The morning Jensen was born, my best friend came to the hospital. He brought flowers and just sat and listened. It was fairly early when I texted and told him Jensen was born so silently. I remember just talking and explaining it, I don’t even know if I was crying or if shock had taken my tears. He had to be so brave coming into that room. It’s not the scenario anyone expects to walk in. Usually there’s the baby being passed around and the mom is beaming. Anyways, during our talk he told me, “Jensen will come to you in a red bird and a blue bird.” I remember the thought of a sign from Jensen giving me so much hope.
It would be a happy moment that he was with me even in his death.
When we got home from the hospital, I completely forgot about our conversation on the birds. There were no birds going to come in my room as I let the darkness cover me. I was dragged out of the house to go on a drive two days before his funeral. We drove all around the county and ended up going to eat at a little restaurant that I’ve been to countless times. I sat down in one chair and didn’t like it, so I sat in the chair across the table. It felt better about that chair, weird I know. Then I looked up at the wall, one I’ve looked at before, and I saw my sign. A picture of a red bird and one of a blue bird right beside it; my sign from Jensen.
I remember just staring at it and not listening to a word my mom said. All I could do was point at the pictures and say, ‘he’s okay.’
Since that very first sign, I’ve had so many others. Feathers are always around me, butterflies hover around me when I paint outside, and a red bird visits my backyard every morning. Those are the common ones that follow me around. Some uncommon and special ones have been the orange and blue balloon escaping at a ceremony, a blue dragonfly when I swim at my mom and dad’s, and my ‘yellow’ nails story. Those are usually ones where I cannot believe happen or I take for granted at first and know it was just for me. I also dream frequently of him letting me know he’s okay or if he likes something I’m doing in my life. Jensen always making me smile in the craziest ways.
Then there are ones where I feel like I’m crazy to admit.
When we first got his urn, I felt as if Jensen made the flame dance. I would light another candle right beside his and see if it would move when his did. Most of the time it was just Jensen’s going back and forth, but I always feel like that’s my brain being weird. It’s brought me peace though, thinking he answers me with the flame that I use to remember him. That’s probably why I’ve went through hundreds of candles this past month. It helps me heal, no matter how weird it sounds.
There’s something about signs though that could drive someone crazy.
I feel at one point, maybe two months after loss, I kept searching for Jensen’s signs; then I would think I was going crazy. Most of the time I felt like I needed to just know he was okay and they were the only way I could get that. My mind would be constantly looking for him everywhere I thought he would be. After feeling exhausted from searching I promised myself that I wouldn’t search for signs anymore. At first it felt like I was letting go apart of him, but I actually felt him more. I stopped being exhausted by my constant looking and could just take the moment to feel his love. Another thing I learned is, if you feel like something is meant for you, than it probably is. In my mind, our angels are always close and they know when we need to hear from them.
Then there’s his symbols that instantly remind me of him.
Obviously, J’s are a big thing for me. Whenever I see a J, I instantly think of my Baby J. His colors, orange and blue, remind me of him too. Even if it’s someone wearing an orange and blue shirt, I just smile and think of his nursery. I also cling to elephants as a symbol for him, my grief, and the loss community. Jensen was given an elephant at the hospital that I sleep with every night and the story of the momma elephants helping each other out always has warmed my heart. Other symbols I love, some of them I think are signs too, are certain songs. Whenever I get sad and am out or in my car, Of Monsters and Men comes on. I always sang their songs to Jensen. There are little things each day that bring me a lot of Jensen.
Signs and symbols have been so important in my life after loss. They let me know Jensen is safe and that he always wants to make me smile.