At this time one month ago, I was leaving the hospital without a baby. I’d only given birth to Jensen 15 hours beforehand. The nurse wheeled me out the back way of the maternity wing. I hate to think of how many other mothers had to go down this hallway without their baby. I can just remember all the tears flooding my eyes. I was supposed to leave the hospital with my son. My whole body and insides ached. Not from physically giving birth, but knowing I was leaving a huge part of myself behind.
Besides not leaving the hospital with Jensen was the looks the happy family in the waiting room gave me. They obviously saw my tears. They were obviously about to get the best news, a new, healthy baby. Then they saw me. Their looks haunt me still…
I was the reality of what could go wrong.
Today not only marks one month since Jensen has been gone, but I’m halfway through my Share Your Mother Heart prompts.
I’ve never questioned what motherhood was, even from an early age. My mom has poured love into my brother and I’s lives. Every time we leave the room we say we love each other. She would do anything for me, all because she loves me. I’m made of her and I’ll always be apart of her no matter how far I go. Even on the horrible day she gets to see Jensen again in heaven, I’ll always have her love.
When I got pregnant with Jensen, I was in love. When I found out he was a boy, I was still in love. As he grew everyday in my belly, I was still in love. When I found out the angels came and got him, I was still in love. When I delivered him in the silent hospital room, I was still in love. When I was wheeled through the back way of the maternity ward, I was still in love. When I went to my son’s funeral, I was still in love. Last night when I was terrified to go to sleep because I didn’t want him to be gone for one month, I was still in love. As I find the words to write, I’m still in love.
The common theme of all different types of motherhood is love. No, I’m not able to parent Jensen the way I dreamed. Believe me, I would do anything to have him here. It still does not discount the fact that I love him till my last breath. Each day of this writing journey, I’ve wrote about my endless love for Jensen. Even though I have faced this horrible tragedy and I grieve so deeply everyday, I would not feel this way if love was not there. Instead of being angry, depressed, and feeling hopeless every second of the day, I choose to feel the lasting love I have for Jensen and my motherhood.