My Jensen had so many first.

First time he kicked, rolled over, and punched. He got his first kitty cat. His first room were in his colors, orange and navy blue. His first road trip was to Missouri. Jensen cheered on the Steelers at his first football game. He went to Gettysburg with his mommy and daddy for vacation. The first time he had Mexican food he hated it and let Mommy know instantly. There are so many first, but my favorite first was his first picture.

He was just our little Bebe then, but this picture brought me so much hope and happiness for the future. I showed off his first ultrasound picture to his dad so proudly. We made this beautiful little human and here this baby is. I was so happy, words cannot describe.

Jensen had a lot of lasts too.

I can’t remember all his lasts because I thought we would be able to do it over and over again. Our last movie we saw together was Batman vs Superman at the movie theatre. The last book we read was Go Dog Go. The last night we had together was at his daddy’s house. The last restaurant we ate at was Red Lobster. I can remember the last chocolate milk we drank and his kicks of happiness. My favorite last was laying with him in my belly with his kitty beside him and me telling him I loved him, while singing a lullaby.

My one last I wish I had was his last picture.

When Jensen was born his dad and I didn’t get to see him. We made that hard decision for our  mental health. I don’t know if that was the right decision; I fight with myself over it every single day. I have a lock of his hair, foot and hand prints, and all his ultrasounds. Plus the perfect image in my head. In my mind, I see him breathing, moving, and listening for me. I couldn’t see him not breathing and lively as he had been the whole pregnancy. I was scared. His grandma and grandpa went to see him. They held him, kissed him, and told him they loved him. Angie, our nurse, took a bunch of pictures of him so we could have forever and look at them when we are ready. I don’t have those pictures yet, but I want his last picture.

I know he was beautiful. He was a little blondie, which makes me smile because his father and I have such dark hair. He had my little feet, big lips, and perfect button nose. My mom told me he was everything I described. My perfect little man.