For the next ten days, I have decided to participate in a journey to explore my motherhood after losing Jensen. It’s on an online community for mother’s without living children that I joined named: Share Your Mother Heart. Since it’s almost been four weeks since Jensen was born, I thought it would be good to document this ten day journey. Since it’s still such raw grief that I’m feeling, I want to be able to reflect on this next year and the year after that to see how I’ve progressed. Plus, just exploring new topics in my early stages of motherhood will be beneficial to me.
Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day and it’s my first one. Before Jensen, I never knew there was such a thing called Bereaved Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, Jensen is in heaven and I’m learning new facts about stillbirths.
Now on to today’s prompt…
What does it mean to you to “honor your motherhood?”
What would help you feel like your motherhood is being honored?
What can you do today, on Bereaved Mother’s Day, to honor your motherhood?
My first Bereaved Mother’s Day started off like the other 25 days Jensen has passed, I told Jensen how much I loved him and spent a few minutes talking to him. I let my parents know about today and knew it would be a trigger day for me. They understood and talked to me about Jensen, like they do most days. We smiled talking about my pregnancy and how adorable Jensen was. They took me to the movies to watch Keanu, since Jensen loved going to the movies and his kitty Poe. We went to Applebee’s and I got his favorite meal from there, Fiesta Lime Chicken. They steered me out of the ways from triggers and made sure I was comfortable all day. The only thing I wanted of course was my Baby J. Now I’m writing this blog, remembering him more and honoring me as a mother. I feel like today my family and I did a great job of honoring Jensen and my motherhood.
What does it mean to “honor my motherhood?” It means to always say Jensen’s name. To let everyone know his story. Just because he isn’t here with me physically does not mean I do not love him less than a mom with living children. It means to feel like I did my best in provided Jensen the best in his time with me. It means not blaming myself for what happened to him. It means being me. Since I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy to be a mommy. I took care of myself and in turn for him. I did everything for Jensen no matter what and I still do. I ask myself, “Would this make Jensen smile?” or “Would Jensen be happy with this decision?” It means grieving my son at my pace. It means when and if I do have other children to let them know their big brother is always there for them. He’s their and my guardian angel forever. It means unconditional love for my child, my precious Jensen.
To help me feel like my motherhood is honored everyday, it would take a village. Like everything in life, we all need support. The best way for others to help honor my motherhood would be to speak Jensen’s name to me, ask about him, and talk about him. For other’s to acknowledge I’m still a mom. When acknowledging my family, acknowledge him. If I have tears when I talk about him, know it’s tears of love. But also, for other’s to be okay if I’m not comfortable with a situation. My heart is heavy and I need time to grieve and not put myself in a vulnerable position. Just showing love to Jensen and I, listening, and being there for me honors my motherhood.
Honoring my motherhood means so much to me. The second I knew about Jensen, I wanted to be the best mother for him and I continue to want to be the best.