Tag Archives: Motherhood

I Got My House Blessed After Spooky Occurrences and This is What Happened.

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**Warning: this post talks about sensitive issues that some may or may not be comfortable with. There may also be people who don’t believe in what I’m about to write about. No matter, this post will describe my experience with spirits in my house.**

Over the last few weeks, weird things have been going on. It all started after I painted my front door. Mila started having nightmares and some electronics acted up. I didn’t really think anything of it because the house has always had strange things happen. Usually the smoke detector in Jensen room will go off; like every single morning. My remotes always go missing, then mysteriously end up in the middle of the floor a few days later. Then there are just times I feel like I’m being watched. BUT it all got worse after the door was painted.

A week after it was done, I had gotten everything ready for bed and I was laying down on my phone. Mila was in bed with me and everything but her white noise was shut off. All of the sudden I heard this woman sobbing. The crying was coming from my living room, like where the couch sits. All the hairs on my body stood up and I couldn’t let myself look in the doorway.

The very next day, I told myself I wasn’t going to let something get to me in my own house. I sat out in my living room, watching TV, and waited. Just when I thought everything was all in my head, I heard three taps on my window…

I immediately knew something was wrong.

Throughout the next few weeks, there were unexplained noises and Mila started to change. She didn’t want to sleep and when she did, she’d wake up screaming. I wondered what I could do, but figured it’d be okay.

On the day Mila fell, everything changed. Before she fell, the barn door between my living room and bedroom unlatched and closed right after she woke up from a nap. There was no explanation of how it could have just up and closed. I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t terrify me, but I did not feed into it. About two hours later, she fell. After making the decision to take her to the ER, I had my friend come over to pick us up. Right before we left, there was a huge crash or unexplainable sound. We couldn’t find anything that fell, but there was a loud noise. There were more important matters at hand so I didn’t think about it until I knew Mila was okay.

The day after she fell, I made the decision to contact a paranormal group to come cleanse and bless my home.

I’ve NEVER done anything like this and was pretty nervous at the thought. What if it stirred up more things? Or I didn’t like the thought of pushing Jensen out of my house if he was here too. There were a lot of things running through my mind, but the most important? Mila.

After making the call and talking about it to my friends and family, the house sort of calmed down. Besides Mila waking up every morning, going into the laundry room, shutting the door, and playing/laughing/talking to someone in there. Then on Thursday night, the day before the blessing, the house… was very active.

A ball that has to be hit to light off kept going off after Mila went to sleep. It went on for the whole hour I watched it. I’ll post the video I took at the end of the post. Then when I went into my living room, I heard footsteps in the room behind me and in my kitchen. There were unexplained noises and shuffling all over the house. Plus, I just genuinely felt uncomfortable. The next morning (Friday) the light up ball started acting up again and another ball rolled all by itself.

Yeah, I was a little freaked out, but I was hopeful the blessing would help. I know this post is getting long, but I’ll keep the next part short.

The team came to my house around 6pm. My mom, my brother’s fiancée, and I were there for them to start their investigation. The guy I was most in contact with says he’s a medium too. From what I could tell, he was able to tell which spots had the most activity before I even told him. He identified four different spirits in my house: an old woman, an old man, a young woman, and one that he couldn’t really get a good read on. The two older ones had a strong attachment to my house and the other two just were here. They weren’t related to me, but were pretty grump that I was in their house and changing things. He also let me know there were four ‘portals’ in my house and then went on to close them. After closing them, the blessing started. I was involved with this to reclaim my home and it really felt like I was taking back power in a productive way. He ended up blessing us and the house before he left and the other two are going to send me any other evidence they caught on tape.

I definitely went through physical and mental changes through the blessing. When he was closing portals, the temperature in my house rose and it got so hot. Usually my house is freezing so this was weird for me. Then right before the blessing started, I felt completely drained. I had a horrible head and neck ache that came on all the sudden. As it started though, I felt my strength come back and I was able to really help throughout it. Afterwards, my house feels lighter and more peaceful. The temperature is more consistent than it ever has been before too.

