And then, she was five.

April 14, 2018 is another day that changed my life forever. Mila was born.

Photo by Katie Finnicum from Simplicity of Grace

The second hardest experience of my life was pregnancy after loss. Every day I was pregnant with Mila, I thought she was going to die. I didn’t sleep and constantly worried.I was never hungry and whenever I forced myself to eat, nothing tasted good. I was constantly in pain and had terrible anxiety and depression… but it was all worth it.

I remember almost everything about being pregnant with Mila. I willed myself too because my memory is so choppy around Jensen. We had a lot of appointments and ultrasounds. They couldn’t take my blood pressure until after I either saw her heart beating on the screen or heard it. As soon I as I did, I could just enjoy the moment and focus on how magical she made me feel. I even remember every time we had an ultrasound she was pointing her feet like a little ballerina… I guess you can say she didn’t just become a dancer, she always was one.

The moment she was born, it was silent. I knew that silence and was terrified. Then a few second later, she started crying and has really never stopped crying, talking, or singing since then.

Only a few days old.

I wish I could say my anxiety and depression stopped after she was born… it didn’t. I pictured her dying in my head constantly. If I walked through a doorway, I saw her head getting hit. When she was in the bassinet, I saw her getting caught in it and not being able to get out. I pictured her falling or people dropping her when they held her. I felt insane. On top of that I was dealing with what’s his name. I was not in a healthy state personally, but I did my best to be the mom she deserved.

If anyone asks me, I’ll say that first year was the hardest and at year five of parenting my rainbow baby, I still stand by that. Being a mom is hard, but that first year of highs and lows connected us more than I could have ever imagined.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this. I never truly deep dived in what happened in that first year on here. But I think it’s important to know, especially when I get to talking about her.

It’s been five yers since her grand entrance and I can honestly say her and Jensen are my greatest gifts. I would not be here today if it wasn’t for Mila. That’s a lot for a five year old to hold, but she doesn’t know. Maybe one day she will, but it’s not her job. To me, she lights up the world. I might have brought her to life, but she gave me back mine. I will never be able to thank her enough. That’s probably why I’m so extra with her, lol.

At five, here are things I want to remember about her or what I’d want her to look back and know.

  • That she dances any time she hears music, no matter where she may be and I love watching her.
  • One time at tumble practice this year, Mila’s tumble coach came out to let me know that during her water break, she somehow snuck in fingernail polish and started painting her nails… during practice!
  • Speaking of the above, she is an incredible packer. If she has pockets or a bag, I have to check them in case she brings something she’s not allowed, but she seems to always sneak it anyways.
  • She is so smart and can spell all the colors.
  • Her heart is the size of all the oceans combined. She is so empathetic and cares about every person, animal, and plant.
  • Once, she cried when we sold a plant because she was going to miss it so much.
  • She is creative. Not only in dance, but she makes up songs, is a really awesome drawer (but doesn’t like coloring), and can tell such good stories. Plus, she is crafty and loves painting and helping me make things.
  • She hates her hair brushed, but loves her long Rapunzel hair.
  • She still loves the beach and going on vacations.
  • Our hand squeezes.
  • She hates waking up in the morning, but is excited for kindergarten (I am not).
  • She is a people person who loves her friends and family.
  • Her choice words. She sometimes uses ‘colorful’ words and when I try to correct her she’ll tell me, “mom, they’re only words.’
  • She loves to have spa days and will steal Josh’s cucumbers for our eyes.
  • She’s going to miss being four, but is happy to make a new growth mark on the doorway trim.

I could probably go on and on, but those are the main ones popping in my head tonight.

Mila’s First Birthday

As I’m winding down, looking through all our pictures, and realizing I’m saying way too much — I guess what just keeps going through my mind is how proud I am of my five year old.

I’m proud of the little woman she’s becoming. I’m proud of how headstrong she is. I’m proud of her smarts. I’m proud of her outgoingness. I’m proud of her love. I’m proud of every single thing about her and I know that’ll continue for as long as I live.

Happy FIFTH birthday, Mila. You deserve the world and the entire universe.
I am so glad Jensen picked you for me and I’ll always love you more.


2 thoughts on “And then, she was five.

  1. This post meant a lot to me and also described exactly how I felt when I had my son, Scott, after the loss of my first son, Noah. The first year was sooo hard. Countless times I would stare at Scott in his crib while he was sleeping and just be staring for his chest to rise and fall so I knew he was still breathing and safe. Also liked you described the pregnancy with him so so difficult because I was so fearful of him dying. I’m sending love and positive thoughts to you and your beautiful daughter. Scott also loves to dance and that brings me so much happiness too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing Scott and Noah with me. I always watched her chest rise and fall too. Or would be so restless because I just had to make sure she was breathing while she slept.

      The fear of them dying is terrible. I actually still have it, just not as constant. I’m supposed to send Mila to kinder next year and I’m so scared she won’t be safe. It’s so confusing.

      Love that Scott loves to dance. I’ve always pictured Jensen dancing right alongside Mila while she danced. I think as parents who have had a child die, seeing those moments feels so sweet when your living child can just be happy.

      Sending you all so much love and positive thoughts.


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