Tag Archives: process

Sweet Love.

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At this time one month ago, I was leaving the hospital without a baby. I’d only given birth to Jensen 15 hours beforehand. The nurse wheeled me out the back way of the maternity wing. I hate to think of how many other mothers had to go down this hallway without their baby. I can just remember all the tears flooding my eyes. I was supposed to leave the hospital with my son. My whole body and insides ached. Not from physically giving birth, but knowing I was leaving a huge part of myself behind.

Besides not leaving the hospital with Jensen was the looks the happy family in the waiting room gave me. They obviously saw my tears. They were obviously about to get the best news, a new, healthy baby. Then they saw me. Their looks haunt me still…

I was the reality of what could go wrong.

Today not only marks one month since Jensen has been gone, but I’m halfway through my Share Your Mother Heart prompts.Screen Shot 2016-05-05 at 7.24.00 PM.png

I’ve never questioned what motherhood was, even from an early age. My mom has poured love into my brother and I’s lives. Every time we leave the room we say we love each other. She would do anything for me, all because she loves me. I’m made of her and I’ll always be apart of her no matter how far I go. Even on the horrible day she gets to see Jensen again in heaven, I’ll always have her love.

When I got pregnant with Jensen, I was in love. When I found out he was a boy, I was still in love. As he grew everyday in my belly, I was still in love. When I found out the angels came and got him, I was still in love. When I delivered him in the silent hospital room, I was still in love. When I was wheeled through the back way of the maternity ward, I was still in love. When I went to my son’s funeral, I was still in love. Last night when I was terrified to go to sleep because I didn’t want him to be gone for one month, I was still in love. As I find the words to write, I’m still in love.

The common theme of all different types of motherhood is love. No, I’m not able to parent Jensen the way I dreamed. Believe me, I would do anything to have him here. It still does not discount the fact that I love him till my last breath. Each day of this writing journey, I’ve wrote about my endless love for Jensen. Even though I have faced this horrible tragedy and I grieve so deeply everyday, I would not feel this way if love was not there. Instead of being angry, depressed, and feeling hopeless every second of the day, I choose to feel the lasting love I have for Jensen and my motherhood.

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All About Jensen.

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The one person I could talk about for the rest of my life is my little man. I have so many memories from being pregnant with Jensen. In the 38 weeks he was in my womb, I have a clear picture of all the trouble my little boy would be causing. Good trouble, of course.

This week has been unexplainably hard. Tomorrow is the one month mark. One month since Baby Jensen went to heaven. I’ve been very emotional and in pain. Thankfully today’s prompt is my favorite yet; to brag all about my Jensen.

Day Four’s prompt…

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What was he/she like?
What were your dreams for him/her/them?
Who were they/who do you believe they would have been?

Jensen Grey had a multitude of moods, emotions, likes and dislikes. He would let his momma know his feelings right away on everything. Most of the time he was lazy and was stuck on my right side, with his butt on the top of my belly so I could pat him. When he would hear music, I could feel him dancing. It didn’t matter if it was his mommy singing, the radio, or when we went to church. He loved to be read to and when his daddy kissed my belly. Jensen was such a happy little guy.

He could also be pretty stubborn. He got that from both Anthony and I. For the Aultman ultrasound girls he would pose, move, and practice what he needed when they asked. I remember one time the girl said, “I got his profile, but it would be really nice if he would turn so we could see the front of his face.” Not two seconds after she said it, there he turned. When we would lay down in bed, he HATED when I laid on my right side. He would twist and turn uncomfortably until I flipped to my left side. He usually got what he wanted.

Some foods he loved and others he hated. The second trimester he wouldn’t let me eat before 10am. He hated eggs at first, Arby’s the whole time, and pepper soup that his grandma made. I usually just trusted my cravings as what he wanted. He would kick away for chocolate milk, cereal, Nutella, and Burger King. I swear I would’ve had to keep him away from junk food. On the other hand, he really liked salads and green apples. He would just kick and kick when it was time to eat.

There’s so much more about his personality. He was truly the best. He was also the cutest.

