Reassuring Kicks.

Jensen loved going out in public. When I would walk through places with a bunch of people, he would kick to every different voice. Then he’d fall asleep within fifteen minutes because he was my lazy, little boy. Every time I went out though, he would perk up and listen. We went to the doctors a lot. He’d get bored of their same voices; I think he knew I was annoyed of the doctors and all their bad news. He always tried to cheer me up though; he may have been a lazy butt, but he knew his kicks made his momma feel better.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 10.29.59 PM.png

I always thought this was his “silly” face ultrasound or like he was super excited the camera was on him. He would be giving me the thumbs up today. Such a happy, little baby.

Today I needed his kicks to make me feel better. I ventured of into the “real world,” more like the comfort of my house. It’s been a day I’ve dreaded for a week: my ‘six’ week postpartum exam. I didn’t think I could take putting myself in a vulnerable situation. What if she said his death was my fault? What if she said I did something wrong? What if she told me I was a bad mom? What if she discarded his life? What if I couldn’t breath because I had a panic attack?  All the “what ifs” were adding up and they were dangerous.

I’m sure if Jensen was here, I wouldn’t have dreaded it so much. I’d just be excited to know I was healthy and show off my beautiful boy to everyone in the office. Believe me, I would do anything to be showing him off to everyone if I could. If only I had his kicks to reassure me. Well, now it would have been his little looks towards me. His little blond hair so very different from my dark, brown hair.

Instead I sat in the exam room, telling the doctor my story and crying until my eyes hurt. Not only going through all the details of my pregnancy, but the end. How his heart stopped beating, why it stopped beating, and the silence of birth. I’m sure she’s seen new moms cry happy tears during their six week appointment, I would give anything for that to be me. When she told me I was healthy and all healed up, it didn’t even phase me. So what my body is okay? I might look okay, but I’m in pain every single second of the day. How can I not be in pain? She just said it herself, my baby died. This wasn’t supposed to happen, but when it does it’s all of the sudden.

I can’t complain, my new doctor was amazing. She spent two hours in the exam room listening and answering my “what ifs.” I didn’t do anything wrong and I could not have done anything to prevent this tragedy. She kept telling me how I was a wonderful mom, hearing her call me a mom as much as she did made me feel better. We talked about Jensen and how important he is. Jensen’s life is important and it always will be. He was my child during my pregnancy, birth, and the rest of my life. Not even death can take that away.

Grief sucks. Grief makes me focus on the bad and doubt myself. It tries to steer me away from thinking of all my happy thoughts I had with Jensen and makes me focus on the silence. I’d never wish this grief or loss on anyone. Everyone should have their baby to show off every time they go into public. Yes, it was a bad day of grief. The type of day where I couldn’t catch my breath. Even when I heard ‘good’ news, I couldn’t find the strength to smile.

Jensen would have made me smile. He would’ve loved her asking all about him while he was safe in my belly. I know he would move his head to make sure he could hear her and of course me. He would always move his head when I would talk to him. His kicks would be consistent for about five minutes, until he got bored with all the medical talk.

Jensen would have made today so amazing.

Firsts and Lasts.

My Jensen had so many first.

First time he kicked, rolled over, and punched. He got his first kitty cat. His first room were in his colors, orange and navy blue. His first road trip was to Missouri. Jensen cheered on the Steelers at his first football game. He went to Gettysburg with his mommy and daddy for vacation. The first time he had Mexican food he hated it and let Mommy know instantly. There are so many first, but my favorite first was his first picture.

First Ultrasound.jpg

He was just our little Bebe then, but this picture brought me so much hope and happiness for the future. I showed off his first ultrasound picture to his dad so proudly. We made this beautiful little human and here this baby is. I was so happy, words cannot describe.

Jensen had a lot of lasts too.

I can’t remember all his lasts because I thought we would be able to do it over and over again. Our last movie we saw together was Batman vs Superman at the movie theatre. The last book we read was Go Dog Go. The last night we had together was at his daddy’s house. The last restaurant we ate at was Red Lobster. I can remember the last chocolate milk we drank and his kicks of happiness. My favorite last was laying with him in my belly with his kitty beside him and me telling him I loved him, while singing a lullaby.

My one last I wish I had was his last picture.

When Jensen was born his dad and I didn’t get to see him. We made that hard decision for our  mental health. I don’t know if that was the right decision; I fight with myself over it every single day. I have a lock of his hair, foot and hand prints, and all his ultrasounds. Plus the perfect image in my head. In my mind, I see him breathing, moving, and listening for me. I couldn’t see him not breathing and lively as he had been the whole pregnancy. I was scared. His grandma and grandpa went to see him. They held him, kissed him, and told him they loved him. Angie, our nurse, took a bunch of pictures of him so we could have forever and look at them when we are ready. I don’t have those pictures yet, but I want his last picture.

I know he was beautiful. He was a little blondie, which makes me smile because his father and I have such dark hair. He had my little feet, big lips, and perfect button nose. My mom told me he was everything I described. My perfect little man.