Tag Archives: pictures

The Battle.

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Have you ever watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2? At the very end of the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry and Voldemort battle. They jump of a tower at the school and during the sequence you can see the two merging into one another. It’s a really beautiful part of cinematography, but I’ll get back to that part in a second. When they both finally get back on the group, they start the real fight. *An Obvious Spoiler Alert* Harry’s good magic eventually beats out the evil. In the books Voldemort just dies and his body hits the ground, but in the movie he kind of crumbles and turns to ask then floats away. I think they did it that way in the movie because it ‘looked’ better. Right now, I’m thankful they did it that way…

I keep saying I feel like I’m stuck in my body. Maybe I’ve written about it here too, but I know I say it quite frequently. It didn’t really hit me to what I meant until Anthony and I re-watched the series again. At first I was bothered because it looked like how I imagine cremation going, but then it really represented what I keep saying. I don’t think I’m evil or anything, but gosh if it was that easy to just crumble up and be free. My insides feel like they continuously are burning and turning to ash. It hurts to be inside my body and the part where his face sinks in and breaks is how I feel. Actually, I think if I read or heard anyone explain that they feel like they’re movie Voldemort dying, I’d be concerned. But in that moment, it just made sense. It looked like relief.

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Pain and grief effing suck.

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He Paints the Sky.

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The sky was painted for me last night.

How do I know it was painted for me? Because of all the colors in the universe, he chose his favorite two. The two that decorated his room: orange and blue. He spilled them out for me as he guided and protected me on my way back home. Instead of finger paintings on the fridge, Jensen paints the whole sky for me.

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laurelbox.

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I love sharing the many different ways I get to honor and remember Jensen with, as well as what helps me through my grief. Today I got my birthday present, from myself, from laurelbox. I’ve been eyeing up a bunch of their items from their page and finally broke down and ordered my favorite two. I was so blown away by the presentation when I opened the box and all the little details of everything.

laurelbox was created by two cousins, Denise and Johanna, after seeing friends go through the aftereffects of loss. They wanted to create comfort in a box for others to purchase for their friends to help ease grief. You can find more about them, here. Their website allows the purchaser to pick from prepared boxes or customized boxes and also to just pick out certain items to purchase, which is what I did. They have items ranging from tea towels to necklaces to tea collections. Each are so adorable.

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blink-182

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The humidity was high, darkness set in, and you could feel the buzz from excitement as the lights scattered. First the drums set in, followed by the guitar, and then the screams of people who so patiently waited for the main act to begin. Music filled the air and everyone joined in singing along with him. I knew all the words, but at that exact moment where everyone was so in the moment, my thoughts turned to you. My eyes filled with tears that on your day that I wanted to celebrate you, I was at a concert that I’ve wanted to go to for so long.

There I was crying and thinking how I would never, ever be able to take you to your first concert. I would never get to see that look in your eye when you see your favorite band go on the stage. The expression when you hear the first note to your favorite song that I would have heard you sing over and over again. Would you belt out every word and dance to the beat, like I do? I’ll never know those little details. Maybe most people don’t wonder about that little moment until that happens. But as I stood there, I remembered him always kicking to the beat of every song we listened to. He loved my horrible singing and kicked even more when I would dance along with him.

In that split second of the first song starting and all those thoughts running in my head, I knew Jensen was there with me. I felt him, waiting to hear me sing along with Mark and Matt and most definitely embarrass his dad and uncle Logan as I danced crazily. Even if I’ll never be able to see Jensen at his first concert, he was definitely there and I already know what he would be like. His eyes would grow wide and he’d look over at me excitedly. Each time he knew a song he would yell over the title of it then start shaking his head from side to side as he sung it. His feet would constantly be stepping from side to side and he would sing. Probably as horrible as I would, but it would be the sweetest sound to me ear.

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The Hurt in Healing.

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Today started off like any other day. I woke up, touched Jensen’s urn, and thanked God I made it through another night. When I was out of bed, I talked to Jensen and told him what I had planned for the rest of the day: work, therapy, clean the house, and then the blink-182 concert tonight. The morning went seemingly ‘normal,’ until it came time for therapy. That’s when I learned about the hurt in healing.

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My favorite little button nose.

It hit me, today is Tuesday. My son died on a Tuesday and it wasn’t the first thing that popped in my mind. It’s been eighteen weeks and that doom that I’ve felt on every Tuesday since he’s been born, skipped today. Honestly, I didn’t even process this usually huge trigger day, until I was mid-conversation with my counselor. I was talking about healing and trying my best to continue moving forward in this life after loss. Then I realized I’m healing more than I realize each day. Instead of doom, I felt thankful to be alive and that I was able to touch Jensen’s urn. Instead of crying all morning, I talked to Jensen about what I’m looking forward to doing in the day. This Tuesday wasn’t as heavy as any other one.

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The Evolution of a Relationship After Loss.

