Advice from a Bereaved Mother.

Posted on May 7, 2016 by danielleridgway

I dreamt Jensen and being his mother for months. Every night I would dream of our long future together. I was so ready to learn everything I could about him and being the perfect mom for my son. All I wanted was to embrace my motherhood and look at Jensen with joy every second I could.

Even though my sweet baby boy isn’t with my physically, I feel him with me everyday. I had to change my motherhood due to our tragedy. This past week seven days, I’ve made similarities and differences between what I dreamt and now; the before and after. I don’t claim to know everything, especially about being a mom. Although I’d like to give advice or reminders about being a mom to others.

Which leads us to Day Seven’s prompt…

For Mothers with living children or are pregnant:

Don’t wish time away.
Always tell your child/ren you love them.
Live and cherish every moment like it could be the last.
When your child/ren does something that upset you, remember how lucky you are that you have them and that they’re safe.
Hug them an extra second longer.
Be a proud of the babies you have. They are perfect in every single way.
Be proud of yourself. You are a beautiful mother.

For Bereaved Mothers:

Your child/ren loves you more than words can describe.
You are not at fault.
Honor and remember your babies as much as you can.
It’s okay to have a good day. You deserve it.
Reach out for support, there’s others that want to support you.
Be proud of the babies you have. They are perfect in every single way.
Be proud of yourself. You are a beautiful mother.

To all types of moms, remember to wish each other a Happy Mother’s Day. All mothers need to be recognized, three small words could change one’s day around.

I wish every mother a Happy Mother’s Day. If you’re lucky enough to enjoy your day with your baby, soak up every single second. If your angel is in heaven, protect your heart. Do what you feel is okay for the day. Your baby is with you. They want you to know how much you’re loved.

For me, I’ll be spending time with my loved ones; thinking and talking all about my Jensen Grey.

What words of kindness would you provide?

Sweet Love.

Posted on May 5, 2016 by danielleridgway

At this time one month ago, I was leaving the hospital without a baby. I’d only given birth to Jensen 15 hours beforehand. The nurse wheeled me out the back way of the maternity wing. I hate to think of how many other mothers had to go down this hallway without their baby. I can just remember all the tears flooding my eyes. I was supposed to leave the hospital with my son. My whole body and insides ached. Not from physically giving birth, but knowing I was leaving a huge part of myself behind.

Besides not leaving the hospital with Jensen was the looks the happy family in the waiting room gave me. They obviously saw my tears. They were obviously about to get the best news, a new, healthy baby. Then they saw me. Their looks haunt me still…

I was the reality of what could go wrong.

Today not only marks one month since Jensen has been gone, but I’m halfway through my Share Your Mother Heart prompts.

I’ve never questioned what motherhood was, even from an early age. My mom has poured love into my brother and I’s lives. Every time we leave the room we say we love each other. She would do anything for me, all because she loves me. I’m made of her and I’ll always be apart of her no matter how far I go. Even on the horrible day she gets to see Jensen again in heaven, I’ll always have her love.

When I got pregnant with Jensen, I was in love. When I found out he was a boy, I was still in love. As he grew everyday in my belly, I was still in love. When I found out the angels came and got him, I was still in love. When I delivered him in the silent hospital room, I was still in love. When I was wheeled through the back way of the maternity ward, I was still in love. When I went to my son’s funeral, I was still in love. Last night when I was terrified to go to sleep because I didn’t want him to be gone for one month, I was still in love. As I find the words to write, I’m still in love.

The common theme of all different types of motherhood is love. No, I’m not able to parent Jensen the way I dreamed. Believe me, I would do anything to have him here. It still does not discount the fact that I love him till my last breath. Each day of this writing journey, I’ve wrote about my endless love for Jensen. Even though I have faced this horrible tragedy and I grieve so deeply everyday, I would not feel this way if love was not there. Instead of being angry, depressed, and feeling hopeless every second of the day, I choose to feel the lasting love I have for Jensen and my motherhood.

All About Jensen.

Posted on May 4, 2016 by danielleridgway

The one person I could talk about for the rest of my life is my little man. I have so many memories from being pregnant with Jensen. In the 38 weeks he was in my womb, I have a clear picture of all the trouble my little boy would be causing. Good trouble, of course.

This week has been unexplainably hard. Tomorrow is the one month mark. One month since Baby Jensen went to heaven. I’ve been very emotional and in pain. Thankfully today’s prompt is my favorite yet; to brag all about my Jensen.

Day Four’s prompt…

What was he/she like?
What were your dreams for him/her/them?
Who were they/who do you believe they would have been?

Jensen Grey had a multitude of moods, emotions, likes and dislikes. He would let his momma know his feelings right away on everything. Most of the time he was lazy and was stuck on my right side, with his butt on the top of my belly so I could pat him. When he would hear music, I could feel him dancing. It didn’t matter if it was his mommy singing, the radio, or when we went to church. He loved to be read to and when his daddy kissed my belly. Jensen was such a happy little guy.