Even though for 38 weeks I mostly saw this from him…

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I dreamed and dreamed of what Jensen would look like. I pictured dark hair, big lips, and a big nose for some reason. I thought he would be a BIG baby. He weighed ahead when we got our measurements. In actuality, he had blond hair and mostly looked like his mom. His hair was curly like his daddy’s. He had a little button nose, pretty big lips, his mom’s forehead and chin. Absolutely beautiful. He had his mom’s feet and toes. His hands were big, but chubby. He weighed 7 pounds and 1 ounce and was 19 3/4 inches long. I’m sure his eyes were brown just like Anthony and I’s. I feel like since he looked so much like me, he probably would’ve acted like Anthony. No matter what, he was perfect.

He would have been stylish. Momma bought him a whole wardrobe, probably way too much stuff for one little boy. He would have been so kissable. I’m sure his hair would’ve got darker as he got older. I know his face would be changing by now and I would have loved to see if he would’ve stayed looking like me or just morphed into his own little self. I would’ve loved a mini-me.

Most of all I think Jensen would have been a little lover. I say that because when I would talk to him, he would cozy up and not kick while I talked. After I was done he would kick wanted me to talk to him more and rub my belly. He loved when his kitty Poe and puppies Finnick and Sarge were laying beside him. When his grandma and grandpa were talking, he would listen and not kick until they were done. He always kicked when he heard his Uncle Logan. He loved when kids were around me; kicking as they yelled and played. My Jensen is the best little love.

Jensen is and always will be my perfect baby boy.

Being Seen.

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I never knew four weeks could feel like forty years at one second, then only seem like one day a second later. It’s been twenty-eight days since Jensen has been gone. Some mornings I wonder if I woke up from the nightmare and other mornings it’s like getting slapped in the face. Today was a slap in the face; just as physical slaps in the face, it stings afterwards.

Today was overwhelming for me. I’m grief stricken and felt anger, sadness, helplessness, guilty, and vulnerability. All those in one day are hard to handle. Yet, I’m still here. I feel Jensen near my heart and see his little ultrasound pictures smiling at me. Reminding me he’s here watching over his momma, now and always.

He will always see me as a mother, which leads to Day Three.

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In what ways have others seen and acknowledged your motherhood?
How do you see yourself as a mother?
In what ways is your motherhood visible?

Most of the time (like 99%) I see myself as a mother. I know I’ll always be Jensen’s mom. He was made of me, I delivered him, and love him. Since he’s not here physically, I can’t be the traditional mom I wanted to be. I see myself as mother now by saying Jensen’s name, writing about him, and sharing our experience. There’s still a bond between us even though Jensen is in heaven, a mother’s love is unbreakable. Not only emotionally do I feel like a mother, but physically. I see the stretch marks, my face changing, and my body still feels like I should be nurturing a newborn. Today, it hurts as I’m typing this. My body tells me I should have my baby here and my brain knows he’s not here physically to be nurtured. Today is hard to be seen as a mother.

I feel like all moms have times where they think they’re not doing their best. Worries that their baby isn’t sleeping enough, growing as big as they should be, or not hitting all their milestones. Moms worry about their babies. I worry about him being in heaven. I worry he sees my guilt. I worry that he feels my sadness. I worry I can’t show him I love him enough. So I guess in that way I see myself as a mother.

To others, I think it is hard for them to see a mom without a living child as moms; not that they discredit me and others as mothers. If I go out to lunch or dinner for Mother’s Day on Sunday, will someone tell me “Happy Mother’s Day” with a big smile? I get support from my friends and family, they speak Jensen’s name and listen to my worries. Comments on my blog let people say how much love I have for Jensen and how proud he is of me. That makes me smile and feel like I’m doing a good job in this journey of motherhood.

Then I question myself…
Does Anthony see himself as a father? Do my parents see themselves as grandparents? Does my brother see himself as an uncle? Am I really seen as a mother?

That’s how bad my grief makes me question myself and others.

Then I question… Does Jensen see me as his mother?

