A bluebird saved me this week.
Which makes me smile because I can just imagine a huge bluebird holding me while it’s flying to safety. The moment was as dramatic as that image, but you get the point.
For the past two days, I’ve started writing at least twenty posts. All which were quickly deleted in the first two or three sentences. Nothing I write doesn’t seem worthy to share this week. These words that I write yell out for support, but another part of me doesn’t want them to be unanswered if I reach out. This self-doubt stems from the weeks after losing Jensen. Doubting everything I did during my time with him and how my emotions were making me feel crazy. I remember asking him for a sign to let me know he was okay and always with me. Then I saw the red and blue bird.
I still felt crazy in grief, but it did let me know he was close.
November has put this craziness and loneliness in my mind again. My whole body seems to be sinking in itself. Thankfully Jensen bear’s weight draws me to the outside world. There’s been moments this week I’ve wanted to throw out my phone, get sleeping pills, and just sleep for days. I kept asking why again. I’ve questioned if Jensen knows I love him. I pleaded to him to give me a sign because I needed it so bad. Thinking back now, it seems selfish because I usually get little signs during the day. But I needed that familiar sign to save me from myself. To save me from doubt and questioning my whole entire existence.
That’s when the bluebird came.
It was hopping from limb to limb outside the mud room window. This bluebird’s blue was almost shiny and the sun kept hitting it just right. My eyes were completely drawn to it and as much as I wanted to get a picture of this bird, it only stayed for a minute. There would have been no way for me to run and grab my phone to capture him. That’s how I knew it was sign. It made me stop everything I was doing and the sun reflected on its shiny wings.
This was Jensen’s ‘I love you, Mommy,’ from heaven.
When I realized yesterday was November eleventh, so 11-11, it was even more special. This is going to make me sound even more crazy, but when I was asking him for a sign it was 11:11pm on the tenth. Then there was my sign the next day. I can remember feeling him last year during this time, fluttering happily away. One year later, he came fluttering to me again. Maybe his spirit was carried on the bird like I had imagined me being in the beginning of this post.
I like that thought.
Maybe one day we can fly together. He’ll have to show me how and probably give me the courage to do it, but I’d fly with him.
There’s days like these I wish I could go give everyone feeling this self-doubt and loneliness the biggest hug I can. I’d want them to know they’re not alone. Even if they don’t feel like they’re important or what they say doesn’t matter, they should know it does. This week on the internet has been rough and there’s a lot of people who need support for what’s going on with them. Grief doesn’t give days off, ever. There are times it’s lighter, but it’s always present. Believe me, I know how heavy it is and if you’re feeling it as you’re reading this, I’m walking with you.
You are important.
You are loved.
You have so much to give to this world.
I hope a bluebird can come save you too.