He could also be pretty stubborn. He got that from both Anthony and I. For the Aultman ultrasound girls he would pose, move, and practice what he needed when they asked. I remember one time the girl said, “I got his profile, but it would be really nice if he would turn so we could see the front of his face.” Not two seconds after she said it, there he turned. When we would lay down in bed, he HATED when I laid on my right side. He would twist and turn uncomfortably until I flipped to my left side. He usually got what he wanted.

Some foods he loved and others he hated. The second trimester he wouldn’t let me eat before 10am. He hated eggs at first, Arby’s the whole time, and pepper soup that his grandma made. I usually just trusted my cravings as what he wanted. He would kick away for chocolate milk, cereal, Nutella, and Burger King. I swear I would’ve had to keep him away from junk food. On the other hand, he really liked salads and green apples. He would just kick and kick when it was time to eat.

There’s so much more about his personality. He was truly the best. He was also the cutest.

Even though for 38 weeks I mostly saw this from him…

I dreamed and dreamed of what Jensen would look like. I pictured dark hair, big lips, and a big nose for some reason. I thought he would be a BIG baby. He weighed ahead when we got our measurements. In actuality, he had blond hair and mostly looked like his mom. His hair was curly like his daddy’s. He had a little button nose, pretty big lips, his mom’s forehead and chin. Absolutely beautiful. He had his mom’s feet and toes. His hands were big, but chubby. He weighed 7 pounds and 1 ounce and was 19 3/4 inches long. I’m sure his eyes were brown just like Anthony and I’s. I feel like since he looked so much like me, he probably would’ve acted like Anthony. No matter what, he was perfect.

He would have been stylish. Momma bought him a whole wardrobe, probably way too much stuff for one little boy. He would have been so kissable. I’m sure his hair would’ve got darker as he got older. I know his face would be changing by now and I would have loved to see if he would’ve stayed looking like me or just morphed into his own little self. I would’ve loved a mini-me.

Most of all I think Jensen would have been a little lover. I say that because when I would talk to him, he would cozy up and not kick while I talked. After I was done he would kick wanted me to talk to him more and rub my belly. He loved when his kitty Poe and puppies Finnick and Sarge were laying beside him. When his grandma and grandpa were talking, he would listen and not kick until they were done. He always kicked when he heard his Uncle Logan. He loved when kids were around me; kicking as they yelled and played. My Jensen is the best little love.

Jensen is and always will be my perfect baby boy.

Motherhood Reimagined.

Posted on May 2, 2016 by danielleridgway

When I found out Jensen was a boy, I was overjoyed. I imagined him playing football, getting dirty, and playing rough outside. At my house, I planned on getting a big window in the back door so I could look outback to watch him play in the mud. I pictured us sitting outside together looking at the stars. When he was older, running in and out of the back door and eventually sneaking in and out. Those are just some of the dreams I had for him, with just the backyard. I would be his number one cheerleader, nurse, and above all his mother.

With all my dreams for him, I imagined me being the best momma for him. Whatever he needed me to be, I would. Of course, he would be made to listen and respect his parents and everyone else. Imagining his journey through infancy to adulthood, I also imagined myself as a mother growing with his needs. When I lost Jensen, I lost all my dreams for him and the biggest part of myself. I lost him, made of me, and I lost a certain identity I had for myself for the past ten months.

Which brings me to Day Two of this ten-day journey…

In what ways are you still the mother you thought you’d be?
In what ways does she still live on?

Today marks 27 days since Jensen was born and 27 days since he’s been gone. I never imagined losing him or imagined this is the journey my motherhood with lead me to. Four weeks with a baby means sleepless nights, countless diapers, and endless love. Motherhood with a newborn baby is messy. I imagined myself with the messiness right now and knowing the messiness would lead to a dramatic toddler and then a curious child and then a know-it-all teenager to adulthood. Instead, motherhood after a baby born asleep includes sleepless nights, countless tissues, and endless love; some the same, mostly different. My sleepless nights include countless tissues. I’m up wondering why, crying, and just remembering my Jensen. Some nights are harder than others and I know there will be good nights and horrible nights in my future. I’ve went through so many boxes of tissues. There are times when there are constant flows of tears and there’s other where I have to share tissues with those around me when I’m talking about Jensen. But there is never a lack of love I have for him. It is an endless love as I know all mothers have for their child. It’s the love my mother had for me growing up till now.

As I ponder on today’s questions I have to remember what I imagined before the unthinkable and compare them with my thoughts now. The reoccurring theme in both is love.

When I wake up each morning and am talking to Jensen, I could easily just stay in bed each day. I don’t. I think and often say out loud, Jensen wouldn’t me like this. He wouldn’t want me to give up on all my dreams and hopes. He wouldn’t want me to be laying in bed all day. He wants me to have that big, windowed backdoor. He wants me to grow as a mother for him. He doesn’t need me to care for him as a mom would care for a newborn. He still needs the love, but he needs to see me growing. All of these dreams, all of this grief, all of Jensen was made from love. Him and it is my motivation to get out of bed every morning. To go get that big, windowed back door. To grow and explore in this new type of motherhood. Most importantly, to keep loving him and letting everyone know how loved my Jensen is.

It’s our love for each other that makes me the mother I’d always had imagined myself being.

Grey Skies & Rainbow Highs

the stories and adventures of our little family: full of love and loss.

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