May We All Heal | Tree 

I am like a tree.

Jagged and pointy on the inside. Trying to figure out what needs to go where and hoping it will all end up in the right place. Some branches grow thick and long. Others do the opposite. The inside is full of the ruggedness of grief. It’s dark, but trying to make everything right.

Blossoming and lively on the outside. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, I am healing. When I look in the mirror I see a more colorful face. I’m wanting to grow more and show everyone that even though it is madness on the inside, life and loss have made me grow into the person I am today.

Leaves falling to get rid of the negative. The bad comments or why I feel when someone forgets about Jensen. I try to let them fall away because they’re only in the way of other beautiful things.

Inside the trunk of the tree lays rings. When you inspect them, you can find thick and thin breaks between the lines. Each tells a story about how the tree was in certain years. My post loss trunk is small. It’s stretched thin from the neglect I’ve put on myself. I hope when I look back, I don’t criticize its thinness, but rather be happy that I made it that far.

But no matter how I grow thick lively rings or if a new branch comes to join me, Jensen is supporting me. Always. Like a tree needing help when it first is planted, that’s what he’s done for me; because it sure feels like I’ve been planted into a new life. A new world. He lets me know he’s there, cheering me on and sending his love. He is my son and one of the biggest parts of me. His life and impact is most definitely my favorite part of this crazy story called life.

Four Months & Jensen’s Tree

 

It’s taken me all day to write this, so I’m going to start off with what will be less of an emotional toll for me…

We bought a tree! Well, more like we donated a tree to the Gnadenhutten Nature Center in Jensen’s name. Jensen’s tree is a Red Jewel Crabapple tree that attracts birds, pollinate the area, and looks beautiful.

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We have been wanting to plant a tree in our backyard in honor of Jensen and do a memorial garden around it, but the locus deterred us from doing that this year. Anyways, since the locus are gone, we were happy to donate a tree in his name for the community. It’s just down the road from us and we can go visit him there. Since we had Jensen cremated, he’s always right there with me. It’s nice to be able to go to a place and feel connected to him. We’re planning on getting a stone with his name on there to place in front of his tree.

 

His tree is placed right in front where everyone can see it. I hope I can come back to his spot in twenty years and the tree is just so big. Maybe he’ll send us cardinals and blue jays. I can see us going down and having a picnic there and just basking in the peace. We donated his tree yesterday and have ridden our bikes to see it four times already. I know Anthony and I are just so happy to be able to do something in Jensen’s name, especially helping out the community and the nature center.

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We have probably fifty more pictures of the tree, us and the tree, and the sunset in the background with the tree. It’s pretty silly, but we just love seeing it there. I hope it’ll bring joy to others when they see it as well. I’d also like to say, the two gentlemen that planted the tree and play a major part in this project were so nice and genuine. From the time I contacted them to dropping his tree off, they were so nice to stay in contact with and help out. If you’re local, I hope you can go check it out!

Now to the hard part. I’ve been trying to find words all day to explain how I’m feeling and coping. Nothing seems to fully capture everything, but I’m going to try my hardest.

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