So do I think it was helpful? Absolutely. It’s just happened and I think I need to wait a few weeks, but for now it has.

In regards to one of my biggest fears, pushing Jensen out, the medium gave me some solace. He let me know Jensen passed through when he died, but he is one of my spirit guides. Whenever I need him, I can just picture him in my head or talk to him and he’ll be right here.

Just knowing he moved on and is safe was such a good feeling for me. I want him around me always, but I never wanted him to be stuck. It makes me smile to know that he comes here and wants to help me. I’ve always known he’s been nearby, but it was nice hearing it from someone else. Not everyone believes in an afterlife or spirits or any of this, but if you do, I think this brings some peace of mind about loved ones. I know it did for me.

As we move forward, I hope my house is just safe for Mila. If this gets rid of her nightmares, I’ll be so happy. I’m also looking forward to see how it’ll affect me and maybe my anxiety and depression too. As always, I’ll keep you updated with anything that happens onwards.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! If you’ve ever done anything like this, I’d love for you to share your experience in the comments or in an email. I’m curious to see if anyone else had a similar situation.

Toddler Friendly Summer Bucket List – Bubbles

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This world is but a canvas to our imagination.

–Henry David Thoreau

In the thick of motherhood, I can get caught up with trying to carry the world on my shoulders. Between being a mom, writing papers for school, working, and trying to keep up with housework, I sometimes forget how the world must seem to Mila. She’s helped bring the color back in my life and smile at the little things, but I wish I could slow down.

We’ve been super busy the last few days. Mila’s routine is all out of whack and our sleep schedule is way off. Yesterday we were able to slow down a little bit. After a typical morning and midday walk, she took a long two hour nap. During that time, I was looking at pictures from last year and realized how fast everything’s going. She’s gotten so big in the last month and is saying so many words. Mila is all the things I dreamed about, but I want time to slow down… just a little bit.

After waking up, she pointed to the door and wanted to go outside. She played with the neighbor kids until it started storming. We had dinner and instead of just rushing our nighttime routine, I just wanted more of her.

I showed her bubbles last week, but didn’t have the chance to really play with them. They’ve been on my counter and she points to them while I make breakfast in the mornings. When I showed them to her last night and told her we were going outside, she was so excited.

When making this bucket list, I didn’t really realize how each item would make me feel. They’re all different experiences that she’s briefly or never encountered. Although we’re only on the second one, I love being able to introduce her to the world around us.

I loved watching her try to blow bubbles out of the wand. Spoiler alert: she got more in her mouth and all over her body than actually making bubbles. Then with every bubble I blew, she loved chasing them. I wonder what her thoughts were with them. It really brought me back to being a kid again with all the wonder and imagination that’s little ones have.

One day she’ll think blowing bubbles and hanging out with me is lame. She won’t be as surprised or intrigued in these little wonders. They grow up so fast and the world doesn’t let them stay young for long.

I hope that day doesn’t come for years and years, but for now, I’m going to try and slow down with her. I want to be amazed by the bubbles in the world and slow down time for us both. When that day eventually comes, I hope she remembers these type of memories we created because I know I’ll never forget them.

Two out of many experiences are checked off our bucket list. If you created a summer bucket list, which items have you checked off?

Toddler Friendly Summer Bucket List – Pool Day

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After the turbulent week we had with the two Mila injuries, I’m HAPPY to say that the first weekend of summer went wonderfully for us!

Fortunately, Mila has had no problem with her eye and has been her usual busy self. I’ll quickly say that most of the swelling around her eye and forehead has went down. Her eyelid is still a very dark purple and a little swollen. It’s starting to turn green on the outside, but she’s really doing awesome. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and prayers, I know she was feeling them!

Although I was content with staying home and letting her rest the last few days, she was determined to go outside. In true summer fashion and wanting to mark items off our summer bucket list, we turned out pool day to a pool weekend.

