When I read today’s prompt I knew I had to alter what I was going to write. Although I would love to share more about my pregnancy I wanted to focus a little more on a certain side of Jensen’s birth story. Although I won’t go into detail about everything, I want to express my thanks to our nurse, Angie.
Day Six falls on Nurse’s Day and I’d like to share Angie’s role in Jensen’s story…
The day we went into our OB appointed started off like any other. We went into the doctors and the ultrasound tech checked my belly to look at Jensen. There was silence.
The second we found out Jensen didn’t have a heartbeat I fell into a deep pit of shock and confusion. I just heard the worst news in my life and I didn’t know or I couldn’t think what came next. They rushed us off to the hospital for more ultrasounds to just make sure. There was more silence from the ultrasounds. I thought that was the worst silence and the whole entire world. I was supposed to hear his little heart beating away.
When the decision was made to deliver Jensen and be induced right away, I was quickly introduced to our nurse, Angie. I remember having to walk away from my family and Anthony, to get away for a second. Angie was right there. She told me she was frankly honest, but she would be there for me when I needed her. In the blur of the events, she was able to get the hardest information out of me. Words I had never imagined saying in my whole lifetime came out of my mouth. She had to draw thoughts out of me I never, ever wanted to think about. The whole time I was never mad at her or felt like she was being pushy. She let me take my time in answering questions.
During my pregnancy, I didn’t want any pain medication or and epidural. The thought it could potentially hurt Jensen did not sit well with me. I know I could take the pain just to have him here safe. After it was confirmed Jensen was in heaven, I didn’t want to feel any pain. I was already in unimaginable pain and suffering. I told Angie, I didn’t want to feel physical pain. She let me know that was okay and I didn’t have to. They warned me labor would long; like twenty hours or longer. Angie said, “As soon as you feel pain let me know. You need rest now, so try to sleep.”
My twenty hour labor only lasted six hours after they first induced me. Jensen came quickly and didn’t hurt his mommy. Not as much as I thought I would be in physical pain anyways. I remember at one point, I was feeling intense contractions. Lasting for thirty seconds and coming every minute. In my head, this couldn’t be the worst. I still had hours left of labor. Angie came in and checked on me during this and I told her what was happening. She was so frustrated because I didn’t tell her I was in pain. They were able to get one test epidural in me. Jensen came quick and peacefully.
If you’d asked me only a few hours before what the worst sound was, I would have said the silence from the ultrasounds. If you ask me now, I’d tell you the silence when Jensen was born. Every mom waits to hear that cry. That first scream of their child. When your child is stillborn, you only hear silence.
As I was getting cleaned up, Angie had Jensen. She held him like any other baby. Said how adorable and handsome he was. Angie kissed Jensen, sung to him, and rocked him. She was the one who took pictures of him for us to have forever. She got all of his footprints and handprints. She excitedly told me his weight and length.
If she saw I was getting too upset she’d come and comfort me. She was amazing. While I was pushing she cheered me on. Kept telling me I was doing perfectly. When I told her I needed to move a certain way, she was right there helping me. In my darkest time she was a ray of light.
When the shift changed, she came in the room and gave me a hug. She told me again how beautiful Jensen was. Asked if I needed anything at all. The only thing I could do was tell her thank you. She witnessed me at my absolute worse. My whole world was completely shattered and she was there to help with such kindness and grace. I can never thank her enough. While I was pregnant, I always wanted to make a nurse’s basket. I always hoped to get great nurses to help with Jensen and I. I wish I could have met Angie in another way. One where she saw Jensen dancing in my belly. I know Jensen would have loved her.
Although I would never have predicted this tragedy to happen to me, I cannot say enough good things about the nurses who helped Jensen and I.