Being a mom has taught me endless love.
Not just on Valentine’s Day, but every single second of each day.
When I imagined Love Day with Jensen, I pictured making him heart-shaped pancakes with strawberries (all cut up and easy for him to eat), doing a mini photo shoot with here at home, and having a mommy-son date night. He would be in Valentine’s Day themed pajamas in the morning and jeans and a button up shirt for the evening. I’m sure there would have been a craft we would have done to give to grandma and grandpa. There would be smiles and giggles. All would be right.
I really miss him.
A weird part of this ‘holiday’ is I’m not even being triggered. Maybe it’s because I’m extremely sick and still trying to get better? Or the weird way it seems like a lot of big days have fallen on Tuesdays? Then I think that today’s not really a holiday, but I still wanted to spend it with Jensen and make it another great day for him. I keep telling myself, ‘It’s just a Hallmark holiday.’ But I realize I’m not sad because I’m not spending it with a boyfriend or a guy. I just want Jensen and all the days I should have had with him. Lately, for me, I’ve been missing him in the smallest moments. Ones where I wonder when he would be crying or get mad at me. He’d pout, fake cry, and turn his face so red. It’d be frustrating in that second, but I want that. And there are others when he’d fall and get back up on his own. I wonder how that first time of him getting back up on his own would feel. Like he could do something on his own and didn’t need me; I’d feel so proud and sad at the same time.
Those are the moments I crave.
Honestly, I’m thankful for today. The day I found out I was pregnant was when I knew what love truly was. I swear I felt my heart grow five sizes bigger. It has only grown and radiated. When I woke up today and saw all those hearts and words of love, I just felt it. There has been lovely loss mamas sending me hearts with Jensen’s name and letting me know he’ll never be forgotten. I received his drawn portrait and am amazed with how adorable he looks in it. There’s a love craft planned for tonight that I’m really looking forward to. Maybe I’ll even have a mini date night with myself if I’m feeling up to it tonight.
I just feel so loved today.
It’s amazing to me how in this darkness of grief we can see light and feel love. How even in our worst days there’s something to smile about. That from this great physical distance between Jensen and I, he feels so very close to me. It’s all from this endless love that one little boy continues to bring me.
Which brings me to something I want to share with you guys…
I’ve been thinking about starting an Etsy shop to spread the love I have for Jensen. The items in it would be customizable to any child; I promise I’m not that crazy to just offer Jensen’s footprints! It’ll be items like the one with Jensen bear and of course other ones too. I thought today would be the perfect day to share with you all and to see what everyone thinks. You all have helped shaped this journey so much for me that I appreciate your feedback.
I hope you all have a gentle Valentine’s Day full of love.
Happy forty-five weeks in heaven, Jensen! Today I’ve felt all the love you’ve been sending me and I hope you’re feeling all the love I have for you. I know you’re hand making me cards for when I join you in heaven and I’ll be so happy to see them. Thank you for giving me this endless love; I’ll cherish it every day of my life.
I miss you. I love you.