I’ve always said water is so healing. After Jensen was born I liked to just float or go kayaking. It helped me calm down and focus my energy. Last year with Mila, the pool was the one place where we could both just take a break. She’d stop crying as soon as we’d get in and that brought me relief too. Before we opened the pool, I was afraid she’d not like it as much this year and I’d have to warm her up to it.

Boy, those fears were way off.

This weekend Mila was jumping to me from off the deck and the steps. She’s kicking her feet and trying to move her arms to swim too. There were a couple times I let go of her by the wall (she had a swimming life vest on) and she swam right to where she needed to grab on to. I’m pretty impressed and so glad she likes it as much as I do. Two of the days, we had her big cousins come over. She liked to ‘race’ them to the duck and then throw it to race again. When they left, she liked to try and keep it away from Finnick, my parent’s dog). She’s such a ball of energy. The only thing she absolutely refuses to do is let me float her on her back. She rolls and throws a fit, so I’m not pressuring her too much.

All in all, this specific bucket list experience was a success. I knew we’d get to it pretty quickly and we’ll probably have many more pool days this summer. As of this moment, I’m not entirely sure what the next box we’ll check off will be or really when either… Hey, it’s summer so we’re just going with the flow. Fingers crossed to no more ER visits and that Miss Mila’s eye will get better soon too.

I hope everyone had a great first weekend of summer. What fun things did you get into?

Mila: 0 – Kitchen Counter: 1

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***Warning- The pictures I’m going to post here are a little upsetting. There’s swelling and bruising on Mila’s face and I understand some can find them uncomfortable to see.***

I had this AMAZING idea the last week to try a new Pinterest recipe per week and share how it goes. Mila loves to watch and ‘help’ me cook, so I thought it’d be fun to do this with her too. For dinner last night, I decided to try out this kid-friendly (not spicy), Indian dish. I had everything cut, measured, and ready to go. As usual, Mila sat in her spot on the kitchen counter, which is in the corned where the countertop comes out furthest. She was pushed clear back and playing with the spice containers as I began cooking.

Everything was going normally. We do this for two meals a day since she’s been super steady. I didn’t even have a second thought when I turned around to grab the chicken from my island. When I looked at Mila, she was sitting happily. Then, literally, one second later, I turned around and heard a thump on the ground…

Instantly I knew she fell. I was scared to turn around, but I had to. She was laying there, conscious, and rolling on to her back. As soon as her eyes locked on to mine, she let out this blood curdling scream and I picked her up so fast. I went to our couch and held her close. She leaned back to look at me again and I realized she fell straight on her head; her left eyebrow in particular. It had already started swelling and was so red.

The only thing I could do in those first twenty minutes was just hold her and try to calm her down. She was scared and I’m guessing in a lot of pain. She still nurses so I offered her that and it helped a little. I could feel her sobbing in my arms and grabbed my phone to see what I should do. Family/friends messaged me back and I eventually called the nurses hotline, which they prompted me to take her to the ER to just get checked out. I did check her eyes to see if she had a concussion and after calming her down, she named who was in the pictures on the wall. This made me feel better, but seeing her eye get worse and worse I knew it was best to take her.

Thankfully my friend, Dana, was able to drive Mila and I to the hospital. I needed to sit in the back with her. One because she hates the car normally and two because I needed it for me. At the hospital, Mila wasn’t happy at all. She screamed at the nurses when they tried to get her blood pressure or if the touched her at all.

Again, I could finally get her calmed down enough and we stripped her down to her diaper. This made her happy of course, my little nudist. After throwing one more major fit when the nurse gave her Tylenol, she started playing and talking more. The same nurse who got to witness all the meltdowns gave Mila a stuffed, rainbow dog, which she LOVED. She played with the bed that reminded her of the lawn mower and reorganized some medical equipment I’m not sure she should have been playing with.

