple loss happens to so many parents.

My advice on this one, mind your own business. You never know what’s happening behind the scenes.

I couldn’t go on if my child died.

Each time I’ve heard this I’ve wanted to scream.

One, I’m not strong or cold-hearted to have ‘kept going on’ after Jensen’s death. There’s really only two options of what I could do. First, try to make sense and keep moving forward in life after loss. Second, not go on. That was nicely put. When you say you couldn’t go on, you’re implying you would die if you children did. So frankly the other option I would have is to just die and then it would be pity her she couldn’t handle life.

Two, when you say this, it feels like you’re downplaying the love I have for my child and the pain I feel. The truth is you can never predict how you’re going to react after you child dies, but you have the two options I stated above: to keep going on or taking your own life.

So you have NO children.

This is a newly inspired comment to add to my list of horrible things I’ve heard. If you haven’t heard the whole episode of what happened during my post-op appointment, you can read it, here.

I’m going to put this in a perspective anyone could understand. If your mother dies, are you still her child? Is she still your mother? Does death take away the relationship you had with her? If you answered, yes, yes, no. Then you should understand why hearing this would make you livid. Now, let me flip the switch. If you died, right now as you’re reading this, would your mom still be your mother? Or would your death just take that away from her?

She would still be your mom, just like I’ll always be Jensen’s and this little baby’s. Death does not take that time away. It steals your future, of course, but not the unique relationship with that person. SO, how could a person look at a mother who has went survived pregnancy and infant loss and tell her she has no children. It’s cruel and completely untrue.

Again, this post is not written to throw anyone under a bus. It’s meant to help educate to make others aware that child loss is a real tragedy and words really can hurt.

A List of Five Positive Things in My Post Loss Life.

Posted on April 25, 2017 by danielleridgway

April, Jensen’s month, has come and went to very quickly. The fact May will be here next week is absolutely crazy. A mix of the lingering sadness of Jensen turning one and the anxiety to what May brings has almost pushed me over the edge; and I only just got back from vacation.

This morning I was super triggered.

A big thought that circled my head was, I didn’t deserve Jensen and he was taken away from me because I was a failure. This was obviously emotionally charged. I don’t believe any of our babies died for a certain negative reason. BUT that didn’t stop my thoughts from making me feel like the worst mom in the entire world. I cried the entire way to therapy and even when I sat down on the couch to tell her about everything this month held.

She calmed me down. Told me my anti-self was in control right now and I knew she was right. After I spilled everything that was weighing on my heart, she gave me a list of suggestions to help my anxiety. It included laughing, reading out loud, and smiling at myself in the mirror. One really jumped out to me today and I wanted to share it with you all.

A list of five positive things in my post loss life to remind me there’s more in this world than grief, anxiety, and depression.

1. Jensen

Obviously, right?

The most love I’ve ever felt in my life revolves around him, even in death. From the moment I found out he was growing inside me and for the rest of my life (and beyond), I knew he would always hold the biggest piece of my heart. He brings me so much happiness and peace when I think of our time together. I literally use his name for grounding techniques during anxiety attacks. He walks with me through my life and I’m so happy he’s mine.

2. Family and Friends

Every family member and friend I have is as unique as they are to my grief journey. No matter if it’s a text to see how I’m doing or a whole day spent with them, they are so important to my life. They make me smile, laugh, and feel so very supported. Even when they don’t know what to say, they’re there for me. To listen and let me know that I’m going to keep moving forward. Most of all, they let me know Jensen will never be forgotten.

3. Leo and Poe

My two little kitties are such a positive light in my life. When I’m sad, they let me hold and pet them. They will find me wherever I’m crying and just sit there until I stop. Both of them are so different, but each know how to make me smile. Let me tell you, pets are such a stress reliever. It’s actually well talked about and proven that when you stroke an animal, your stress decreases.

4. Nature

The sun, wind, flowers make this heavy air feel so much lighter. Maybe being by the beach has this on the top of my head, but even today in my small, Ohio town, I felt so much peace. Seeing the trees and feeling the sun’s warmth on me relaxes me. Every part of nature is positive and healing to me. I’m so ready for summer to be here though!

