This is the first ‘bump’ picture I took with Jensen.
It was taken one year ago. I was six months pregnant with him and going through a lot at this time. At this time I had already known for two months he was my little boy. But I had found out so much more on that November day. Less than a month before this picture was taken I learned Jensen had a 99% chance of having Down syndrome. This was hard for me at that time.
I questioned if I had done something wrong.
I was terrified of an extra, teeny, twenty-first chromosome.
I started researching and educating myself on how to better mother a child with Down syndrome.
I joined a support group.
I read and followed different blogs.
I worried I wouldn’t be enough for him.
I fought for him from the pressures of people who had no right to tell me what I needed to do with my baby.
It’s sort of crazy to think I waited six months to take a belly picture. Honestly, I just thought I’d have millions of pictures of him with all the years that we should have had. Plus, this is when I first started to like my pregnant body. I could see my bump and see when he’d move. Seeing me get bigger only meant Jensen was growing like he was supposed to. With every ultrasound his body grew bigger and heart beat stronger.
This time last year, everything was perfect; even with it not going as I planned. I was just so ecstatic to be his mommy. Every day I would wake up and tell him how loved he was. I dreamed of seeing him for the first time and wondering how he would look. My love grew deeper and deeper. I looked forward to checking my pregnancy app to see what new things he was doing and what I could be doing to better prepare. Then every night, he would be read to and sung a sweet lullaby before he kicked me until I slept on my left side. Those were the perfect days. I looked forward to seeing him twice a week and all the seconds in between. Even though I didn’t understand why he was given this diagnosis, I was blessed to have him. I was blissfully happy.
Crazy how much can change in one year.
I’ve been at a loss of words this week. There’s been a lot going on and the Jensen sized hole in my heart has been stinging. I keep thinking how today I would be dressing him up in a little Steelers outfit and going over to his grandparents house to cheer them on. I’d love to see him grow outside the womb physically and mentally. Deep down, I know he’d be so curious and smart. He’d want to learn, play, and make smile. Instead all I can do is cry and wonder why. Why I was so scared of not being enough for him. Why I didn’t take more pictures of my belly. Why I worried so much.
Why did he have to die.