We were in the emergency room for a few hours for monitoring. The doctor was worried about a concussion, but when he observed her he realized that she was acting like a normal one year old and there was no way she’d stay still for any testing. He mentioned how he’d prefer to get an x-ray of her eyebrow bone (I’m aware that’s not the technical term, if you know it and let me know, I’ll change it on here), but told me to just keep an eye on it. She was discharged and I was given papers about head injuries, directions on how to keep the swelling down, and contact information if anything changes.

She went right to sleep on the car ride back and did well through the night. I was up for a lot of it, but wanted to make sure she was herself. I watched her facial expressions as she dreamed and there weren’t any nightmares tonight, just smiles. For that I’m so thankful.

Her face is very swollen this morning. I’ll be following her lead throughout the day and will constantly be offering snuggles. She’s so tough. I’d love to say it looks way worse than it feels, but I think she just is a little badass.

Honestly, I’m so afraid to share this with all of you. TWO DAYS IN A ROW she’s been hurt: one out of my control and the other I could have prevented. Accidents happen within seconds and they’re so unpredictable. Mila literally sits in that same place everyday and never tries to get up or if she wants to move, she tells me up. I would have NEVER thought she would try to stand up, but she did and she fell. It only took one second. I go back and think why was I so dumb? Why didn’t I just pick her up to grab what I needed? So much mom guilt and at this moment I feel like I deserve feeling like crap.

Here’s the thing, this stuff happens all the time to moms (dads and guardians too) everywhere. Kids fall, they get stung by bees, and way worse even under a watchful eye. I am so thankful nothing worse happened to Mila because it could have easily been a fall to her death. There are so many different way kids die and here I am, knowing this happens, but putting her in a situation like this. I honestly feel awful, but I know it doesn’t make me a bad mom. There’s going to be many more ER trips and thinking I could have prevented them. But things happen and that’s motherhood for me and childhood for her.

Will I ever let her sit up on the countertops without me being right in front of her? Probably not.
Am I going to forgive myself for letting this happen? Eventually.
Has it taught me that Mila is stronger than I ever imagined her to be? Hell yes.

Even though I was so scared to be judged to tell you about Mila’s fall, I think it’s important to show that motherhood’s not perfect. It’s not always how you plan it to go and bad things do happen. She’s going to be okay and will have no memory of it as she grows up. I’ll always remember this and will make me even more aware of what I do with her. Everyday I’m thankful for having her and think how much peace and happiness she’s brought me. I have no idea what I’d do without her and that’s why I feel so bad for this incident. But I already know she doesn’t think any less of me as she looks up at me (with her face half swollen) and smiles like I’m the only person in the world.

Thanks for reading and understanding everyone. I’ll still be posting a million pictures of her, like usual. Even with a puffy face, she’s the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Mila: 0 – Bee: 1

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I had something else planned to share today, but life always has its own plan. Today was one of those scary days when a moment happens and you question everything. Our moment wasn’t that big, but it did the trick.

Mila loves to be outside. She points to our door when we’re inside to let me know she’s ready to go play. When she has to go inside, she screams until she realizes she’s not going to win. I’m so happy she loves to be outside. On the flip side, Mila is fearless. She’s not afraid of heights, animals, the water… anything. I mean, she’s a little young to know real fear, but when something hurts her or if she falls, she just keeps redoing it. It’s a little scary for me, but I like her a little wild. I don’t play into things and just let her experience what she needs to. Obviously I don’t let her get injured, you all get the gist.

Anyways, today we went to my mom and dad’s house to help maintain the pool. They have a hot tub with steps that she loves to sit on. After playing for a little while and eating her snack, she took my mom over to the steps to sit with her. As soon as she swung her legs under them, she started screaming. Not an attention scream, but a ‘I’m really hurt, help me’ one. Mom instantly picked her up, brought her to me, and said a bee stung her. This is the first time (of many that’s sure to come) that she’s been stung. I just help her close and kept reassuring myself she would be okay.

Then that little voice in my head was playing tricks on me.

What if she’s allergic? She could die if she was. What if this is the last time you get to comfort her? My mom is allergic, is anyone else she’s related to? Please don’t let her die.

