Today my son turns three months old.
I’ve been dreading this day. This whole holiday weekend has been so exhausting and has led up to this Tuesday. It seems unreal that I’m here right now. Somehow my body is still walking, breathing, and functioning. Most times it feels like my soul is going to lift right up from my body and just go. I’m not sure where my soul would go, I’d just want to be right there with Jensen’s.
This Tuesday is unlike all the other milestone Tuesdays and changing of the months. Today is just like the day Jensen was born: Tuesday, April 5. The combination of the days together hurts so much more. Not to mention we changed the calendar page, again. It all has flooded me this weekend. I was with family on Saturday, just like I was three months ago. Sunday was a lazy day with Anthony. Then Monday was full of pain and loathing for the next day to come. July is mirroring April. Heck, the weather is just like April.
Then I’m here, barely. My body is a zombie and my mind is just everywhere all at once; replaying three months ago and since then all at once. It hits me how much time has passed.
A quarter of a year.
I could probably do the hours and minutes, but my brain won’t let me think that much. I’ve never known exhaustion and emptiness before this. If I add love in that mix, those are the only things I feel. Thankfully I still feel that love, maybe that’s the one part that has me superglued to the inside of my body.
I can picture what it would be like to have him here today. I know he’d be getting so big and his facial expressions coming in full force. Usually I look up what milestones he’d be hitting, I just can’t put myself through that pain today. Maybe we’d have a Jensen and mommy day, since it’s not really nice out. I’d probably be crafting with him, trying to capture how big his feet have gotten since he was born. I’d make one of those love signs, with his feet as the ‘v.’
Besides his pictures, I love these seashells of his hands and feet. They’re something that he touch and literally left an imprint on. Those little feet had so many miles to walk and he should’ve held so many bugs in his hands. I just look at them and remember this is one of the few things I have of him. It’s so hard to just look at his stuff and realize that’s all it will ever be. I mean, I’ve bought things since for Jensen, but the things he touched at had are so limited. If Jensen ever has any brothers or sisters, I will keep everything of theirs. Just as I will always keep his possessions so close to me.
I can’t tell you that I feel better or go because it’s a complete lie. I can’t say that time heals all wounds because right now it still feels like they’re wide open and someone is pouring salt in them. It feels like July is a cruel joke to mimic the days he was born. Some moments I can’t catch my breath when I realize it’s been a quarter of a year. It’s absolutely mind blowing to think my son has been dead for three months. I’m not sure when I’ll be ‘better’ or feel like I’ve moved forward, not on.
Then there’s the things I can tell you. Next month I’ve known and loved Jensen for a year. I can tell you I’m not looking forward to my birthday and it probably will be the worst birthday ever. Especially compared to last year when I found out I was pregnant. I can tell you that my parent’s Fourth of July party was so very hard on me. The two days afterwards, I stayed in bed all day crying because I had no energy left. I can foresee every holiday being that way. Each other them just a reminder he’s not here, but everyone is celebrating this life we have. There’s just not a lot to celebrate from my point of view. I can say I’m taking each step as it comes. Every morning I wake up and try to do something productive to honor Jensen.
One thing that has made me smile the past few days is the idea of Jensen celebrating in heaven. I’m so happy he’ll never have to feel this pain and emptiness. He’s just giggling and watching over me. Somedays I’m envious of that. I wish instead of him being in heaven watching me, that he was here with me on earth so I didn’t feel all this. The fact that he is happy and knows how loved he is, brings me a peace I never knew was possible. For some reason, I picture him eating cake, even though he’s way to little to eat cake right now. I hope and pray the angels in heaven take a picture of him each month with his little stickers. One day I promise to fulfill all the Nevers in this life with him in the next.
My sweet boy, have a happy three month birthday in heaven. You are so very loved and miss on this earth. I feel your love each day and I’m sending you all of mine every second.