My chest felt like it was caving in this morning.
‘Another Tuesday,’ I instantly thought after I realized the weight on my chest was the anxiety of the upcoming day. It’s brought me another full week of Jensen being gone and closer to me being here longer than he was, post loss. That’s a scary thought to have. Knowing my heart made it to this point, completely shattered, while his heart had stopped at this time. I wish I could hear that beautiful, strong heartbeat just one more time…
During my usual Tuesday breakdown, I kept saying over and over again how I couldn’t believe this was my life. I say it on a loop nowadays. On top of grief and the week changing, I’ve also been preparing for vacation. We leave early tomorrow morning. It’ll be a long journey, but I’ll be on the beach and relaxing as the waves drift me off to sleep. I can’t help thinking of whether or not Jensen would like the ocean. Or how he would show me his imagination when he built sand castles with a big moat around his carefully placed structures. In some ways I’ll be bringing him to the beach; as well as all his friends up in heaven. His name will be carefully written in the sand and the waves will crash to take a little part of him with them. Or that’s how I imagined it to help lift the heavy weight that is anxiety off of my chest.
After therapy and surviving that breakdown, I was hit with the snow. Today’s snow is the perfect consistency for making snowballs and snow angels. It’s fluffy and packs so very nicely. I was standing outside my car and just could see him picking the snow up. At that same spot, I marked right where he would be with the loops of his J and e’s.
My snow angel, he’ll forever be.
Somehow by someway, it brings me a little peace to see where he’s marked at my feet. Really, anywhere I see something that reminds me of him lightens the anxiety by a little bit. That’s the amazing part of having victories in the small battles, even the quickest moment can bring you some happiness.A smile can form from tears. Even if that joy is fleeting, having a break from treading those waves is such a relief.
I’m hoping to be able to update you guys about my trip throughout the time I’m gone. If not on here, definitely through the Facebook page or the Instagram feed. The one part of the trip I’m REALLY looking forward to is writing all these beautiful baby names out. It’s honestly been a little mission for me that has got me by the last few weeks and from dipping out on the trip. I really do think Jensen would want me to go to enjoy myself and to mark another beach off his passport.
Happy thirty-six weeks in heaven, Jensen Grey. You’re my light that leads me through the darkness of grief. I’ll carry you in my heart forever and just know from sand to snow, you’ll always be with me. I miss you. I love you.