That answer is yes.
I see Anthony as a father. I see my parents as grandparents. I see my brother as an uncle. I see myself as a mother.

My motherhood is visible to others because I let it be. For other people, I won’t let them question if I am or not. I share my love for Jensen and I’ll tell anyone his story. For ten months I carried him, cared for him, and made sure he was one happy little boy.

The pure existence of my son makes me a mother. Everyday I’m proud of that.

Motherhood Reimagined.

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When I found out Jensen was a boy, I was overjoyed. I imagined him playing football, getting dirty, and playing rough outside. At my house, I planned on getting a big window in the back door so I could look outback to watch him play in the mud. I pictured us sitting outside together looking at the stars. When he was older, running in and out of the back door and eventually sneaking in and out. Those are just some of the dreams I had for him, with just the backyard. I would be his number one cheerleader, nurse, and above all his mother.

With all my dreams for him, I imagined me being the best momma for him. Whatever he needed me to be, I would. Of course, he would be made to listen and respect his parents and everyone else. Imagining his journey through infancy to adulthood, I also imagined myself as a mother growing with his needs. When I lost Jensen, I lost all my dreams for him and the biggest part of myself. I lost him, made of me, and I lost a certain identity I had for myself for the past ten months.

Which brings me to Day Two of this ten-day journey…

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In what ways are you still the mother you thought you’d be?
In what ways does she still live on?

Today marks 27 days since Jensen was born and 27 days since he’s been gone. I never imagined losing him or imagined this is the journey my motherhood with lead me to. Four weeks with a baby means sleepless nights, countless diapers, and endless love. Motherhood with a newborn baby is messy. I imagined myself with the messiness right now and knowing the messiness would lead to a dramatic toddler and then a curious child and then a know-it-all teenager to adulthood. Instead, motherhood after a baby born asleep includes sleepless nights, countless tissues, and endless love; some the same, mostly different. My sleepless nights include countless tissues. I’m up wondering why, crying, and just remembering my Jensen. Some nights are harder than others and I know there will be good nights and horrible nights in my future. I’ve went through so many boxes of tissues. There are times when there are constant flows of tears and there’s other where I have to share tissues with those around me when I’m talking about Jensen. But there is never a lack of love I have for him. It is an endless love as I know all mothers have for their child. It’s the love my mother had for me growing up till now.

As I ponder on today’s questions I have to remember what I imagined before the unthinkable and compare them with my thoughts now. The reoccurring theme in both is love.

When I wake up each morning and am talking to Jensen, I could easily just stay in bed each day. I don’t. I think and often say out loud, Jensen wouldn’t me like this. He wouldn’t want me to give up on all my dreams and hopes. He wouldn’t want me to be laying in bed all day. He wants me to have that big, windowed backdoor. He wants me to grow as a mother for him. He doesn’t need me to care for him as a mom would care for a newborn. He still needs the love, but he needs to see me growing. All of these dreams, all of this grief, all of Jensen was made from love. Him and it is my motivation to get out of bed every morning. To go get that big, windowed back door. To grow and explore in this new type of motherhood. Most importantly, to keep loving him and letting everyone know how loved my Jensen is.

It’s our love for each other that makes me the mother I’d always had imagined myself being.

Bereaved Mother’s Day.

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For the next ten days, I have decided to participate in a journey to explore my motherhood after losing Jensen. It’s on an online community for mother’s without living children that I joined named: Share Your Mother Heart. Since it’s almost been four weeks since Jensen was born, I thought it would be good to document this ten day journey. Since it’s still such raw grief that I’m feeling, I want to be able to reflect on this next year and the year after that to see how I’ve progressed. Plus, just exploring new topics in my early stages of motherhood will be beneficial to me.

Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day and it’s my first one. Before Jensen, I never knew there was such a thing called Bereaved Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, Jensen is in heaven and I’m learning new facts about stillbirths.

Now on to today’s prompt…

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What does it mean to you to “honor your motherhood?”
What would help you feel like your motherhood is being honored?
What can you do today, on Bereaved Mother’s Day, to honor your motherhood?

