Tag Archives: sibling grief

Sibling grief is hard.

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Last night was one of the hardest parenting nights I’ve had.

Mila starts school very soon and we’ve changed up her bedtime routine. We’ve started not watching movies to sleep, but just listening to soothing sounds after reading all the books. Not having screens on have been a big help to her sleep. It’s also opened up more conversations between the both of us.

Even though she’s only five, she’s taking everything in and has big thoughts. I try to be open, honest, and just listen to her about whatever is on her mind. Last night, was hard though.

It started off with her just talking about Jensen’s picture on the wall. She said it was a little crooked and it needed fixed. Then it turned into her saying she really missed her… and then into sobs. She kept on saying his name and that she missed him and that she didn’t understand why God made people die. She said she wishes she could just go to heaven to be with him since he can’t be here with us. Her face was soaked with tears and there was nothing I could do to stop the pain, because it doesn’t stop.

I felt totally powerless as a parent. I know she needs to feel what she’s feeling, but it’s heartbreaking.

Hearing her say his name over and over throughout the sobs — it makes me tear up now.

In that moment, I told her he’s always around us. We can always remember and honor him. Whenever we’re sad and want to see him we can look at his pictures or go through his books. I tried telling her the things I do and the thoughts I think whenever I feel sad about his death too. And, I told her I was sorry. Sorry that she had to live without her brother and sorry she had this grief, but I was happy she was here and alive and that she is such a bright light. She listened to it all, but still kept repeating herself.

It just fucking hurts.

I ended up snuggling her. There’s literally nothing else we can do. Sometimes we just have to sit with our grief and sadness. I knew in that moment, she just needed her mom to be there through that rough wave of grief.

Eventually, I grabbed Jensen bear for her so she could snuggle up to him and fall asleep.

So as I’m always transparent on here… something strange did happen last night.

I don’t actively look for ‘signs’ like I did early in my grief. Whenever I see orange and blue out and about, I think it’s a little hello. There’s other things that just happen that make me think it’s him saying hello.

Remember that I said Mila has a lullaby that plays all night long? Like it doesn’t shut off until we physically do it in the morning. Well, last night when she said I wish I could just snap my fingers and he’d be here — the lullaby just stopped. Like it completely shut off as soon as she said it. Which is strange since it never is off at night.

Mila was instantly like, “what the heck just happened?” Then she turned the lullaby back on.

We had another cycle of Mila’s questioning and sobbing and looking at pictures. Once again, she said, I just wish I could snap my fingers and he’d be right here. And again, the lullaby goes off.

Maybe it’s just a crazy coincidence, but I told her it was Jensen letting her know he was here. It seemed to have calmed her down and made her smile. She loved the idea that he was playing a little game with her to distract her from the sadness.

We made it through a rough night of sibling grief. I know there will be more nights and moments like this in the future. Together we’ll be able to make it through whatever.

6 Ways to Help Your Child Grieve.

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When Jensen died, it was the first time I had ever felt that type of grief.

It followed me everywhere. No matter what I did, it felt tangled in my every day life. Honestly, grief is still present. Although it doesn’t control me as it did before, I can feel it deep down. It’s been creeping up lately, so have the tears, as we get closer to his birthday.

When I got pregnant with Mila, I wondered how his death would impact her. We’ve always said his name and she loves seeing his picture. Mila always says how much she loves and misses her Jensen. She’s not been the biggest fan of Jensen bear, but as of lately, she’s been more interested.

For the first time ever, I haven’t had to wonder when the first time she’d bring his loss up.

Before bed, Mila asked, for the first time ever, if Jensen bear could come and sleep with us. She picked him up and didn’t complain about how heavy he was. After she tucked him in beside me, she went and grabbed a book for us to read.

While reading it, she cuddled with Jensen bear and hugged him tight. As the story ended, she looked at me with her big eyes and asked why Jensen wasn’t with us.

I told her he was always in our hearts and when we missed him we could talk to him.

This answer wasn’t the one she wanted. Her mouth turned to a frown and I saw a familiar feeling. The heaviness of grief weighed her down. She misses him and doesn’t understand why she can’t have her brother.

I wish I could tell her why and make it all better, but this is the grieving process.

Instead of telling her it’d eventually be all okay, I held her tight and told her I missed him too. I let her know it was okay to be sad.

This is sibling grief.

I’ve been on this grief journey for almost five years now. It’s changed how I view the world and myself in it. There’s no question on if it’ll do the same to Mila.

It will.

Here’s some ways I’ve helped her grieve the death of her brother. Maybe it can help your child grieve too.

Talk openly about the person.

Let your child know it’s okay to talk about the person that’s not here anymore. By opening up that conversation, they’ll be able to express their feelings and memories about the loss and the person.

Get a physical way they can remember their loved one.

We love our Jensen bear. It’s a great comfort object that can actually help and squeezed. For toddlers and kids, I think a stuffed animal with a loved ones shirt would be perfect. Another idea would be a necklace or piece of jewelry they can keep on them too.

Start a journal with them.

Although Mila is a little young to be journaling, I plan on doing this with her when she starts to write. Sometimes kids don’t want to express their feelings through talking, a journal is a great way to get those feelings out without making them uncomfortable. There are a lot of ways to co-journal with your child too.

Encourage them to express their feelings through art.

Drawing and painting is a great way to have your child show you what they’re feeling. This could be incorporated as a journal or a weekly activity. Let them know there’s no wrong way to feel or express it.

Celebrate your loved ones.

I think one of the hardest things for people to grasp is there is joy in grief. As hard as it is to lose someone, there’s still all that love and happiness they brought too. For Mila, we celebrate Jensen’s birthday every year, we put up his Christmas ornaments, and include him in our family pictures. He is always celebrated with us and is included just as much as if he was actually here.

Let them be sad.

No one can make grief feel better. Sometimes you have to sit with that sadness. This goes the same for kids too. All you can do is listen and be there for your child. They’ll let you know what they need from you. Sadness is a healthy emotion when it can properly be felt.

If your child is depressed make sure to reach out to a therapist to best help their needs.

I’ll never claim to know everything about grief, but a lot of these things have helped Mila and I plan on continuing to incorporate them in our lives for a long time.

Do you have any other ways that can help a child through the loss of a loved one and grief?