I wasn’t feeling love, kindness, or any sense of compassion today, especially as the evening rolled on. Honestly, I was doing well the majority of the day. Then talking about costumes through me off. There was this bitterness of little ones trick-or-treating and adults dressing up for parties. Halloween is just the kickoff to celebration days. My body is starting to feel this pent-up emotion of dreading the holidays and their cheery music.
Yesterday, I was planning on what Random Acts I wanted to do and decided on flowers and popcorn for Redbox. Flowers, since I feel like Jensen would want to pick me flowers and gift them to me for my birthday. I also ALWAYS have flowers here and have many live plants in my house. Then I wanted to leave bags of popcorn at Redbox stations because it’s Halloween and people love scary movies. I have a ton of popcorn at my house, but there are times I run out and it’s essential to keep your mind occupied during horror movies.
I had hoped I’d be able to actually hand out popcorn to people renting their movies, but I couldn’t. Social anxiety swept over me. My eyes would not stop watering, especially because I forgot my wallet at home and only noticed it when I was checking out for my flowers. That didn’t help my mood… at all.
But, I knew I had to do this today. I felt compelled to carry on and spread kindness in Jensen’s name.
Maybe you’re wondering if I came home and felt good about what I did tonight. Did the bitterness of the evening and tears go away? I wish I could tell you that I feel a hundred percent better in my attempts to make at least one person smile tonight. Some pain has alleviated from today, but I’m still said that I didn’t get to take Jensen’s trick-or-treating tonight and I know I can’t take him Monday. It hurts that I don’t get to surprise everyone with what his costume is. Then I think about all the little footprint crafts I had planned or the cute frames to put his first Halloween picture in…
On nights like these, coming home is rough.
Yet, I’ll keep surviving and living the rest of my days for the ones he’ll never live. Tonight that’ll be with my new bottle of wine, steak, and scary movies.
If you’ve found this page from one of the cards from the flowers or popcorn, comment here and leave a picture. I hope Jensen was able to make you smile tonight!