Today is rough. I’ve already had three major breakdowns and it’s only two o’clock. I woke up in disbelief that it’s really been sixteen weeks since Jensen’s birth. Then a huge rush of emotions and the stresses of everyday life beyond grief. I’m hurting and missing him so much today; and everyday.
On top of missing him and going through all my emotions and grief, I still have to work. This may be complaining, but it’s hard. It’s hard to want to actually work and do good for myself when Jensen’s not there motivating me. Through grief I’ve learned that one little stress multiplies to a breakdown. It can be something as little as my phone buzzing too much or the cat running under my feet. After the little stress, grief barges through the hole and drowns me. But here I am, still treading and doing the best I can be doing.
I think about how next week I’ll hit the four-month mark. August is going to be a whirlwind of emotions from that milestone to my birthday at the end of the month. August brings in the school year and just starts to things that I have no control over. Time sucks during grief. You want it to move forward, but you’re just grasping to go back in time when they were still with you. This is the cycle that’s constantly going through my head and today I just can’t push it back.
I’m thankful for certain messages and text I’ve received today. It lets me know that all of these feelings and emotions and desires to have him back are completely normal. More importantly, it lets me know that I’m not going crazy. I also have something else going on right now that I’m excited to announce…
I was offered a position to be a monthly contributor for Still Mothers. It’s an online source for mothers without living children that provides articles and other resources for help. Honestly, having this resource has helped me know I’m not alone and I read other’s words and sometimes it’s exactly what I’m thinking. Just knowing there’s other moms out there that have walked this path helps me realize that all of this treading in water, feeling of being crazy, and just purely missing Jensen is okay. Anyways, each month I’ll have an article posted on their site. I’m on their contributor page and am able to write about this experience in efforts to help other mommas out.
For me this reaffirms that during these (what I think) crazy ramblings, I’m actually getting somewhere. I’m helping myself go through my grief work and I hope with all my might that I’m helping other women. Each day my heart breaks again and again for me and knowing that others are feeling the same way. I really don’t understand how this earth can hold so much hurt. On top of all of that, I’m happy I can do this for Jensen. His story, like all the angels, is so important. He is my biggest motivator and his life has brought me a love I could never have imagined.
I’ve actually wrote two guests post for them and they have been on their site. Originally they were meant for here, but I thought they were important enough to share on their site. But I’m going to link them here. I’ll also have a page where all my articles will be stored so people can just click my link and see everything I’ve written before. It’s sort of crazy to see my name beside author, but it’s always been a dream of mine. Really, it’s bittersweet for me to look forward to this opportunity. I hate that it’s presented because Jensen died, but unfortunately this is my reality. Jensen would want me to be able to write and help other moms out. I’m just happy something good is coming from him passing. Here is the link to my page with the other posts I’ve done for them.
For the rest of the day a candle will be lit in the house. I’ll be looking through Jensen’s ultrasound and hospital pictures and just remembering all the good he brought in my life. I’m going to imagine him celebrating in heaven and sending so many positive vibes my way; that’s just ho good of a little boy he is. I don’t like to ask for much, but if any of you get a chance tonight, light a candle for Jensen and me. Hopefully he’ll be able to see all the light he brings to the world and he’ll be able to send that warmth over to me.
Happy sixteen weeks in heaven, little love. You are so cared for and wanted each and every second of the day. I hope you look down tonight and see the light and warmth that I’ll be sending up to you. It’s as everlasting as my love for you.