Twenty-Four Weeks.

When I decided to start blogging about Jensen and life after loss I promised myself I would always do two things:

  1. To honor Jensen by sharing his story and the positive impact he brings to me each and everyday.
  2. Be completely raw and honest no matter how hard.

Today, I unfortunately have to share news that hurts and is ultimately life-changing. Before I begin, I’d like to say this is not wrote in an ill tone or manner. This is real life and a fairly common thing to happen after losing a child.

Anthony and I have decided to go our separate ways to be able to focus on ourselves through our different grief journeys.

It hasn’t been an okay time for me and although I can’t speak for Anthony, I know he’s hurting too. The reality is grief does awful, awful things to a person and their relationship. I don’t think we’re going into this next stage of our lives with a bad taste on our tongues. We’ve been able to identify how each other needs to be able to better themselves and it’s hard, but in this time we have to be apart.

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As much love and respect I have for Anthony being Jensen’s dad, I have to understand break ups are common after loss. I hope he will be able to focus on his grief and living life the best he can. And I also hope that we’re able to come together because of Jensen for events that honor our son’s life. Maybe even for Jensen’s birthdays we can celebrate as his parents. I don’t know the challenges to that yet, but I know that’s what Jensen would want. He wouldn’t want to see us argue or be unhappy, just soaking up his love.

Since I sometimes like to educate others about stillbirth and baby loss rates, I’d also like to give you another statistic. Almost 60% of couples breakup or divorce after stillbirth. Obviously, I don’t think it means it’s okay to just breakup after loss. Speaking to others on this journey, I know they try anything and everything to keep their relationship strong. Yet so many couples have to journey without one another. I’m sure it brings a whole other level of anxiety and grief to what’s already going on in your journey. Sometimes it’s for the best for both people and other times it’s just not good, but necessary.

Through this, I feel like I’ll definitely be needing more support. It’s hard to explain it, but being alone at night just amplifies losing Jensen. Not having your child’s parent there to keep their memory alive alongside you is hard. There are many nights where I have flashbacks and he has to shake it out of me. Knowing I’ll have to be able to pull myself out of those fits is challenging. Obviously on top of ending a serious relationship. It’s hard because it’s not just moving apart, it’s almost like losing another part of Jensen too. It’s just tough.

I hate sharing this with all of you on Jensen’s Tuesday, but I’m just now finding those words and courage to share this news.

Even though I dislike asking for anything, I’m going to tonight. I can’t imagine what it’s like for Jensen to see me in pain. I can’t imagine how he feels to know his parents have decided to go separate ways. It’s hard that I have these feelings he’s angry with me or just confused as to what’s going on. I understand that in heaven there’s not bad emotions or feelings, but I know he knows. So on his twenty-fourth week in heaven, if you have time, please light a candle for him so he can see the light and warmth love can bring. I want him to know that no matter what happens between his dad and I, we will never stop loving and caring for him.

Jensen,  I hope your twenty-fourth week in heaven was full of giggles and your favorite music. I know I played your favorites today for you. Baby J, always know the love I have for you will never cease and it will always be there to warm you. One day when I’m with you, I’ll never let you go and you won’t see tears fall from these eyes. I miss you. I love you.

 

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