Fall reminds me of Jensen.

The smell of the crisp air and the leaves changing from green to red to orange. He kicked me for the first time last fall. I remember that quickening and fell more and more in love with him. When I would walk and have the leaves crunch under me, I’d always press on my belly so I could feel him more. Usually when I’d place my hand there he’d float by real quick. The doctor always had a hard time finding him because he would be rolling in there. But I was able to see and hear his heartbeat every few weeks. It was perfect. This time last year, I was blissfully happy with how the world was turning around me.

I’ll never forgot those moments in my life and the fall will always remind me of them.

This summer I felt him with the waves of the water. He’s in every movement with nature. From the gentle breeze of the wind to the wings of a bird flying around. I get lost in my thoughts when I’m outside, not listening to anything and thinking of him. It’s all the dreams I wish I would have had with him there; raking up all the leaves and having him jump in them, getting dirt everywhere, and being soaked from the rain. In those moments I’m out there, I can just let them flood into my mind.

Music was always Jensen’s favorite thing. No matter the song, he’d literally dance away. His heaven is probably songs playing nonstop. There would be no silence or stillness around him, nothing like the way his body came into the earth like.

When I connect with him and his memory here, I listen to Of Monsters and Men. I’m sure when people are walking by my house they hear it playing loudly and me singing along. That’s what Jensen and I would listen to in the car, with the windows down. I felt they sounded like sweet lullabies to calm him. But when he wanted to dance, I’d put Usher on. He would move all around when he heard Usher. On the days where I can smile, I’ll put that on. It helps me enjoy it more when I can imagine Jensen’s spirit dancing all around me.