**Trigger Warning – this post talks about pregnancy after loss.**
Well, my plan for posting and writing a lot during February sort of failed this past week. Unfortunately, I’ve been the sickest I’ve been in a while since last Tuesday. Actually, it kind of began after my glucose screening test and just continued to get worse. I’ve sworn up and down that the test is what jump started my sickness, but maybe that because I absolutely hated it.
The first few days I battled a nonstop fever. I had ice packets on my head and belly. It’s terrifying to think my body could overheat and the baby could get hurt. I also was thinking how if Jensen would be here, I wouldn’t be able to be down like I was. He would need me to be up. That fact hurt. I tried not to let it get me down and just focus on helping what I could. The fever finally broke on Friday (yay)! Since then I’ve not yet hit 100%, I can’t stop coughing and my lungs are over-producing phlegm. It’s been all so attractive.
My anxiety has been entirely too high. Not only with being afraid of the fever running to high to hurt her, I’ve been just in fear she’s going to die. Just plainly putting that out there. If I don’t feel her move every twenty minutes, I’m just laying here poking and shaking my belly. She’s probably really annoyed with me, but as soon as she moves I feel at ease. I will say the last two days she’s not ‘slowed down,’ but I feel like they’ve changed. Or maybe I’m paranoid because she’s definitely moving around in there.
With all the anxiety and sickness, I’ve been exhausted.
I’ve probably slept more this past week than I have in three months. Yeah, I’ve needed it. Rest and fluids are the only way someone can get over a sickness, especially when they’re not allowed to have most medicines.
Anyways, I’m veering off to mostly complaining about being sick now. I wanted to share something that happened today. When I woke up, I felt a lot better and could even breathe out of two nostrils. Yes, I celebrate any little victory. Instead of just sleeping the day away again, I
wanted needed to be productive getting ready for the baby’s ‘sprinkle’ this coming weekend and organizing the baby stuff in her room.
A lot of Jensen’s things are being used by his sister. Literally the totes we filled almost two years ago have been pulled out and gone through. His swing and crib are up. All the diapers, wipes, and other necessities are in place for her. It’s sort of insane. Well today, I knew we were going through another layer of totes. This held his stuffed animals, baby book, and a little frame that says, ‘My First Year.’
Deep down, I knew we were going to come across these things eventually. I didn’t realize how hard the frame and baby book we’re going to hit though. The frame, which should be filled of Jensen’s progression pictures are empty. A year of photos that never came. I wish I would’ve thrown it across the room with all the stock pictures inside of it. They made me so angry. Then his baby book. Honestly, I didn’t look through it. I know how far I got and what came next. The last time I saw it was a few days before he was born, when I was filling it out and put it in a bag so I could take it to the hospital. It never made it there and it’ll continue to remain empty.
The juxtaposition of the emptiness of these memories and how full her room is just broke my heart.
It reminds me of how fragile the life growing in my belly is. How this time two years ago, I was full of hope and not even thinking Jensen could die. He had so many things as well, I never thought they would be packed away in totes and only being used, for the first time, by his sibling. I am so thankful for her and him, but there’s a huge chance that her things will be packed away too. Never used.
Today reminded me of that. I’m also reminded that pregnancy after loss is the second hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Each day I hold on to hope that she’s going to be here in a the blink of an eye and what happened to Jensen isn’t going to repeat itself. I tell myself every day that this is a new pregnancy. It does not erase my pregnancy with Jensen, but it doesn’t make it the very same either. I won’t lie, it is exhausting worrying that she’s going to die constantly and I get so angry knowing that I feel this way because my first child died. I would do anything to have the innocence I had with him.
That’s just not my reality though.
I believe she’s going to come out kicking and screaming with Jensen watching over us. I have to believe that. Every time I look in her room, I hope she’s able to use every single thing in there and learn what was her brothers too. With each of her kicks, I miss him even more.
I’m surviving this life and pregnancy after loss in the best way I can.
One of Jensen’s stuffed animals waiting to be cuddled by his little sister.
Fingers crossed that tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel even a little bit better. I have a big week coming up and want to share baby girl’s name with you all on Wednesday! That way I can call her by her name instead of a variety of nicknames. I also do want to share the nursery with you all and show how Jensen has influenced so much of it. We also have a 3D/4D scan coming up (after she didn’t cooperate during the last one). So a bunch to share concerning the baby, but a lot of it is intertwining with my grief and how closely their birthdays are going to be.
I just wanted to say thank you all again for everything! Hopefully this sickness will go away so I’m able to share some more What’s Your Grief Photo Challenges.