My first Bereaved Mother’s Day started off like the other 25 days Jensen has passed, I told Jensen how much I loved him and spent a few minutes talking to him. I let my parents know about today and knew it would be a trigger day for me. They understood and talked to me about Jensen, like they do most days. We smiled talking about my pregnancy and how adorable Jensen was. They took me to the movies to watch Keanu, since Jensen loved going to the movies and his kitty Poe. We went to Applebee’s and I got his favorite meal from there, Fiesta Lime Chicken. They steered me out of the ways from triggers and made sure I was comfortable all day. The only thing I wanted of course was my Baby J. Now I’m writing this blog, remembering him more and honoring me as a mother. I feel like today my family and I did a great job of honoring Jensen and my motherhood.

What does it mean to “honor my motherhood?” It means to always say Jensen’s name. To let everyone know his story. Just because he isn’t here with me physically does not mean I do not love him less than a mom with living children. It means to feel like I did my best in provided Jensen the best in his time with me. It means not blaming myself for what happened to him. It means being me. Since I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy to be a mommy. I took care of myself and in turn for him. I did everything for Jensen no matter what and I still do. I ask myself, “Would this make Jensen smile?” or “Would Jensen be happy with this decision?” It means grieving my son at my pace. It means when and if I do have other children to let them know their big brother is always there for them. He’s their and my guardian angel forever. It means unconditional love for my child, my precious Jensen.

To help me feel like my motherhood is honored everyday, it would take a village. Like everything in life, we all need support. The best way for others to help honor my motherhood would be to speak Jensen’s name to me, ask about him, and talk about him. For other’s to acknowledge I’m still a mom. When acknowledging my family, acknowledge him. If I have tears when I talk about him, know it’s tears of love. But also, for other’s to be okay if I’m not comfortable with a situation. My heart is heavy and I need time to grieve and not put myself in a vulnerable position. Just showing love to Jensen and I, listening, and being there for me honors my motherhood.

Honoring my motherhood means so much to me. The second I knew about Jensen, I wanted to be the best mother for him and I continue to want to be the best.

Firsts and Lasts.

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My Jensen had so many first.

First time he kicked, rolled over, and punched. He got his first kitty cat. His first room were in his colors, orange and navy blue. His first road trip was to Missouri. Jensen cheered on the Steelers at his first football game. He went to Gettysburg with his mommy and daddy for vacation. The first time he had Mexican food he hated it and let Mommy know instantly. There are so many first, but my favorite first was his first picture.

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He was just our little Bebe then, but this picture brought me so much hope and happiness for the future. I showed off his first ultrasound picture to his dad so proudly. We made this beautiful little human and here this baby is. I was so happy, words cannot describe.

Jensen had a lot of lasts too.

I can’t remember all his lasts because I thought we would be able to do it over and over again. Our last movie we saw together was Batman vs Superman at the movie theatre. The last book we read was Go Dog Go. The last night we had together was at his daddy’s house. The last restaurant we ate at was Red Lobster. I can remember the last chocolate milk we drank and his kicks of happiness. My favorite last was laying with him in my belly with his kitty beside him and me telling him I loved him, while singing a lullaby.

My one last I wish I had was his last picture.

When Jensen was born his dad and I didn’t get to see him. We made that hard decision for our  mental health. I don’t know if that was the right decision; I fight with myself over it every single day. I have a lock of his hair, foot and hand prints, and all his ultrasounds. Plus the perfect image in my head. In my mind, I see him breathing, moving, and listening for me. I couldn’t see him not breathing and lively as he had been the whole pregnancy. I was scared. His grandma and grandpa went to see him. They held him, kissed him, and told him they loved him. Angie, our nurse, took a bunch of pictures of him so we could have forever and look at them when we are ready. I don’t have those pictures yet, but I want his last picture.

I know he was beautiful. He was a little blondie, which makes me smile because his father and I have such dark hair. He had my little feet, big lips, and perfect button nose. My mom told me he was everything I described. My perfect little man.

Jensen Grey

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Pregnant.