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Relationships are hard, especially after losing a child you both created and loved so much. There are a lot of couples that break up after loss for a variety of reasons. Many argue because they don’t grieve the same way or they’re terrified to move forward in continuing their family. No matter what, the couple has to decide whether to stay together or part ways. As Anthony and I go through month four after losing Jensen, our relationship continues to evolve in different ways. From personal emotions to thinking about our forever without our son, not every conversation is easy. But, we grow each day and involve Jensen in our daily lives.

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From my experience these six things have helped us stay strong during our hardest time and have evolved from the beginning of our relationship…

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Four Months & Jensen’s Tree

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It’s taken me all day to write this, so I’m going to start off with what will be less of an emotional toll for me…

We bought a tree! Well, more like we donated a tree to the Gnadenhutten Nature Center in Jensen’s name. Jensen’s tree is a Red Jewel Crabapple tree that attracts birds, pollinate the area, and looks beautiful.

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We have been wanting to plant a tree in our backyard in honor of Jensen and do a memorial garden around it, but the locus deterred us from doing that this year. Anyways, since the locus are gone, we were happy to donate a tree in his name for the community. It’s just down the road from us and we can go visit him there. Since we had Jensen cremated, he’s always right there with me. It’s nice to be able to go to a place and feel connected to him. We’re planning on getting a stone with his name on there to place in front of his tree.

 

His tree is placed right in front where everyone can see it. I hope I can come back to his spot in twenty years and the tree is just so big. Maybe he’ll send us cardinals and blue jays. I can see us going down and having a picnic there and just basking in the peace. We donated his tree yesterday and have ridden our bikes to see it four times already. I know Anthony and I are just so happy to be able to do something in Jensen’s name, especially helping out the community and the nature center.

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We have probably fifty more pictures of the tree, us and the tree, and the sunset in the background with the tree. It’s pretty silly, but we just love seeing it there. I hope it’ll bring joy to others when they see it as well. I’d also like to say, the two gentlemen that planted the tree and play a major part in this project were so nice and genuine. From the time I contacted them to dropping his tree off, they were so nice to stay in contact with and help out. If you’re local, I hope you can go check it out!

Now to the hard part. I’ve been trying to find words all day to explain how I’m feeling and coping. Nothing seems to fully capture everything, but I’m going to try my hardest.

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The Importance of the Loss Community.

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During the car ride home after Jensen had been born, I felt completely alone. My mom and dad had no idea what I was going through or even what to say. Not only did I know anyone who went through a stillbirth, but feeling the emptiness that Jensen had filled just the day before hurt so much. I know Mom and Dad were talking on the car ride home, I sat there not hearing a word they were saying and completely silent. My thoughts were so jumbled. It would feel so real when I got home without Jensen. Where would I go from that point? Is this whole experience even normal? Am I normal? Am I alone in all of this? These thoughts came and went constantly for the first few weeks.

After Jensen’s obituary, that I still have not allowed myself to read, was in the newspaper, I got one of the most important messages in my life. A girl, I knew back from high school, reached out and opened up about her experience with loss. She introduced me to a local loss group and told me I wasn’t alone. I saw that there were so many people in my small area that are on this journey with me. It was my first experience with this community and I can never thank her enough for the introduction.

Honestly, at first I felt so naive to think that I was the only person to go through this loss, then the pain of knowing so many others have kept me up all night. Well I wasn’t sleeping at all, but that first night I kept thinking, “How can this world hold so much pain?” I held on to that question through Jensen’s funeral and till about his first month in heaven. I didn’t even have the strength to look and see everyone’s story after that first experience of feeling everything so deeply. It wasn’t until Anthony went back to work and my first therapy session, that I actually saw the importance of the loss community.

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Forget-Me-Not

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One of my favorite necklaces I’ve ever purchased. Inside is a pressed forget-me-not flower with Jensen’s handwritten name. It’s the perfect length and I love the antiqued brass finish. The snap is a strong magnet and after a day of moving and jumping around, it stayed perfectly. Thank you Jessica and Melissa!

My new, beautiful necklace on this (almost) Wordless Wednesday.

Created and purchased from BurdenBearingBaskets.

Seventeen Weeks & The Biggest Trigger.

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As you all know, Tuesdays are the roughest days for me. I woke up in disbelief that today marks Jensen’s seventeenth week in heaven. The past few days, I’ve been preparing myself for Friday, the four-month mark. For some reason I just didn’t mentally prepare like I usually do. I’ve felt dizzy all day and am just trying not to break down in tears every second. It’s so much harder to fight grief and emotions off when you’re physically and mentally tired, it just floods your system.

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Last night I dreamt of Jensen as an angel. He was constantly around me, but I could never reach out and grab him. I could just see him smiling at me and guiding me on. In my dreams, Jensen grows to what I would imagine his age now. His cheeks were still big, he had a big Buddha belly, and chunky legs. He looked happy to be watching over me, but I thought he was upset that I couldn’t hold him. All I could tell him was that I loved him and I’m trying my very hardest to be the best mommy I could. Oh how I wish I would have just been able to grab him and wake up with him in my arms. Instead, I woke up crying. My face was wet and everything hit all over again.

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