So, I’m going to break the rules on today’s prompt. Chalk it up to having an emotional morning or just a horrible past six months, my mind is letting me delve into the ‘lemonade’ I’ve made since Jensen’s been born.

This prompt was inspired by a new show, ‘This Is Us,’ where a couple was pregnant with triplets. Long story short, one of the babies died (either shortly before or during birth) and the doctor was talking to the dad about baby loss and how you have to continue on for your family after this tragedy happens. He spinned the saying, ‘When life give you lemons you make lemonade,’ and added on to it with his own personal story of loss. There was also a line about (along the lines of), even given the sourest lemon you can make something resembling lemonade. I probably should have re-watched before I started typing, but as I said, emotional morning.

When I first saw the video, I thought, yes this is it. This analogy is perfect, everyone should see this. Until it weighed on my heart a little more; maybe I just know how to sour everything. I kept thinking, yes this works for life and can be applied to loss, as it was presented in the show. There’s a point, I think, in the loss journey that you there’s more positive than negative. People are able to see all the good they’ve helped bring into the world in honor of their babies and to help others out. I understand the analogy perfectly and believe one day I’ll even be able embrace it.

Right now, I can’t.

I’m not saying there’s no positives ever in my life after loss, but right now it’s very hard to see. Instead of sticking exactly to this prompt, I’m going to keep the analogy used, but share it in a way that represents the grief journey I’m going through.

To make lemonade, a person needs water, lemons, and sugar. The water is the base of the whole drink, you add in lemons to give the sour punch, and then end off with the sweetness of the sugar. Obviously, right? When we talk about it metaphorically, lemons are always given to us when life isn’t going our way. Jensen’s death has been the biggest, sourest lemon ever given to me. Since we’ve been molded to only see the sour part, we don’t look beyond the lemon. An outside person might believe I can use the lemon and make it ‘somewhat resembling’ lemonade. I’m challenging you to relook at this.

Instead of thinking of me getting the biggest, baddest lemon, think of it like the sugar has been taken away. Before, there was such much sugar that even if I got another lemon, I could just sweeten the rest up. Without sugar in lemonade, it’s just really sour lemon water. I can keep squeezing and making the most out of all the lemons ever given to me, but without that one ingredient, it’ll never be the same.

Jensen is the sugar in my life. Without him physically here, there are no other canes available, at this time, that can produce the sweetness we all search for in lemonade.

Even though, I really think people can do a lot with a huge lemon presented in their life, how could they truly make lemonade without the sugar? And even if there is a time in the future where I get some, it’ll never be as sweet. Kind of like if you go to a lemonade stand for the whole summer and it’s the best drink you’ve ever had, then the next summer it’s gone. Sure there’s a stand down the street, but it’s just not the same.

Then you go to your house to try and make it just the same. You get all the lemon juice you need and add it to the water, then realize that there’s no sugar in the house. There’s just a big glass of this lemon water, waiting to become lemonade, but you’re stuck. Sugar is what makes the whole thing come together, but you don’t have it. So you just drink it because that’s the best you can do with the situation presented in front of you.

That’s the analogy of my life.

For now, I’ll keep drinking my sour, lemon water. It’s better than just pouring it down the drain. And like the best lemonade stand down the street, I know I can always remember the sweetness of Jensen in my life.