5. The Loss Community

Without the loss community, I don’t know where I would be right now, besides feeling like a complete crazy person. Support is necessary and when I’m hurting I can reach out. The projects that take place throughout the year are so perfect and really help an aching heart. Through my tears today, I told my therapist how I was able to look forward to next month and it’s challenges, just because I know my tribe of beautiful mothers will be here to help me along.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Supporting Loss Parents During Important Grief Dates.

Posted on March 28, 2017 by danielleridgway

Jensen is turning one in eight days.

This is how I always pictured Jensen and I near his birthday…

Encouraging him to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I never imagined he’d be teaching me how to do the same.

How time passed so quickly completely eludes me. It feels like just yesterday I saw him dancing across the ultrasound screen just five days before. In another sense, it feels like forever since I’ve been able to catch my breath. From the moment I found out his heart had stopped beating to this one right now, and all the moments for the rest of my life, I will never fully grasp that this is my reality. That I will forever be physically without Jensen. The fact that I have to face his big day is overwhelming.

but…

With almost a full year of grief under my belt, I have an understanding of what I need during these huge grief and trigger days. This list is compiled from what has helped me and my support group during the last year. It hasn’t been an easy process to find out what worked and what didn’t, but I am so thankful for my support circle that have been so willing to learn and swim through the waves with me. Although I can’t speak for every loss parent, these do’s and don’ts are with the bereaved hearts and their support in mind.

Do…

Offer support/ask how you can help.

Honestly, this one is a little tricky. Most of the time I don’t know what I want or need in terms of support. It’s frustrating because I know there has to be something. Whether that be someone to listen to me or to sit with, to actually helping with events or plans concerning that day. Big grief days are exhausting. On top of not knowing, (for me) reaching out seems difficult because I’m exhausted and deep down, I know this is the only way I can mother Jensen.

A big thing I’m going through with his birthday party is telling people I have everything planned. In my mind, that’s true. As of today, there is a lot I need help with and my family and friends have asked and I said no. Deep down though, I know those people want to help me and will if I ask. Like I said, this is in my experience, planning his birthday is how I’m able to parent Jensen and heal my heart.

Even if there isn’t any way you can help, just by asking if a person needs support or help, they know you’re there for them. You’ve opened up a doorway that will positively impact that next moment and interaction.

Listen to their stories, feelings, and emotions.

Even if it’s the same story you’ve heard a thousand times, this is all we have. It could be about the first kick or their birth story. Of course there’s sadness, confusion, and anger towards loss. On the other hand, there is so much beauty in their son or daughter’s life. Their lives, although short, were full of love and happiness. For most of us, having them grow and finding out we were parents was the best time of our lives.

This is another form of support. To me, it’s so important to be able to share Jensen’s story. and not just his death. In fact, his birthday will be a celebration of his life. There will be cake, laughter, and his lifetime of memories. Now, I’m not going to lie to you all, the day before will be a day of mourning. On each day, I hope and know that my support circle will be there to listen to it all.

Say their child’s name.

Always. Even if you’re miles away, write their child’s name down and send them a picture of it. This seems way simpler than the others, but it means the entire world to a loss parent. It lets us know that our child is not being forgotten. For me, it is one of the greatest gifts anyone can give.

Embrace their child(ren)’s life and memory.

Sort of like some of the previous ones, but it goes a little deeper. When you’re listening to their stories about being pregnant or other memories they have, tell them something you remember. Maybe it was the day they told you they were going to be parents or a memory you have of feeling the baby move. Don’t be shy to bring these moments up. We haven’t forgotten.

Also, if there’s something they want you to do, try your best to do it. Usually it won’t be anything too huge, but something like lighting a candle on their hard days. Do a random act of kindness in their child’s name. This embraces and keeps their memory alive.

Don’t…

Be afraid to ask questions.

