Today I cannot talk about my nitty-gritty unspoken encounters and thoughts I’ve had the past six months. My heart is already heavy with longing and sadness. I think most people would be surprised to know there are a lot of things I haven’t talked about here. Seems crazy to think that since I’ve tried to be completely honest about everything.
Somethings are secret between Jensen and I.
Somethings I whisper in the morning to help make me through the day.
Somethings I’m not ready to talk about.
And somethings, I just want to be selfish about.
There’s plenty of times where I say aloud that I’m going crazy or my mind is not sane. Those are the moments I pace around my house, somehow not wearing down the floor underneath me. Often, I think of The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Instead I just keep pacing and trying to release myself from the ground beneath me. In the first weeks, I knew I had to get something to snap me out of the insanity.
I bought the stars. Well, technically I bought an Aries constellation bracelet, Jensen’s zodiac sign. When I would start walking, I’d touch each dot that represented one of the stars. It calmed me. I would actually be able to sit and ground myself. Maybe actually using one of my senses made me feel semi-normal. Then I started looking for Jensen in more places, especially when we officially moved in the house. I needed him everywhere, so that’s what I tried to make happen.
If you would walk into my house you’d see Jensen. There are J’s everywhere, his name is placed so I can see at all vantage points, and there are pictures of his sweet face and hand cuddling his blanket. Baby footprints are framed on the walls and there’s message of love and hope for everyone to read. All of these little memories of Jensen I feel are perfectly normal and I know a lot of other loss mommas have them.
Then, I feel as if I took it to the next level.
I have his name stamped on a spoon, his name on a crate with a beautiful orange flower inside, ad I have mugs that make me smile every time I use them. Just like the one pictures above, given to me by a lovely friend. If you’d look deeper, you’d find notebooks full of me doodling his name and a jewelry box full of necklaces and bracelets that remind me of him. I have elephants to remind me I’m not alone in this journey and that there are others here to support me. There’s one or two birds I have that send sweet messages to Jensen and all of his friends in heaven.
There’s one other thing you would notice if you came and spent the day with me. Jensen’s urn follows me from room to room, usually with his candle burning.
I don’t usually talk about the amount of little things that remind me of him. They’re everywhere and they bring my joy. Some might think it’s weird that everywhere you look, Jensen’s presence is right there. That I don’t want to be constantly reminded of him, but it fills the hole in my heart. He’s here spiritually and I want him and everyone to know his life is celebrated in this home.
Unspoken, but not unseen; my little boy follows me.