I put a strong outside appearance on, but I was terrified. Immediately, we tried to get the stinger out, washed it out, put a cold compression on it, then baking powder to stop the burn. After a few minutes she calmed down and wanted to walk. Her foot was bright red and swelled right up, but the swelling stopped at her ankle and she’s been fine since. My mom joked and said handled it better than she did, I can agree with that.

Now that she’s fine and I can take a deep breath, I realize how scary that was for me. I kept thinking about the movie “My Girl” and was so upset. Thoughts about what I’d do if Mila died went through my head.

Sometimes I wonder if these are just normal, mom thoughts. She’s my first living child and I know there’s a lot of worry with that. Then I think life is fragile and it sometimes ends just like that. I’ve been there. I lived that. That’s one of the lessons from Jensen dying that I’ve embraced. We make each day special because it could all just be done in an instant. I recognize this and I realize it’s okay to be scared when these things happen. Being scared to lose her isn’t so unbelievable for me, but I hope one day I don’t instantly have those thoughts.

So today the bee got Mila, but she took it with grace. I’m also proud of myself in how I was able to handle my thoughts and mothering her. Losing Jensen will always play into how I parent Mila and I think it’s made me an even better mom.

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Since it’s her first bee sting and I was paranoid the swelling would get worse, we took pictures of her foot. Her little foot was so hot, red, and swollen. Here’s a visual. It might make me look like I overreacted, but who cares.

Her little toes which are normally pretty skinny got so big. They’ll be normal by tomorrow. Thank goodness she can walk normally. She’s freak if she couldn’t run wild. Again, swelling has stopped and I’ve been putting wet baking powder on there to stop itching. If you have any other suggestions, let me know.

Our Toddler Friendly Summer Bucket List.

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This Friday, June 21, summer officially begins. Even though it’ll probably be raining or storming, I am so ready for warmer weather and sunshine.

Last summer, Mila and I were inside for a good portion of the time. I wasn’t super comfortable nursing her in front of people and at that time she was nursing every two hours on the dot. On top of that, she had horrible allergies last year. It felt like every every time we ventured out, she wheezed and her eyes would get so red; my poor girl. BUT this year, she’s been outside constantly and cries when we have to go inside. Since I know how much she enjoys getting out and doing things (minus the car ride, I have the one child who absolutely hates the car), I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before: a summer bucket list. 

With it just being Mila and I most of the time, I came up with a super toddler friendly list that I would feel 100% comfortable doing with just the two of us. A lot of activities aren’t costly and can be done anywhere. I have local places in mind to take her to, but I feel as if this could be adapted no matter where you live.

To be able to see our bucket list daily, the most obvious place to hang it up was on the refrigerator. Technically the side of it, but what better place, right? Anyways, the goal is to check every box on the list and document with pictures. I’m hoping to be able to make a photo book inspired by this little list and to make it our family tradition.

I know the picture can be kind of hard to read so to make it easier to see, I’ll list them here.

Summer Bucket List 2019

  • Beach Day
  • Blow Bubbles
  • Bonfire
  • Drive-in Movies
  • Feed Ducks
  • Fireworks
  • Go on a Hike
  • Lake Day
  • Visit a Library
  • Rainy Day at the Mall
  • Market Vibes (Go to a Farmer’s Market)
  • Museum
  • Random Act of Kindness
  • Outside Story Time
  • Visit Parks
  • Parade Time
  • Go on a Picnic
  • Pool day
  • Plant Flowers
  • Photo Booth
  • Paint Outside
  • Root Beer Stand
  • (OG) S’mores
  • Water Park
  • Zoo

I think the only one I will REALLY have to plan in the beach day. We did go to the beach in May, but I want to go back so bad. This will probably be a little tricky and hard to do just her and I, but I’m remaining positive and am going to start planning now. Maybe a birthday present to myself?

Anyways, cheers to summer finally being here. Of course I’ll be posting through every item we check off. Let’s hope by September 23, the end of summer, it’s complete!

Have you ever done a summer bucket list? Or have a bucket list in general? What other activities would you add to yours?

