I love you.

I miss you.

It’s been twelve weeks today. I can remember having you in my belly for twelve whole weeks and thinking we were safe. All I want is you here with that safe feeling back. Here in my arms, growing out of your shoes and onesies. At twelve weeks old, you would have changed so much. I think you probably would have already needed a hair cut. I’m constantly imagining you and what we would be doing if you were here. Our lives would be so full and happy. I’m trying to get back to that now; it’s just hard to do without you here.

Jensen Grey, you’re the only thing that brings me my glimpse of happiness.

Eighty-four days full of love and loss, battling each other. Love usually wins out, but there’s days like today where all I can feel is that hole in my heart. I always feel myself longing for you, wishing I could go back in time when I know you were warm and hearing my voice. If it was four months ago, I would have just seen you dancing around in my belly the day before. Monday and Thursdays were my days to see you there. They were and will always be my favorite days. Just seeing you be the silly little boy you are. I loved how I could see your cute little nose and your face shape. They never could have shown me how cute and squeezable your chubby cheeks were though.

That’s my favorite ultrasound picture of you; there’s that button nose. Here you can see your chubby cheeks, they make me smile. You are so adorable, sweet love. All your life and even to know, love has surrounded you. I know for a fact you still feel that love. You show me it every day, Jensen. The red and blue birds follow me wherever I go.

I could look at you all day and if you were here in my arms, that’s probably all I would get done doing. No one can explain what this feels like. I’m not talking about grief, Jensen, no one can explain what it’s like to see something they so beautifully creative. Never could I have ever imagined you would be as beautiful as you are. One day I’ll show you off to the world, but I like keeping your pictures to just me right now.

Right now I’m wondering what you’re doing, besides listening to me type this out loud. Are you playing with other babies? Are you being help by everyone that loves you so very much in heaven? Do you feel all my love going to you? Do you celebrate your weeks in heaven like I do here? Do you grow or will you wait for me to see you grow in heaven? Do you miss me? Am I being a good enough mother to you? I wonder all these things all the time.

Jensen, all I ever wanted was to be your mommy. You were my sweetest hello and the hardest goodbye. I’ll never let you go and I won’t let you be forgotten. I’ll drink chocolate milk every morning to remind me of you. Daddy will keep avoided going to Arby’s because we know you disliked it. We read to you each night, Goodnight Moon and Go Dog Go, both your favorites. My music is always on loud and I try to sing when I can, all because I knew it made you happy. I lay on my left side, your favorite. It’s all for you, Jensen. You are my little boy, my sweet love.

I miss you.

I love you, always remember.