This can be different for everyone depending on where they are in their journeys. It is hard to talk about certain parts, for both parties. But, if you want to see pictures of their child or know what time they were born, just ask. Don’t be afraid to ask about those memories. I know for a lot of moms (sorry dads) facts and moments are constantly playing through their minds. It helps get the information out and, again, it helps to know you want to be there to support us even through the messy part.

Personally, I’ve always been one to tell people to ask me questions. I would rather them know from me and the truth about it all. Like I said though, this is completely different for other loss parents.

Get angry if the plans for the day change.

If you get a text a few hours before you’re supposed to meet up for a lunch or self-care day on one of these grief days, don’t be mad. No one really knows how they’re going to be until the day comes. It could be they woke up that morning and the waves are crashing down. This isn’t anything personal against you, this is a way they’re helping their heart.

Downplay their pain, even when it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Grief and loss hurt like hell. There hasn’t been a moment of comfort I’ve had since April 4, 2016. Believe me, I know it’s hard to hear your loved one is hurting, but that’s why they’re talking about their grief. Please, please, please don’t downplay or cut someone off. They’re talking to you about the hardest and most tragic event that they will ever go through in their life. Opening up to another person about these raw feelings is extremely brave for a person to do. It is terrifying to start talking about emotional times to only be told that what their feeling isn’t really that intense.

We live in a society who do not really know how to grieve. I’m thankful that not every person in the world knows what it’s like to lose a child. But I am telling you, that releasing these emotions to the outside world is so healing. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Imagine how that would be like every day.

Tell them that it’s time to stop grieving OR any hurtful comments.

Just please don’t do it.

Ten Things I’ve Learned in Ten Months of Grief.

Posted on February 5, 2017 by danielleridgway

10 Months.png

The past ten months have been the most challenging in my life. A parents worst nightmare is to have their child die, but the nightmare doesn’t end in that moment. Learning how to live after loss is unnatural and soul splitting. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t cried or felt like my whole world was going to crash around me. On the other hand, there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t felt an immense amount of love I have for Jensen.

This whole journey is a learning experience and I don’t think there will ever be a day where I stop learning about loss and love. Today, for Jensen’s ten month day, I want to share with you ten things that have gotten me to this point in my grief journey.

Loss

I never knew loss before Jensen died. My grandmother passed away before I was two years old and I knew people and had pets that had died, but never had felt this deep loss. From the second I found out his heart had stopped beating, loss overwhelmed me and I didn’t even know how to process that feeling. Then there was the realization that I would forever live with the loss of Jensen. I mean obviously, right?

But at that second of finding out he was gone, my body would not allow me to understand that I would lose Jensen at all the stages. Sometimes I still don’t think I completely have come to terms with losing Jensen at older ages because I’m not there yet. At ten months, I know what it’s like to have loss from the moment he was supposed to be born until his ten month day. I relive that loss each and every day. The Jensen sized hole in my heart is with me with every step and I can literally see him with each step I take.

Loss isn’t ‘fun’ to learn, but I’ve been forced to do so.

Pain

Immense. Abundant. Heaps. Endless. Masses. Enormous. Infinite. Never-ending.

All those words that could describe the oceans amount of pain I have felt. Even with those words, I would still say there’s more. Then with each wave of pain I get, it stings somehow harder than before. This type of pain is mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical. It is so exhausting to keep fighting this pain and not just succumb to it. Yeah, there is days where it hurts so much I just lay there and take it.

I almost wish this pain was visual, so others could see it coming on to me. There’s only so many ways to describe it, but if it was my leg bleeding out I feel like others would run over to stop the bleeding. There’s no way for others to really ease this pain.

Longing

Just like with loss, I have never felt longing before. Of course there was times I missed my mom and dad when I was away, but I knew I would see them soon enough. There was never a doubt that I would see them and all that missing them would just fall away. This isn’t the case with my longing for Jensen.

I long to see him smile and to hear his laugh. I long to feel his hand squeeze mine. I long to know what his first word would have been. I long to learn the schedule we would have had. I long to read to him one more time. I long for him every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep.