Oh Snap – Mila’s Current Words of Choice

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Over the last few months, Mila has discovered her voice. She’s always been pretty vocal, but she’s been remembering words and phrases. Her first word was cat, although I tried to get her to say and know ‘mama’ before any. She knows peoples names, random animals, ‘lo’ for hello, and a lot more. Before we left for vacation last month, she even started saying ‘uh oh’ in context. Seriously was the cutest thing, until she started throwing things on purpose and redeeming herself by saying it. She’s cute and she knows how to work it.

I mean, look at her.

Shortly after we got home, Mila learned a new phrase… one not so Rated G. I can finally mark down her first swear word. Anytime she drops something, trips, or someone startled her, her eyes get big and she says, ‘oh shit.’ At first I thought it was a fluke, then she just kept saying it. I can’t lie, I totally laughed when she started saying it and people usually do when they hear her say it. Hopefully this little phrase won’t stick and the next one will be just as cute, but a touch more innocent.

But for now, here she is saying her current favorite words. I’ll keep secretively giggling and persuading her to say ‘uh oh’ to her face instead.

 

Distractions.

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My body knows April is approaching.

Honestly, it’s like I have this internal clock that just relives these last weeks I had with Jensen. They’re all happy memories, but the build up to the big day is still so dreadful. It feels like something else bad is going to happen or my body and mind dealt with the worst trauma during this time that triggers everything to be… weird.

I can remember in the early days, I always heard how everything would be better with time. A part of me wanted to believe it. How could someone live with that intense of grief for their entire life? Another part of me thought it’d be awful to lose that connection with Jensen. It’s not that I wanted to be a zombie like I was, but I didn’t want to let go of any of the pain. So, where are we almost three years out? It’s not better. It’s different, but not less. I wonder what he’d be doing or looking like everyday. It’s hard when people ask me if Mila has siblings and I’m unsure if I want to see the look of horror on their face or not. Losing a child isn’t just a thing that happened in someone’s life, they carry it with them everywhere they go.

Lately, I haven’t been sleeping. It’s sort of a new March tradition in my life. Near his first birthday, I had a lot of nightmares. I don’t remember if I wrote about any of them here, but they still haunt me. I’d wake up in a cold sweat and would just not go back to sleep. I haven’t had a nightmare about Jensen since then, but they were awful. It had to be a mix of not knowing what to expect on his big day and just the fear of time moving on. Then last year, when I was pregnant with Mila, I didn’t sleep for like an entire month. I would only get like two to four hours a day. I was processing another year without Jensen and trying to manage my grief with this new life inside me. Then I was in constant fear of her dying. I kept reliving how it felt when he died in my stomach. Anytime I felt like she had gone limp (she was probably sleeping), I’d nudge her and just tell her to move so I could relax for five minutes. I hope she never has to feel that panic or fear in her life.

Somehow now I’m three years out and still not able to sleep. It’s almost one now and Mila’s fast asleep beside me as I type away. Since last week, I felt myself staying up longer and waking up through the night. I think deep down I’m terrified of those nightmares coming back. It’s been two years since I had them and I can still see them play out. I’m also trying to be so positive with her first birthday coming up. She deserves a happy mom and I am a good majority of the time. I just hate knowing my child died and there are days when her smiling face doesn’t even put a dent in how badly that hurts. It’s a terrible feeling and makes me feel like a bad mom to them both.

Now that I think of it, it’s not like I’ve been physically tired during this time when I haven’t slept. My body just turns on autopilot and does what it needs to. If only I could figure out how to do that with my thoughts.

Anyways, I wanted to write today because noticing the lack of sleep and realizing I was distracting myself from thoughts made me realize this is how my depression/grief plays out. Every year, it’s the same. The only outlet I’ve had is this right here. Instead of making something for Mila’s party tonight, I’ve been trying to connect and do what’s best for my mental health… easier said than done.

