Schwinn Sunday.

Posted on August 1, 2016 by danielleridgway

Today I did something I didn’t think I would have done for about five years; I bought a bike.

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I have a horrible track record with bikes. Unfortunately, I’ve been hit by a car while riding a bike three times. This was all about ten years ago, but I still don’t actively go out and try to get hit. Each time I’ve flew off, went airborne, and hit the ground so hard. Once, I even blacked out for about five minutes. The last time I got hit, I swore that I would never own or ride another bike in my entire life. Well, I broke my promise to myself.

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MISS Foundation Kindness Project

Posted on July 27, 2016 by danielleridgway

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Today I decided to participate in the MISS Foundation’s Kindness Project. Since I have complete social anxiety after Jensen’s birth, I had to be creative in what I did. First, I got Jensen’s Random Act of Kindness cards and set off from home. I ended up buying colorful flowers, since they reminded me of him. Most of them were blue and orange just like his room, with some yellow and green ones too. Then I stopped at Applebee’s to get two gift cards, since Jensen loved Applebee’s and their Fiesta Lime Chicken. Then the real journey began…

I probably drove around for an hour, having a complete anxiety attack. So to save me from the breakdown, I decided to leave the bouquets and gift cards are people’s windshields. I drove around searching, still sort of freaking out. Then I just parked in a lot, saw someone walk in to the post office, ran to her car, placed the flowers and ran back. It happened so quick. I can imagine people were just laughing at me. I stayed for a little bit to see if she got them. Sure enough, she put them in her car and drove away. It was a hectic three minutes for me though. I felt like a complete stalker. The other two bouquets and gift cards went way easier. AND I didn’t stay around and feel like a stalker waiting.

Hopefully Jensen’s story reached them and our little random act of kindness made their day just a little better. If Jensen and I were able to make someone smile today, my anxiety attack and worries were worth it.

I’m sure Jensen was up there laughing at his momma running frantically back and forth. It’s all for you, little love.

Sixteen Weeks & Some Good News.

Posted on July 26, 2016 by danielleridgway

Today is rough. I’ve already had three major breakdowns and it’s only two o’clock. I woke up in disbelief that it’s really been sixteen weeks since Jensen’s birth. Then a huge rush of emotions and the stresses of everyday life beyond grief. I’m hurting and missing him so much today; and everyday.

On top of missing him and going through all my emotions and grief, I still have to work. This may be complaining, but it’s hard. It’s hard to want to actually work and do good for myself when Jensen’s not there motivating me. Through grief I’ve learned that one little stress multiplies to a breakdown. It can be something as little as my phone buzzing too much or the cat running under my feet. After the little stress, grief barges through the hole and drowns me. But here I am, still treading and doing the best I can be doing.

I think about how next week I’ll hit the four-month mark. August is going to be a whirlwind of emotions from that milestone to my birthday at the end of the month. August brings in the school year and just starts to things that I have no control over. Time sucks during grief. You want it to move forward, but you’re just grasping to go back in time when they were still with you. This is the cycle that’s constantly going through my head and today I just can’t push it back.

I’m thankful for certain messages and text I’ve received today. It lets me know that all of these feelings and emotions and desires to have him back are completely normal. More importantly, it lets me know that I’m not going crazy. I also have something else going on right now that I’m excited to announce…

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Why I Can’t ‘Like’ Your Thriving Child.

Posted on July 25, 2016 by danielleridgway

I’m sorry, I really am.

I see your beautiful sons and daughters getting bigger and doing new things, but I can’t ‘like’ the post. But I do like, even love, them in my heart, it even brings me a little smile. Children should grow and discover new parts of the world every single day. Each step they take is a milestone and every time they learn something new it should be celebrated. I completely understand why you want to share with the whole entire world, but I can’t bring myself to show how I care.

It only takes two seconds to press a button, but it’s so hard for me to acknowledge your child is thriving and mine is not here. I’ve neglected my role as a friend when it comes to others having children. I hurt inside knowing that I can never show how proud I am when Jensen does something new. I’ll never be able to record his first steps or how he smashes into his first birthday cake. My firstborn will never get a first day of school picture or a time-lapse from the beginning to the end of the year. I see all of these from all my friends and I’m truly happy for you, but it breaks my heart at the same time.

