Today marks two-hundred days since Jensen’s birth.
It’s a crazy feeling knowing how many days have passed and comparing it to how I felt when I was two-hundred days pregnant with him. I can remember it like yesterday, but it feels so long. From then to now, I’m a completely different person. Which is completely understandable and it’s okay to just be this person I’m becoming.
But that’s another topic coming up on Capture Your Grief.
There’s so many pearls of wisdom I’ve come to know. I find comfort in E.E. Cummings poems and works. I’m constantly reading Lexi Behrndt’s blog, Scribbles and Crumbs. Emily Long’s books are always at arm’s length away from me. Every morning I read posts from Still Mothers and Still Standing. Those are just a few that are popping in my mind right now. Yet, they all bring me wisdom and comfort, even in the smallest ways. They let me know I’m not alone and many words that I’ve read have expanded my mind. I wish I could go and thank every single person that shares their story. It’s so brave and helps so many.
The past week I’ve been rereading and reflecting on a lot of what I’ve written in the past two-hundred days. There are so many words I’ve written that I forgot about. Just like the quote in the picture above, ‘It’s okay to just be.’ That would be my advice to anyone that has lost a child. Just being is sometimes the best we can do. No matter what you have or need to be in that moment, as long as you’re being gentle with yourself and protecting your heart.
Tonight I have planned something special, just something small. I’m having a little fire and writing Jensen a letter from me. Then I’ll throw it in the fire and have the smoke deliver him my message of love. I’ll be the best mom I can today, that’s all I can do to just be.