I wish for protection in the near future.
I wish I didn’t need to wish for these things.
September is the first month I ever saw Jensen. I was terrified in the days before my appointment. Honestly, I had no idea what to expect. He was an upside down little peanut, but I fell even deeper in love with him as I watched his heartbeat gallop on the screen. I’ll never forget how my heart skipped a beat (or ten) while my eyes were peeled on the ultrasound screen. When I left, all I could wish was for April to get here quick.
Somehow two years ago feels like a lifetime. I’ve lived so much in these twenty-four months that most people will never understand unless they’ve lived it too. The world I wished for was right in my grasps, then stolen away from me. It’s so much easier to type that in short, than to live it. Last September… was difficult. Jensen’s dad had left and I felt like everything in the world was against me. I didn’t deserve love and why would Jensen have chosen me. At this point, I had felt the depression and grief of losing my son, but I fell deeper into the rabbit hole.
Depression is always talked about loosely by those who’ve never battled with it every. single. second. It’s not something you can just snap out of or wish for it to be gone. I can remember hearing that depression was ‘fake’ and just a cry for attention, but it sure didn’t feel fake.
I’ve grown and made countless wishes for Jensen to be back with me and for me to heal in the best possible way I could. Wishes always were ones that seemed impossible, you know like being a princess or finding a briefcase with a million dollars in it. Not wishing for my dead child to be back in my arms and help to struggle with my depression. Maybe these are my impossible things now.
Stillbirth has changed everything.
This September is much better than last. I’ve started back to college, with my Master’s Degree. Let me tell you, its way harder than I thought it was three years ago. I know it’s only the second day in the month, but yesterday when I was doing my coursework I felt Jensen cheering me on with every word I wrote for my tasks. I’m always back subbing, which has brought me more joy than I thought I could ever have before. That sounds sad. I love being in the school and I know I have a tiny insignificant role, but I wish I could be there everyday.
And now I’m all emotional and crying.
It’s so difficult to find something to be genuinely happy about when you think all your happiness is stolen from you. Then when you really think about it makes you sad. I used to be so happy and thankful. Every dandelion I’d see, I would pull and wish for whatever popped in my mind. Now, I only do it when they call out to me because I know wishes don’t normally come true.
But I had hope yesterday when I saw this one. Hope that I will see Jensen again and hope that he will guide me to where I need to be.
I know I’m rambling on and I haven’t blogged in a while. There’s just so much happening behind the screen that I’m processing and afraid to share. Bereaved parents don’t get a guidebook of how to journey through life after loss, but I’m just doing my best.