One word can change two people’s lives forever. What better way for a mother-to-be to spend her birthday than knowing in nine short months she would have her bundle of joy.  As soon as this baby’s parents found out, they were overjoyed of course and quickly agreed to a baby boy’s name: Jensen Grey. The baby’s mom knew the baby was a boy before the doctor even told them. They dreamed of holding him, kissing him, and watching him grow. Their dreams for their perfect family had already began to unfold.

The mom-to-be ate healthy, took the prenatal vitamins, and went to every doctor appointment. At 17 weeks, they went for the anatomy scan. The BIG appointment; where you found out if you should be painting pink or blue. The baby’s mom already knew she should be painting blue, but this would confirm everything. Baby was not shy and showed everyone in the room that, in fact, he was a boy. Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa were all so happy to know they would have their Jensen Grey.

But Mom and Dad got more news than they would have liked. Instead of leaving the doctor’s office ecstatic they were their Jensen, they left scared. Baby Jensen was at increased percentage for Down syndrome. Mom and Dad were told all the bad things that revolved around Down syndrome. They didn’t let this bother them for too long; instead they researched and saw all the positives. The doctors still let them know the risks and even the increased risk of baby Jensen being stillborn. Mom didn’t think that was even possible.

Jensen thrived through all the ultrasounds. He moved when he was supposed to, stuck out his tongue for mom, and even practiced his breathing so perfectly. While Jensen was growing and getting strong inside his mommy’s belly, she got everything ready on the outside. She painted his nursery, bought everything he needed, and had a big baby shower to celebrate his life. Everything in life was going just as perfect as they planned. Their Baby J would be home so very soon.

On April 4, 2016, Mom and Dad went to go check up on Jensen to see how close he was to being born. Mom was 38 weeks with swollen feet and just ready to meet her little man. Everything about this day seemed to go normally, but they would soon find out it was not a normal day. Mom laid down for the ultrasound ready to hear the galloping heartbeat, but there was silence. The doctor was called into the room and they hurriedly looked at the ultrasound screen in frowns.

“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

One phrase can change two people’s lives forever.

Baby Jensen Grey was born asleep on April 5, 2016 at 4:25 in the morning. He was absolutely perfect weighing 7 pound 1 ounce and 19 3/4 inches long. Jensen shocked his mommy and daddy with blond hair, since they had dark hair. Baby was cleaned up and dressed, then nurse Angie took pictures for his mommy and daddy to always have. Later that night his mommy was sent back home to recover for the rest of the time. Although Jensen didn’t physically go home with him mommy and daddy, he now is always with them in their hearts.

This 48 hours was all a blur to Jensen’s mommy. At first she couldn’t remember it all, but it slowly comes back to her with each day. The fuzzy, grim phrase the doctor told them now screams in her ears. The empty belly aches of his loss. Her heart breaks more and more with every beat, wishing Jensen’s was beating more. After losing him, she is stuck in a tornado of grief only trying to remember the happy ultrasounds, Jensen’s hiccups, and her dreams for her baby.

My Jensen’s time here was short, but was filled with love. I remember his kicks when he got chocolate milk, turning his head for an ultrasound picture, and rolling to listen to his daddy read him stories before bed. His loss is unfathomable, no words can describe what it’s like without him. Jensen was my whole entire world.

As his mother, I know I have to go through this grief for Jensen. He only knew me as a happy person that would do anything for him. To keep his memory alive, I have decided to do a few things. First, to create this blog to cope with my grief. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and some of this process I think would be able to help other Mother’s of angel babies. Secondly, to help educate other’s on stillbirths and other topics of pregnancy and infant loss. I know I’m not an expert, but I am learning slowly and want to share what I am learning. It is important for other’s to know more of these topics since it’s usually never talked about and should be. Lastly, I want to take part in Random Acts of Kindness in Jensen Grey’s name. It is important to keep his memory alive in a positive way that’s inspired by ours and his love for each other.

I hope you follow me throughout my grieving process, participate in Random Acts of Kindness in Jensen’s name, and share his story. It’s a hard journey ahead, but my love for my Baby J gets me through today. I only hope that I am making him smile as he watches me from above.