It’s the twenty-fifth Tuesday.
One-hundred and seventy-five days since Jensen was born.
Jensen’s big day of the week and honestly today was busier than any other Tuesday I’ve had since he’s been born. The morning was really rushed and stressful. Leo and Poe were being trouble makers, we were in a rush to work out, and then I had therapy. Even when that was done, I was only home for a bit to go get supplies for the house and then finally eat. Today was just more rushed than I like my Tuesday’s to be. I honestly didn’t know if I’d write tonight since I posted a lot my feelings yesterday. I know I have a lot of Jensen and grief feelings going on write now, but I can’t make sense of them. Maybe at the end of this.
Then I figured everyone would have heard enough from me after my video chat with Emily Long, from Invisible Mothers, about love, loss, and figuring out life through grief. Which if you didn’t see and would like to, you can see it here. It was nice to be able to talk and actually speak what’s on my mind with words coming out of my mouth and not just directly on the screen. I am so very thankful she asked me chat with her to share with other loss moms and just feel what we’re feeling. Honestly, I didn’t re-watch it. I’m so afraid to hear my voice. I promise there’s good stuff on there and if you want to see me talking, it’s the perfect video to see.
But BIG things are happening.
This Tuesday is also the last Tuesday of the month of September, which means October is almost here. As I said in yesterday’s post, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Awareness Month, which is a pretty big deal. Especially since this is my first October without Jensen and knowing what else October holds besides Breast Cancer Awareness. It’s going to be an emotional month in general. October fifth is also Jensen’s six monthday, which I just cannot fathom. I’d do anything to be playing and picking out Jensen’s, at six month old, Halloween costume….
Anyways, for October, CarlyMarie posts thirty-one projects, one for each day, known as Capture Your Grief. My plan for October is to blog everyday, following along each project. That’s the plan, but if I’m feeling like something else needs to be said or if I cannot connect to one of the projects, I’m going to skip it. Even though I’m allowing myself to skip a project, the goal is to write everyday for October. Be prepared for a lot of posts from me!
I really believe it’s important to take each day that October gives me to speak on behalf of Jensen and all his friends that don’t get to talk. They’ll never be able to speak up and say what’s important to them. But the most important thing to me, is Jensen and all our children who we cannot hold anymore. I can’t stress how much this means to me. It’s so beautiful to see so many people in the community coming together for this month to honor and remember our children and ourselves as their mothers and fathers after loss.
There’s really a lot I have planned for this next month and I’m looking forward to sharing all of these with you. I cannot wait to see how Jensen shines through to me during these days.
At the beginning of this post I questioned if I could put my grief and missing Jensen emotions into completed thoughts. I keep flashing back to my dream last night, which is a little strange. Last night, I got my bangs cut for a little change and I fell asleep forgetting I got a hair cut. Anyways, right before I woke up to the madness of the day, I dreamt of Jensen playing with my hair. He was right by my face, probably the age he would be down. Lightly pulling the hair out of my face, looking into my face with a smile that made his cheeks look even bigger. That smile keeps flashing when I shut my eyes. I can imagine he would be very interested in his mommy’s hair change, so it would make sense for him to meet me in my dreams to let me know he liked it.
And that’s why I got up on this crazy morning.
And it’s why I’ll go to bed in hopes he’ll meet me there again and help prepare me for his and I’s big month ahead.
He’s why I continue to capture my grief daily and speak with other loss moms about all of this. It’s the impact his short thirty-eight weeks on earth has on me that will help me survive how many more days I have.
I just want to kind of end today sharing something of Jensen with you all. It’s been hard to share more actual pictures of him, since I only have so many. I’m feeling like I want to share an ultrasound with you all. They are the most precious images I have, besides the pictures of him. Each of them captured such a happy moment I had with him and they’re all I have of him where he’s alive.
He’s twenty-three weeks and one day here. So handsome, with his hand right by his face as it was every ultrasound. Always playing with his hair, just as he played with mine in my dream.
My sweet, little love. I hope you had the happiest twenty-fifth week celebrating in heaven with all your friends. Always remember you are so very loved each and every second of the day. You are missed terribly and thought of always. You are my whole entire world. I miss you. I love you.