After a beautiful morning and afternoon, I was stuck inside for most of the evening listening to the pouring rain. Most days I can keep busy with writing or reading, but I just couldn’t read or watch anything. This is when grief really sets in and since it was so nice out today, I was having a good one. I did not want the rest of the day to turn sour and completely breakdown for the rest of the night. My hands kept fidgeting, so I knew it was time to create. Thankfully I had a project in mind and I went right to it.

One of the hardest parts about grief is being alone. Grief hits harder and pulls you under. Since I work from home, I’m usually preoccupied and can fight back a lot of negative thoughts. But when there’s nothing to do, I more than likely break down. I see where I would want Jensen to be. My baby who I carried for nine months should be in his home. Jensen should be twenty weeks old and making me fall in love over and over with every one of his smiles. There should be no lonely days or empty houses. The silence should be filled with baby laughs, coos, and even cries. All of them would sound so sweet compared to this nothingness. His room just screams out to me and I find myself walking in and out of it. Then I go through all his things and just cry until Anthony comes home to help me. It’s scary to feel that vulnerable and alone. The waves of grief literally crash down on me and I couldn’t have that today with the week I’ve endured.

Working through grief and emotions allows me to write my thoughts out and use my hands to create beautiful things. I’ve loved making candles lately so I can light and feel close to Jensen. When I don’t have any candles to make, I use my big tools and nail together pallet boards. Usually it’s very Jensen related, but so this is the first craft I’ve made that didn’t specifically relate. It’s strange for me not to do something for him, since I do everyday. But I know he would love it and want me to have whatever I wanted. I’ve wanted to have an outdoor clock to be where Jensen’s prayer flag is. This clock will replace his prayer flag once we bring it in, probably sometime in September. It’s nice to be able to do something for me and it really shows me how much I’m healing.

This week my loved ones have been very Danielle-focused to help me get through my birthday and the tough thoughts I’m having about getting older and Jensen forever being thirty-eight weeks and two days. They’ve helped and encouraged me all week, but finally today was when I could focus on helping myself out and not feeling like I needed to cry. It was relieving. Grief and healing is hard work, but out of the love I have for Jensen I’m doing what’s best for me and his memory. It even allows me to create beauty in pain.

Today I’m thankful for being able to stay afloat in the sea of grief. Jensen continues to be my raft and lifts me up with his love. It’s nice to feel able to not drown in the sadness and be able to see some pretty things in this dark sea.