With each new place I go, knowing he’ll never go there, I long for him to experience it with me. I feel as if I’m just being introduced to longing and it will continue to grow as the years pass.

Grief

Sucks…

Just throwing that out there. It really does though. Grief sucks you in and it decides when to throw you out. It’s like a huge black hole and who knows what you’re going to feel when you’re trapped inside.

Is it depression, anxiety, PTSD, or all of them at once? Will it be me feeling completely numb or feeling everything?

Grieving is hard for anyone in any situation. I hate that I have to be a mother grieving her son. It’s not fair, like most things in our world, but this really isn’t how it should be.

Tears

They sound self-explanatory, but I can tell you all the different tears I’ve encountered in ten months. Heck, I’ll just tell you the tears that I’ve had in the past twelve hours.

Big droplets that form from holding them backs. Hurried sobs because you held them back. Silent ones that flow down your face as you try to sleep. Scattered ones from crying in your sleep and they have no idea where to go. The flood from when you open your eyes when you wake up and they just fall out. Then there’s the nameless ones that just are there and you work/live through them.

Heck, I could have filled a kiddie pool full of tears in the past twelve hours. Imagine the last ten months.

Support

I’ve had support all throughout my life, but I’ve learned that the best type of people support you through the worst of times. Through this ten months, complete strangers have become best friends and best friends have become complete strangers.

Support isn’t trying to fix what is wrong. It isn’t necessarily making everything better for the person in pain. Support is listening and letting the person know you’re always there for them. It’s being their greatest cheerleader and seeing the progress on a day where it feels like you’ve fallen way off track.

Most of all (with child loss) it’s remembering their son or daughter with them. It’s saying their and writing their names down, listening to the same stories, and never forgetting.

Smiles

Of course I knew what a smile was before Jensen died, but I never felt how good it could be to smile during grief. Just because you smile and feel happiness doesn’t mean the death of your child is forgotten or you’re happy they’re not here. You’re having a good moment and this smile just comes from the soul. It brightens your day and feels so much better on your face than just a frown and tears. Not that those frowns and tears are bad, but the smile does feel good.

On my bad days where I feel strength, I look for what makes me smile. Seeing Jensen’s face and his drawers full of his stuff makes me smile. Knowing his life means so much lights up my day. Leo and Poe’s antics make me laugh. The support I have can cheer me up and I know they love to see me smile. Seeing how far I’ve come and knowing I’m still taking steps towards living brings me a peaceful grin.

A (real) smile there is lightness throughout this black hole of grief.

Growth

This ones a little more difficult.

I long to see Jensen grow. On each of his month days, I wonder how much he would weigh and how long he would be. I’ve wondered when his first hair cut would have been. Honestly, I could go on and on with this. I won’t today, but you get the picture.

The growth I’m talking about here is the growth in myself. It’s how my strength has grown to not only take on the stresses of everyday life, but to also hold the weight in my heart. My voice has grown to be able to shout from the rooftops all about Jensen and the taboo of pregnancy and infant loss. I’ve probably grown in ways I don’t even know yet, but I feel it. There’s apart of me that screams that I could have grown these ways without Jensen dying, but I can’t change that. It’s not a good that has come from Jensen dying, it’s a positive that has grown through the grief I’ve had to endure.

Motherhood

It’s an invisible motherhood, but it’s my mine. I have been a mom since the moment I knew Jensen was inside of me and I’ll be his mother forever. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.

I’m still learning this type of motherhood, which is strange because it’s my only experience. Yet, I’m still here; being the best mom for Jensen I can be. I know it’s not the same as mothering a living child, but I still mother him in ways all moms mother their children. I have sleepless nights and I worry myself sick wondering if I’m doing all I can do for him. He is my motivation and even though I can’t see if he’s proud of me, I know, deep down, he is.

Love

It always comes back to love.

Throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly, love has always been right there. The love I have for Jensen will never cease. The love I have for my motherhood only grows stronger. My love smiling has come back. I love the support and my tribe of loss mamas. There’s a huge hate-love I have for grief, loss, and all the ‘bad’ that was listed above. I hate it because I don’t want it in my life, but I love to see how through these I’ve grown. Through these I’ve learned to love harder and greater. Would I give that all back to have Jensen? In an instant.

But I love this life I have been given. I love the fact that Jensen will always be intertwined in my everyday life. I love that he will forever walk with me. I love that I can share the love I have for him.

Happy ten months in heaven, my sweet boy. I hope you’re smiling down with your (not so) big ten month day sticker. The sun is shining and I know you’ve given me this day of renewal to keep on growing and to keep on loving. Everything I do, I do for you. I miss you. I love you.

Gratitude.

Posted on October 20, 2016 by danielleridgway

Some days I can’t stand thinking I have gratitude for anything in this world after it took Jensen away. Maybe it’s clouded from the rain or the darkness that has settled in me this evening. Instead of delving into my thoughts, I want to make a list of all the reasons I’m grateful. My mind can’t go any deeper than that tonight.

I’m grateful for you reading this and saying Jensen’s name quietly to yourself.

I’m grateful for my family and the support they give me.

I’m grateful for this path I’m on, even if I don’t understand it.

I’m grateful for my beliefs and how they keep me grounded.

I’m grateful for the loss community for never letting me feel alone.

I’m grateful for all the pictures of Jensen’s name I receive.

I’m grateful for noise, so the silence doesn’t pull me back.

I’m grateful for the rain as it waters Jensen’s tree.

I’m grateful for Leo and Poe, as they let me be the best cat mom to them.

I’m grateful for the happiness I once had.

I’m grateful for pain and it’s ability to push someone to their breaking point.

I’m grateful for my motherhood.

I’m grateful for the candle’s flame dancing just out of my reach.

I’m grateful for the first time I felt his kicks.

I’m grateful for every picture I have of him.

I’m grateful for his love of chocolate milk, that I still drink to bring back a part of him.

I’m grateful for the thirty-eight weeks and two days I carried him.

I’m grateful for the chubbiest cheeks I’ve ever seen.

I’m grateful for his button nose and pouty lips.

I’m grateful for his curly blond wisps.

I’m grateful for his memory and those who remember him with me.

I’m grateful for the courage he brought me.

I’m grateful for his signs.

I’m grateful for the love that constantly guides me in the right direction.

I’m grateful for being able to carry the most gentle soul and being able to learn all about him.

Most of all, I’m grateful for Jensen.

The Evolution of a Relationship After Loss.

Posted on August 8, 2016 by danielleridgway

Relationships are hard, especially after losing a child you both created and loved so much. There are a lot of couples that break up after loss for a variety of reasons. Many argue because they don’t grieve the same way or they’re terrified to move forward in continuing their family. No matter what, the couple has to decide whether to stay together or part ways. As Anthony and I go through month four after losing Jensen, our relationship continues to evolve in different ways. From personal emotions to thinking about our forever without our son, not every conversation is easy. But, we grow each day and involve Jensen in our daily lives.

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From my experience these six things have helped us stay strong during our hardest time and have evolved from the beginning of our relationship…

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Just Listen & Six Other Ways to Help a Friend After Loss.

Posted on July 21, 2016 by danielleridgway

As I head into the fourth month of love and loss, I’ve learned a lot about how other’s see and understand grief. In this time, I can honestly say, our society doesn’t prepare us to help others after any type loss. Before Jensen was born, I had no idea how to help someone going through any type of loss. Sometimes, even now, I still don’t know what do say or how to help someone.

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and causes colossal pain. No two people experience grief the same exact way, which makes it even harder for friends and family. I recently read an article that said grief, especially after losing a child, lasts a lifetime. Yes, there’s good days and people learn how to live and manage the sadness, but it is always there. A child is gone. It isn’t something you can just get over, ever.

This list consists of things I would have or liked having in the past fifteen weeks. I’m sure the further I journey through the grief the less I’ll need some of these, but I know loss happens everyday. I hope this list can potentially help other mommas navigating this journey.