I don’t know about other loss parents, but finding an outlet and some healthy distractions have helped get from day to day. Writing has always helped me. That’s why I have a stack of journals beside my bed and I’m writing now. When I heard that Jeremy Richman, a dad who lost his daughter, Avielle, in the Sandy Hook school shootings, committed suicide this morning, I just felt it. It being his pain and just feeling out of control. I feel for his wife and other child. My friend, Amber, actually told me about what happened and to check out his haikus too. I read through all the ones he had pictures for and they just echoed through me. Like, how many people just suffer and feel like they’re losing grasp of it? I mean, I do. If I didn’t, I don’t think I’d be awake right now and distracting myself even further from going to bed…

There were three that stuck out to me the most, you can find all of them on his Facebook page, here. I’m going to copy and paste his words. I didn’t know this person, but I don’t think he’d mind if I shared his words on here (mostly because they were public on his page, but I think he’d like to know his thoughts really made an impact on someone who is also grieving).

Untitled on July 4, 2014

Miss my hummingbird

She is everywhere I look

But nowhere I am

Untitled on August 22, 2014

The mirror reflects

A face I don’t recognize

Have you seen my ghost?

Untitled on August 29, 2014

Another first day

Lost in empty yellow space

Haunted by echos

Since Jensen’s been born, I’ve always said I wish I could live on an island with a community of people who’ve lost a child. Everyone would understand. There would be someone to always listen if you needed and if you were having days like the ones I’m having, they’d be patient and help you get to the next day. I know that’s impossible. Maybe this online community is our virtual island where we get to do our best from afar.

And maybe, I’m just distracting myself from feeling what I need to feel and giving my body the rest it deserves.

Mila reading her big brother’s book. She helps heal me in more ways than she’ll ever understand.

3.21.2019

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There were a lot of world and national “holidays” that were recognized today. Of course today was 3.21.2019, which is World Down Syndrome Day. If you’re not familiar with Jensen’s story, after his anatomy scan, they told us he would have Down syndrome. This day took on a different meaning for me. Every year, I rock my socks with Jensen bear and now with Mila too (I posted a picture of all of us on Instagram, which is hilarious because Mila kept ripping Jensen bear’s socks off). It’s another thing that Jensen has brought to our little family that I’ll definitely continue doing with Mila. I’d like her to learn all about Jensen AND appreciate the fact that every single person is different in the world. Instead of looking at these differences like they’re bad, we should honor and celebrate them.

Although I knew one of today’s celebration, I learned another too. It’s National Single Parent’s Day. I didn’t really think much of it after I first heard, then it made me really think. Everyday, it’s just Mila and I. Yes, we have an awesome family and Jensen always in our hearts, but I’m her one and only.

I haven’t really thought about how it’s just me for a long time. In the beginning, Mila cried constantly and I would think how badly I needed a break or just a second to take a breath. Parenting after loss and being a new mom was difficult for those first few months. Then there’s times I wish I could share her new things she does or all the pictures I take with someone. I didn’t plan everything that I’ve been through in this crazy life, but especially not this.

Tonight when I was giving Mila a bath, I really needed to use the restroom (TMI, sorry). I tried to wait till she was done playing in the water, but I couldn’t. It was so fun watching her splash and I didn’t want to end her fun. Weirdly, after knowing that there was this day for single parents, I was almost hyperaware of what our normal. I thought, if someone was here during this, she wouldn’t have to stop her fun because of me. It’s not disappointing to think about, but it’s almost like I think she’s missing out. Anyways, I wrap her up, but her in the bathroom sink and everything is normal. I could tell she wanted to go back in the bath and play, so I did something different. Instead of waiting to take a shower after she went to sleep, I just brought her in with me. Something that I couldn’t do before, I was able to now. And let me tell you, in that exact moment, I was so glad no one was here with me.

I got to hold her and really look at her discover something new. She liked how each bottle made different noises and how the water felt on her arm. When she saw me wash my hair, she wanted to help out. It was a whole new adventure for her to be in there with me and it was just as new for me too. I got to see how the water droplets hit and stayed on her face. Then after I would try to wipe them off, she’d stick her face right back in it. When she was experimenting with the noises, I really got to stare her eyes. Who knew trying to really look at your kid’s eyes would be so hard, but I finally got to really look at them. A light brown on the inside then darken up to a deep blue ring on the outside.

