It’s taken me all day to write this, so I’m going to start off with what will be less of an emotional toll for me…
We bought a tree! Well, more like we donated a tree to the Gnadenhutten Nature Center in Jensen’s name. Jensen’s tree is a Red Jewel Crabapple tree that attracts birds, pollinate the area, and looks beautiful.
We have been wanting to plant a tree in our backyard in honor of Jensen and do a memorial garden around it, but the locus deterred us from doing that this year. Anyways, since the locus are gone, we were happy to donate a tree in his name for the community. It’s just down the road from us and we can go visit him there. Since we had Jensen cremated, he’s always right there with me. It’s nice to be able to go to a place and feel connected to him. We’re planning on getting a stone with his name on there to place in front of his tree.
His tree is placed right in front where everyone can see it. I hope I can come back to his spot in twenty years and the tree is just so big. Maybe he’ll send us cardinals and blue jays. I can see us going down and having a picnic there and just basking in the peace. We donated his tree yesterday and have ridden our bikes to see it four times already. I know Anthony and I are just so happy to be able to do something in Jensen’s name, especially helping out the community and the nature center.
We have probably fifty more pictures of the tree, us and the tree, and the sunset in the background with the tree. It’s pretty silly, but we just love seeing it there. I hope it’ll bring joy to others when they see it as well. I’d also like to say, the two gentlemen that planted the tree and play a major part in this project were so nice and genuine. From the time I contacted them to dropping his tree off, they were so nice to stay in contact with and help out. If you’re local, I hope you can go check it out!
Now to the hard part. I’ve been trying to find words all day to explain how I’m feeling and coping. Nothing seems to fully capture everything, but I’m going to try my hardest.
I’m hurting today. I don’t want to say more than other days, but it’s been one of the hardest. Tears have been falling all day and I haven’t tried to stop it. Unfortunately, I was alone for most of the day, since Anthony had to work and my mom is sick. Being alone after loss is so hard, especially on trigger days. It’s even more lonesome because I looked for him every second. All I wanted to do is rip my soul out of my skin so I could be at peace. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I’m in this body. I’m never hungry or thirsty. I’m tired, but can never fall asleep. It feels like I’m trapped here and I can’t do anything about it.
The self loathing and distrust I have for my body is overwhelming. I felt like my body failed me four months ago. It feels as if it killed Jensen and therefore it feels like I killed him. Even though I know deep down, I didn’t do anything wrong. I know if I had the choice, I would have done whatever to save him. If my body couldn’t keep my baby alive, how is it even keeping me alive since I’m not doing anything to nourish it? It confuses me and I’m so angry at myself, especially on days like today when I want to be happy and celebrating with Jensen.
My exhausted brain cannot keep up with itself. Words rushed into my head, then vanished when I went to write everything down. Made me even more frustrating. I looked through Jensen’s pictures. Saw his ultrasounds, the different outfits I wanted him to be wearing, and his hospital pictures. He is so adorable with his chubby cheeks, you can even see them from his ultrasounds. I saw the outfit I had picked out for him to wear from the hospital. It says, “This guy loves his mom.” I can remember buying it with Anthony and telling him Jensen would be wearing that during our hospital stay because he would be a momma’s boy. He never got to wear it. It’s still tucked away in his diaper bag, everything perfectly packed and waiting to be used.
Even if I’d ever have another little boy, they would never ever wear this outfit. This is Jensen’s. I pictured him wearing it and he most definitely should have. I’ve been trying to cut out saying ‘should,’ but this warrants one.
After my breakdown from seeing this picture, I binge watched Netflix until Anthony came home. I forgot to make dinner for us, hence the not being hungry part of grief. How horrible of a girlfriend am I to not make him dinner after he was at work all day? It’s just another way I feel like I’ve failed myself and my family today. Grief brought me down so many notches today. It hurts feeling all of this pain at all times of the day.
Yet, here I am. I’m surviving by the love I have for Jensen. I keep going because he was here, he existed, and brought so much love to Anthony and I’s life. He’s all that I ever hoped for and more. I just wish he was here for so much longer than he was. I thank God for Jensen’s life every day. Most days I think Jensen sends me signs to cheer me up and let me know he’s thinking about me. Today he sent me Anthony.
It’s funny because Anthony is usually always with me unless he’s at work. But today he came home just at the right time. No, I didn’t have dinner done, but it didn’t bother him. As I cried and told him I felt like a failure and all the things that troubled me today, he listened. We rode our bikes all around town and to Jensen’s tree. He patiently helped me each time my handlebars went askew. When we played Pokemon Go, he would let me know when one popped up so I could catch it. He’s such an amazing boyfriend and father. Jensen loved him so very much, I could tell from each of his kicks.
Today was long and rough, but we made it to the end. Harry Potter plays in the background as I type away. The cats are playing in front of the TV while Anthony gets more and more into how the movie will end. To anyone else, it would seem like a pretty decent Friday night. They wouldn’t feel the overall sense of loss and see the missing part of our family of three. Jensen’s flame dances on the table in front of us, bringing a sense of peace to all the chaos of the day. My brain is letting the words come and there’s an overall sense of peace in the air.
My sweet, little love is celebrating his fourth month in heaven. I imagine he’s spoiled rotten and is being rocked to sleep right now. I’m sure he’d have these huge open mouth yawns and want his hands right by his mouth. There’s this huge part of me that believes he’d be a thumb sucker. I know he spent most day being sung to by angels, like he does most days. When he wasn’t being snuggled and sung to, he was here with me. Collecting all my tears and wanting me to know he was safe and that he’ll be with me each day. It’s been a year of nonstop love going his way and it’ll continue for the rest of my life.