Some call it jealousy or being bitter. I admit, there’s jealousy that Jensen didn’t come out kicking and screaming and I can’t pull out my phone and show you any videos of him. There’s jealousy in never being able to share those big moments, especially when his milestone days come and he’s still not with me.

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The Story Behind Jensen’s Name.

Posted on July 22, 2016 by danielleridgway

If you hadn’t noticed, I love Jensen’s name. His name sounds so beautifully when said out loud and the loops look so perfect wrote out. When I hear other’s say his name, it’s the sweetest sound. He always was my Jensen, even before we knew he was a boy. It’s been our connection to him from the start.

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After being asked about his name, I realized I’ve never really told you the story behind his name. Fair warning, it’s not as exciting as you would think. It’s actually a little silly, but it all came together so perfectly.

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Just Listen & Six Other Ways to Help a Friend After Loss.

Posted on July 21, 2016 by danielleridgway

As I head into the fourth month of love and loss, I’ve learned a lot about how other’s see and understand grief. In this time, I can honestly say, our society doesn’t prepare us to help others after any type loss. Before Jensen was born, I had no idea how to help someone going through any type of loss. Sometimes, even now, I still don’t know what do say or how to help someone.

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and causes colossal pain. No two people experience grief the same exact way, which makes it even harder for friends and family. I recently read an article that said grief, especially after losing a child, lasts a lifetime. Yes, there’s good days and people learn how to live and manage the sadness, but it is always there. A child is gone. It isn’t something you can just get over, ever.

This list consists of things I would have or liked having in the past fifteen weeks. I’m sure the further I journey through the grief the less I’ll need some of these, but I know loss happens everyday. I hope this list can potentially help other mommas navigating this journey.

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Grief Work in a Nutshell.

Posted on July 20, 2016 by danielleridgway

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

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What I need on my rough days: hot tea, Jensen’s name, writing, and support books.

*Personalized stamped spoon from jessicandesigns.

Fifteen Weeks & The Painted Name Project.

Posted on July 19, 2016 by danielleridgway

It feels unreal that another week has came and passed. It’s the fifteenth week since Jensen has been born. One-hundred and five days have passed. On day one-hundred, I felt the biggest pain, triple digits was hard to wrap my mind around. How could it seem like it was yesterday when he was dancing and moving all around? Seriously, I don’t understand how all of this can be possible. But each day I wake up and rediscover my reality.

I feel like I could go on and on and on about all I wanted to do with Jensen or how I feel like my whole entire future was stolen away from me. Today I’m choosing to have a positive day, even though I want to hide in bed. I know he continues to guide me each day and protect me. He dances in the clouds each and every Tuesday, while he celebrates getting bigger in heaven. In my heaven, he grows until I get up there with him. Then we both go back to being twenty-two and him just born. When I reunite with him there, I want him to be screaming as loud as he can be. My heaven does not include silence.

In this world, I don’t want to keep silent either. I will always say Jensen’s name and keep talking about baby and child loss. It’s really unheard of until it happens to you or someone you know. Believe me, there’s a whole community of parents, grandparents, and other families that are effected by losing a child. Stillbirth results in 1 in 160 pregnancies and baby loss ranging from miscarriage to SIDS happens to 1 in 4. I hope to be able to help every single family out there in just a small way and maybe one day I will.

Today, in honor of Jensen’s fifteenth week in heaven, I want to share a beautiful project that my little Jensen helped to inspire.

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One Year Ago – Wordless Wednesday

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Fourteen Weeks.

Posted on July 12, 2016 by danielleridgway

Tuesday, we meet yet again. Instead of the happiness of each passing week I wanted with Jensen, I get further away from my last connection to him. I wish I could say each lessens the pain, but it doesn’t. Moving forward and processing grief is more complicated than that. His absence is so loud and the only thing I can focus on, especially on Tuesdays. I can imagine him everywhere I go, so I’ve been trying to fill the blank spaces with what reminds me of him. Continuously incorporating him so beautifully into our home and always in our hearts.

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Today I can’t keep my eyes off of his new block; his ‘J’ block. It stays in our living room, where his swing would be. I look over there and imagine him so happy and content going back and forth. Then when I’m spiraling into the darkest parts, I look
at his block. His initial means so much to me. Anthony call him Baby J as soon as we found out he was our little boy. I feel like once I got pregnant, J’s popped up everywhere. It seems fitting to keep them in our house and all around me. Even after we have his pictures hanging up, his J will always hold so much hope and happiness for me.