Today I did something I didn’t think I would have done for about five years; I bought a bike.

I have a horrible track record with bikes. Unfortunately, I’ve been hit by a car while riding a bike three times. This was all about ten years ago, but I still don’t actively go out and try to get hit. Each time I’ve flew off, went airborne, and hit the ground so hard. Once, I even blacked out for about five minutes. The last time I got hit, I swore that I would never own or ride another bike in my entire life. Well, I broke my promise to myself.

When I found out I was pregnant with Jensen, I thought about teaching him everything I could. Teaching him how to ride a bike would have been a fun moment, but I would always be afraid he would get hit too. I imagined helping him balance, while we went up the alley to visit my parents. Then, when he finally learned how to ride by himself, I would have to get a bike to keep up with him. I didn’t imagine that day being until he was five years old or so. Maybe it would have even been his fifth birthday gift and I know he would want to have his mommy close by him while he went.

Honestly, I would have been so scared to ride alongside him. What if I crashed into him? Or what if I couldn’t help him do what he needed to do? I’m sure he would have ridden circles around me though. He wouldn’t have thought twice about just getting on the bike and riding away.I think about riding along side with him and just being so proud that he would be doing so well and not having any fear. Just another memory I was really looking forward to. I think it’s a memory every parents dreams about…

Well, here I am. Anthony and I decided to buy our bikes instead of going on our thirty minute, mental health walk. Walking was hard for me because I wanted to be pushing his stroller. It was hard not to be doing something with my hands during our walk. Now we’ll have our thirty minute, mental health bike ride now. I didn’t even fall or crash during our bike ride tonight. The wind was whipping my hair all around and I felt some peace while not getting hit by a car. As peaceful as the ride was, there was an overall presence of longing for the moment I always dreamed. I kept feeling like I was riding my bike five years too soon.

All these new things I buy or experience without Jensen is so eerie. It makes me breakdown afterwards and feel like a crazy person. Crazy for that longing of having him do all the things I wanted and absolutely knowing I’ll never have them. It hurts and it sucks. I know the more we go out and ride them, the better I’ll eventually end up feeling. The funny thing is, I know he’s right there with me. For me, and I know some other loss moms have said the same thing, I feel much more connected to Jensen when I’m outside. The sky looks like a painted picture done just for me. Butterflies and birds will come close to me. A lot of those signs happen outside. It’s just a bittersweet feeling.

I’m missing him, as I do every single second of the day. Anthony put on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on, since it’s Harry Potter’s birthday and all. We try anything we can do on nights like these to make us feel something besides overall sadness. It doesn’t help that tonight is the last day of the month and I know the four-month mark is quickly approaching, but we’ll take each day as it comes. We’ll ride our bikes and keep celebrating Jensen’s life and the impact it has on us each day.