I could hear his laughter.
I could know if his nose scrunches when he smiles.
I could see him chase after Leo and Poe.
I could hold him tight as he falls asleep in my arms.
I could teach him as a child.
I could hear his protests as a teenager.
I could be nervous the first time he drove a car.
I could help him get ready for prom.
I could cry as I sent him off to college.
I could have a mother and son dance with him.
I could collect all the memories we were supposed to have.
I could have stayed in our little infinity forever.
I could have got him out a week earlier.
I could have taken more bump pictures.
I could live to see a day where there is no loss.
I could take the pain away from every grieving parent.
I could bring their babies to them.
I could still feel blissfully ignorant concerning pregnancy and loss.
I would have held him.
I would have whispered in his ear how much I loved him.
I would have known.
for all the flowers he would have picked for me.
that I could have seen him wish all his wishes.
that my house wasn’t empty when I got home.
that he was somewhere for the day and at any moment they were going to drop him off.
he was here.
I wished for a love so big, so strong that nothing could ever come in between us. That wish came true, but I wish death didn’t have to get in the way.