Consciously Becoming.

Danielle before didn’t realize how terrible this world could be. Of course there were bad things to happen to her, but not to the magnitude of a child dying… to anyone she knew. She was carefree and loved adventure. If an opportunity arose where she could go somewhere, anywhere, she wouldn’t look back. Maybe she didn’t have her life figured out completely, but it was okay; she had the whole future.

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This was Danielle with Jensen, she felt like her life was starting to fall in place. She was happy and planned her future for her son. In this picture she was in Gettysburg and Jensen was just now moving. Which made her really sick, but she smiled with every movement. She planned on teaching him all she could about the world. There were times where she was scared because she didn’t know exactly what was going to happen, but she knew they would make it through. She was hopeful. Jensen made her feel like she had her place in the world. At the moment in the picture, she was on top of the world. Nothing could bring her down. Danielle was consciously becoming a mother each and everyday. Everything was right.

Then, it all changed when his heart stopped beating.

Danielle after Jensen is still a mother. I’m in survival mode every second of the day. Some days I don’t understand how I’m still alive and it doesn’t scare me to have those thoughts. I don’t want to welcome the upcoming days or listen to the clock ticking. Almost all of me is broken and then there’s a tiny bit of my taping myself back together. Most of the time I’m confused, but I’m working through it.

In this moment, I’m tired. I haven’t wanted to do anything all day, yet I had to. My heart feels like it’s beating really weak. I keep smelling Jensen’s candle, which makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. This is normal and how most things are for me lately. In my mind, I look like a Picasso painting. Some part of me wishes I could draw so I could show others how I think I am, but I can’t. My hair is fluffy from my shower and I honestly look like a new mom, without the baby physically here. I’m probably a mess to the outside observer, but like I said, I’m surviving.

Jensen’s death has changed me, not for better or worse. It just has. I can’t be carefree anymore, not that I haven’t tried. My natural ability to plan everything has just went out the window. I would say I don’t have any fear. It’s my belief that fear comes from being afraid to be harmed or killed. I just don’t find anything to be as scary as what’s happened to Jensen. My scariest day in my life has already happened, what could be worse? Here comes that bad karma my way.

It’s hard to imagine me being Danielle before Jensen now that he’s gone. There are times I wish I didn’t know this pain, but I wouldn’t give up not knowing Jensen for that. Maybe I wish I could have a little part of the carefree attitude back. What do I mean by that? I want to be able to go somewhere without fear of having an anxiety attack. It’d be nice to be able to accept any opportunity given to me without the fear of being judged or second guessing myself. Maybe that’s ignorance and maybe I want that innocence back. But I would still have it if Jensen never died.

With all this pain and heartbreak, I still love myself in a different way than I knew possible. I love my strength for being able to get up everyday, even when I don’t think I can. I love that my body was able to grow and nurture Jensen. I love seeing my feet when I look down because they remind me of his. I love that even through pain and heartache, I can still smile and even laugh. I love that I can allow myself to feel and grieve. I love that I’m not giving myself an endpoint to be done with this all. Most of all, I love being Jensen’s mom.

Through all my life experiences, I’m consciously becoming the person I’m supposed to be, even if I don’t know who she is.

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