for tomorrow and how it holds the worst sentence I ever heard in my life.
that of the fact I have to live without him forever.
one day no one will ever say his name, besides me.
that after this year mark people will wonder why I haven’t started ‘moving on.’
I’ll never be able to give Jensen a sibling.
that if Jensen does have a sibling that I won’t love him or her as much as I love Jensen.
of breaking down in front of everyone on his birthday or any day at all.
that this pain will always be here.
that this pain I feel will go away.
of all the silent birthdays I’ll spend celebrating his life.
stillbirth, miscarriage, and baby loss are still taboo topics.
to welcome a whole new year of babies that don’t go home.
the earth will eventually shatter for holding this much.
of the flashbacks that I know I’ll be facing the next two days.
that I haven’t done enough for Jensen and I’ll never be able to.
to be alone tomorrow and the day after his birthday.
that this is my life.
because I will always try to figure out where it all went wrong.
there will be a day where I stop feeling anything at all.
that my motherhood isn’t valid.
of always living through my worst nightmare.
I’ll never be able to save myself because I couldn’t even do that for him.
for year two.
I’m not ready for any of this, but I know it’s coming.
that he’s seeing me at my weakest, but I hope he’s cheering me on.