And to think I would have never gotten those moments with her if things weren’t different. It also makes me wonder how I missed moments like these with Jensen, so getting them with her is just extra special.

After our shower, I got her in her jammies and read the same book twenty-five times. We crawled into bed after all the reading was done. I laid there, playing with her hair and just reflected on everything that her and I have: a house that we love and is perfect for us, food that I love making for her, a comfy bed, Jensen watching over us, a family who loves us, and most importantly each other. I love where we are in life, even the hard moments.

I’m unsure what the future holds, but I do know we’re going to be perfectly fine. Being a parent no matter if you have a partner or not is full of ups and downs, but so worth it. Everyday I just look at her and am so happy she’s physically here with me because I live the other part of my motherhood not being able to see my son grow. Jensen taught me to never wish a moment away and it really prepared me for Mila. I’m so thankful for all the responsibility I have in raising her. Yes, it means less sleep, less time to myself, less (sometimes) sanity. It also means, I get to feel and have all the pride, all the time, and all the love.

Anxiety.

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Dear Mila,

If a person could feel their mother’s emotions in the womb, you’d know all about anxiety.

I never used to be an anxious person before. Of course I worried about trivial things all children and teenagers face, but nothing like I’ve experienced now.

The first time I had an anxiety attack is when we found out Jensen had Down syndrome. I didn’t expect any ‘abnormalities’ in any of the tests with him. In my naive mind, nothing bad ever happened to babies or pregnant women. You probably think that’s crazy since you know how paranoid I am about pregnancy in general. Anyways, after those results, I couldn’t catch my breath and it felt like the world was sitting on my chest. After a few days, that anxiety went away. He was mine. I would do anything in my power to give him the bed of everything. So, I did what I do best and prepared.

It wasn’t until a few months later that I had my second ever anxiety attack. When we found out Jensen was gone, I fell apart. I guess it was like a major life attack. My blood pressure spiked, my vision went black, and I couldn’t catch my breath. Life felt like that for months after abs sometimes still does…

Nothing traumatic had ever happened in my life before that. I didn’t have any reason to worry about things before. My mind didn’t overwork. Then, as with everything, my world flipped upside down.

I worried every time my phone rang or if someone didn’t text back quick. Then I went through a stage where I didn’t care about anything. My anxiety flipped-flopped like that until I got pregnant with you. Then a new type of anxiety slapped me in the face: pregnancy after loss.

Everyday I woke up wondering if this would be the day you would be gone. When you hit big enough, I’d poke my belly until I felt you moving, then could breathe for a little while. I didn’t sleep much. My mind went through every horrible scenario. At every appointment, I asked my doctor if this anxiety was good for you and that I just needed you to be born alive. They knew all about Jensen so they didn’t think I was extra crazy for bringing it up each time.

With your birth, the anxiety of my body failing ended. You were here and in my arms. The longer you looked at me, the less I felt that anxiety.

Now that your here, I worry about other things, but it’s different. I’m not sure how to explain it.

As a mom and especially a loss mom, I’ll always have anxiety. I worry about you when you sleep, when I’m in the shower, or anytime I’m not holding you. It’s just because I love you so much and want you to be safe.

I hope you never experience the trauma and anxiety I went through with stillbirth. Even though I would never trade your brother or my time with him, I wouldn’t wish the aftermath of the mental madness of child loss on anyone. With that being said, when you are feeling anxious about whatever you’re going through during your life, I’ll help you make it through. I’m always here to listen and if you want my advice I’ll give it to you. One of my jobs for the rest of my life is to comfort you, even when you’re a grown woman facing this big world.

One of the things Jensen taught me that I’m able to teach you is that we can make it through anything. All it takes is a lot of love and a little patience.

I love you.

Mama